Humor Me
by StormyFireDragon
Summary: What happens if Harry was raised differently. This story has OOC characters and loads of laughs. Longer preview inside. It is hinted that Cedric and Harry will be a couple, but as Harry is only 11-12 in the story, NOTHING comes about it.
1. So It Begins

DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

NOTE – I am going to try a humorous story. I hope that you all get a laugh out of it. The idea actually came to me when I was sleeping believe it or not. I actually woke up laughing. Therefore I am putting it to paper. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

SUMMARY – This story will contain a good Petunia Dursley. The rest of that family will still be shit heads. This story will contain cursing. It contains a powerful, but independent Harry. There will be serious accidental pranks on professors and Dumbledore. Not too much bashing, but I will throw in some of them from time to time. The ones I will mainly target are Snape, Ron, Molly, Dumbledore, Fudge, Vernon, Dudley, and on occasion, Minerva. Ok I lied. There will be some seriously funny shit going on in this story.

**Chapter 1 – So It Begins**

Harry was in his room at Number Four Privet Drive. He was stretching as he got out of bed. He smiled as he looked out of his window. Morning was his favorite time of the day. With morning came new adventures. Harry was an intelligent ten year old child. He knew all about his heritage as Petunia refused to hide it from him. Vernon tried repeatedly to cause him damage only to be met by the rage in his wife after each attempt. Strange things happened to Vernon or Dudley when they attempted to harm Harry. Throughout it all, Harry was well behaved and well mannered. Petunia made sure that he has a good upbringing with all the manners that went with growing up. His teachers loved him as he was a quiet and respectful child who excelled in his studies.

"Harry, hurry up and come down before your breakfast gets cold," called Petunia from the bottom of the stairs. "You can get dressed after you eat. We have a full day ahead of us and I would like to get started soon. I will need your help as I know I can depend on you to do it."

Harry grinned and raced out of his room. He loved his Aunt. She was his protector from Vernon and Dudley. He raced down the stairs and hugged her before the two of them entered the dining room. He was met by a glare from his Uncle.

"So you are still here freak?" asked Vernon gruffly. "You do not know how lucky you are that your Aunt loves you so much. Were it my decision you would have been drowned at birth. We should never have been strapped with you and your freakish ways. I do not like you and one day you will slip up and I will make sure that you are ruined. Do you hear me boy?"

Petunia looked at Vernon furiously and then backhanded him across the mouth.

"That is my blood you are talking about," she snarled. "He has more manners than that tub of lard we call a son. If I hear one more comment like that out of your mouth I will belt you with a frying pan. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes Petunia," said Vernon. "I don't understand why you love the boy so much, but I will leave him alone."

"See that you do," she snapped. "Harry could you finish the bacon. I have to go and get your cousin out of bed. I don't know why he insists on laying about like a lump."

"Sure Aunt Petunia," chirped Harry. "It looks almost done so I will start putting it on the plate. I will start the eggs after. Are we going somewhere for Dudley's birthday?"

"We are taking him to the zoo," said Petunia leaving the room. "I will be right back. One way or another I will get his arse out of bed."

Petunia left the room to get Dudley. While she was gone, Harry began to put the bacon on the plate. When he was done with that, he started the eggs while waiting. Vernon sat there with a calculating look on his face.

"You think you are such a hot shot, do you?" he asked quietly. "You are nothing but a freak and you will end up the same way as your dead beat freaky parents."

"My parents were not freaks," said Harry angrily. "They are heroes and deserve the honor and respect for their part in the war. Remus told me all about their sacrifice for the wizarding world and I will not let you abuse their name. You are just jealous that they were someone important and you aren't."

"What are you going to do?" asked Vernon smiling evilly. "Your Aunt is not here to protect you at the moment. I am going to smack the hell out of you and if you tell her that I did, I will make sure that the next time that we are alone that we make sure you not speak permanently."

Vernon got up and headed for Harry. What he didn't know was that Petunia was in the doorway. She overheard and saw everything that was going on. She was waiting to see what would happen next. Vernon approached Harry and raised his hand to hit him.

"Oh shit," said Harry covering his head and face.

At that moment a strange look passed across Vernon's face and a disgusting smell filled the room. Vernon looked at Harry with a horrified look on his face and then ran from the room. As he passed Petunia, she slapped him in the back of his head as a reminder that he was not to hurt Harry.

"What just happened?" asked Harry. "I apologize for my language, but I don't understand what just happened."

"It would seem that you used accidental magic," said Petunia. "Your Uncle got what he deserved for going against my wishes and trying to hit you. It would appear that when you went to protect yourself, you said 'Oh shit" and that is what happened. Uncle Vernon shit in his pants. I am sure he is up in the shower right about now cleaning his trousers because of the accident. That ought to teach him a lesson about trying to abuse a wizarding child. Then again we are talking about your Uncle and that man is as stubborn as I have ever seen them. He better wash his pants or he will find them just as he leaves them. I am tired of warning him about attempting to harm you. Thank you for cooking the eggs. Dudley will be down in a moment. He was choosing his outfit."

"So what time are we going to the zoo?" asked Harry placing the bacon and the eggs on the table. "I really like the reptile house. I love talking to the snakes. They are such fascinating creatures. Can I get one as a pet for my birthday?"

"You mean when you do that freaky thing when you start hissing at them?" asked Dudley interrupting the conversation. "What a freak. You should be locked up in the loony bin for that."

"Shut the hell up Dudley," said Petunia. "If you say one more word, I will leave you at home and Harry and I will go to the zoo without you."

Dudley looked horrified at the thought of it. He quickly snapped his mouth shut and looked down at his plate. He remembered past experiences when he did something harmful to Harry. The punishments were severe. He did not want a repeat. He remembered the time that Dudley went to hit him and found his self lying in a puddle of urine from the homeless guy in the neighborhood.

Later, the family of four was in the car heading to the zoo. They would eat lunch at one of the many restaurants that were in the zoo itself. As usual Dudley was being his bratty self. Petunia and Harry ignored him and went to the reptile house where Harry spoke with some of the snakes when no one was around. He translated for Petunia when she wanted to know something. Dudley was complaining about something and kept banging his fist on the glass. Harry sighed and then was stunned as the glass disappeared and Dudley was thrown off balance and fell in. When he was recovered from the cell, he was given a stern lecture about disrupting the peace and quiet of the reptiles by the keeper. From there, he received a severe tongue lashing from Petunia who promised retribution when they got home.

After the fun was over, they went home. Harry went to his room to read and Dudley sat in front of his TV and played one of his new games. Petunia took the game away and sent him to his room as punishment for his behavior at the zoo.

Harry's birthday came and with it some new gifts. He got some new clothes and a new backpack from Petunia. From Remus he got a photo album that had pictures of his mum, dad, and godfather in it. Mrs. Figg baked him a cake. He really enjoyed his art pad and pencil set. Harry was quite skilled at sketching.

All to soon, his Hogwarts letter arrived and Harry was excited. He showed his letter to Petunia who sat with Harry in the dining room.

"Pay attention to what I am about to tell you," said Petunia. "We are not sure why, but the magic in your mother's side of the family is very picky about who it wants to carry the gift. Lily was the first in quite some time to actually have the gift. I am a squib. That means that I have a magical family, but I do not carry the gift myself. I knew from the start that you would carry the gift mainly because of your father James. The Potter family is a very old one from what I am to understand. They were and still are very prominent. You are the last of the Potter line. That means that eventually you will carry the title of Head of House. I will take you to Diagon Alley tomorrow to get all of your supplies and a pet. We can make it a day for just the two of us."

"I would love to see what kind of things I can learn," said Harry. "Will I be a good wizard Aunt Petunia?"

"Harry," she said with a smile. "You are a straight A student. You will be a very good wizard. Your mother and father were followers of the Light. I have no doubt that once you start learning what you need to learn, you will be a VERY powerful wizard. Lily and James were both very talented in what they did."

That afternoon, Harry was working in the garden. It was a favorite pass time of his and he enjoyed working with the plants. He was currently working under the oak tree when Vernon snuck up on him.

"What do you think you are doing?" asked Vernon trampling the flowers. "Oh dear, you have ruined your Aunt's flowers. She is not going to be happy with you now is she? It is time to get a little pay back for your episode recently. I am going to beat the piss out of you and you will not tell your Aunt a thing or it will be worse on you the next time."

Harry squeaked in fright and backed up. He noticed that all of the flowers that he was fixing to plant were indeed ruined. He started backing up in fright at the look that passed over Vernon's face.

"Dudley, where is your father?" asked Petunia. "He was sitting here a moment ago. I needed to tell him something."

"He went outside to beat on Harry," said Dudley not looking away from his video game. "He told me to stay inside and out of the way. He said something about teaching the freak a lesson that will get him into trouble with you."

What Dudley didn't realize was that he just got his father into trouble. Had he not been concentrating on the game, he would have tried to cover for his father. As it was, he was so engrossed in his game that he spilled the beans on his own father and didn't even notice. Petunia smirked at her son as she headed to the back yard.

Meanwhile, Vernon had removed his belt and was fixing to hit Harry when the hose encircled the large man like a python and lifted him into the tree where it looped around a tree branch effectively tying him in place. Harry stared in awe at the sight before him before he tentatively started working with the ruined flowers to see if he could salvage any of them.

"Harry, where is your Uncle?" she asked coming into the back yard to see a tear filled child cradling broken blossoms. "Dudley said he was coming out here to hurt you and to get me to be angry with you."

Harry didn't answer at first. She knelt next to him and took the broken plant out of his hands.

"Harry," she said kindly. "I know that you did not do this. Your cousin told me that he was going to pull a stunt. All I need to know is where is Vernon? I am not upset with you. We will plant the ones that can be fixed and then get some more."

Harry took a deep breath and then pointed up into the tree. Petunia looked up and gasped in amazement. Vernon was trussed up like a pig on a spit that was ready to be roasted over an open fire. The belt that Vernon was going to use had wrapped itself in his mouth and around his head to effectively keep him from saying anything. She took in the sight of the hose wrapped around his massive body and pinning him to the branch of the tree. Finally she couldn't help herself. She burst out laughing. She sat back on her bottom and held her sides as she laughed long and hard at the predicament that her husband had gotten his self into. She laughed so hard that tears were falling from her eyes. When her laughter was over with, she looked up at her husband.

"You can just stay like that until we can figure out how to get you down," she said. "I have warned you to leave him alone. Maybe this time you will finally get the hint. When you finally do get down, I can guarantee that you will hear more abut this. I will be going into your personal funds and taking money to replace the flowers that you ruined. Dudley told me you were planning a stunt and now that I see what you did, you will pay for it."

With that being said, she and Harry worked side by side on the rest of the flowers and cleaned up the yard. That evening Dudley looked around for his father.

"Where is dad?" he asked. "I have not seen him since early this afternoon."

"He is tied up at the moment," said Petunia fighting back laughter. "He will join us when he can."

She could not help it. She left the room and Harry and Dudley could hear laughter coming from the den. When Petunia had herself under control, she reentered the dining room and completed her meal. She left a plate of food on the table for Vernon and then went to bed. Harry entered his room and got ready for bed. He fell asleep remembering the sound of his Aunt's laughter. Somewhere around midnight, a thud sounded in the back yard as the hose and belt released Vernon. The man lay on the ground winded as he tried to get his lungs under control. When he got his body under control, he headed to the back door and found that it was locked. He went around to the front of the house and found that it was also locked. He angrily started beating on the door.

About that time, a cop appeared and began to question the man.

"Sir what are you doing out here at this time of the night?" he asked. "Why are you disturbing the residents of this home."

"Trying to get into my house," snapped Vernon. "I will thank you to mind your own business and leave me alone."

The officer was not impressed with Vernon's attitude. He and Petunia were high school friends and knew of Vernon and his attitude. He tried once more.

"Sir," he said. "I am going to have to insist that you tell me what is going on. I can not allow you to disturb the peace."

"That little freak that lives with us used his hocus pocus to tie me up in the tree," snapped Vernon. "All in want is to get back into the house and take a shower. I am going to knock the stuffing out of that freak if it is the last thing that I do."

"Did you just call a resident of this house a freak and threaten to hit him?" asked the officer angrily. "Is that what I just heard you say?"

"Yes I did," yelled Vernon. "My wife will not be able to protect him forever. When I get my hands on him he will be sorry he was ever born. I will beat him senseless and then pitch him in the nearest orphanage."

"You are under arrest," said the officer grabbing Vernon and roughly slamming him to the ground. "You will be charged with disturbing the peace, possible child abuse, possible child endangerment, and vagrancy. I am going to need to see some identification."

"I don't have any," said Vernon. "It is in the house. Please just wake my wife up and get it from her."

"You will spend the night in jail," said the officer placing the cuffs on Vernon. "These people can bail you out in the morning if they are your family."

With that Vernon was arrested and taken to the local jail house. Petunia, Harry, and Dudley slept soundly without any knowledge of the altercation. The next morning, Petunia left Dudley with Mrs. Figg and took Harry shopping for his school supplies. When they got to Diagon Alley, both Petunia and Harry, had eyes as big as saucers.

"First we need to go to a place called Gringotts," said Petunia. "Your mother said in her will, that you have a trust fund set up to pay for your tuition and supplies. When you turn fifteen you will receive the rest of your inheritance. From what I am to understand it is a sizable one too. My family was wealthy, but the Potters were beyond wealthy."

Together Harry and Petunia made some inquiries and then made their way to Gringotts. Once there, they were met by a goblin.

"My name is Griphook," said the goblin. "How may I help you today?"

"My name is Harry Potter and this is my Aunt Petunia Dursley," said Harry. "I need to get some money from my trust fund for my school supplies. We were told that this is the building where my vaults are."

"Ah yes," said Griphook. "Young Lord Potter. Right this way please. Do you have your key?"

"I have it," said Petunia opening her purse and pulling it out. "It was sent to me after Lily and James died. There was something written in the letter about Albus Dumbledore trying to get his hands on the key."

"That was a big mess," said Griphook. "It seems that Head Master Dumbledore was trying and is still trying to get his hands on the Potter and Evans family fortune. As I am sure you are aware Mrs. Dursley, the Evans family fortune was split between you and your sister. Your half was sent to the muggle world while Lily Evans Potter's was left here."

"Yes I know all of that," said Petunia kindly. "I have been caring for Harry since Lily died. I know he has a fortune in this place."

"Young Lord Potter is probably one of the wealthiest people in the wizarding world," said the goblin. "I will personally be overseeing his accounts for you. Have you been receiving the statements that I have been sending?"

"No we have not," said Petunia. "I have never laid eyes on a statement of Harry's accounts."

"Not to worry," said the goblin. "I will provide you with one before you leave. I will also send a representative out to your home to make sure that there is no ward or spell preventing you and Lord Potter from receiving mail from the bank. If there is, we will take care of it and we will deal with the offending party for you."

"Thank you," said both Harry and Petunia.

"Aunt Petunia," said Harry. "I didn't know you were rich."

"Your Uncle works in a business that you and I own each a half of," said Petunia with a smirk. "We had him hired so that he could get out of my face five days a week. The man really is a bore and I am rapidly losing my patience with him."

"So that is why you are not all that worried about my bouts of accidental magic," mused Harry. "It is a way for you to get some kind of payback on him."

"Right in one," said Petunia. "I think it is hilarious. It serves the fat bastard right. Despite what your Uncle says, I and my sister loved each other very much and I was saddened by the deaths of her and James. James always made me laugh. When they died, I made sure that it was known that I would be totally responsible for your care and upbringing."

Harry smiled as the two made their transaction with the bank. From there, the duo left to go shopping. They entered Flourish and Blotts and bought all of Harry's school books as well some extra books for on the side study. After that, they went to the apothecary to buy all of his potions supplies. After that, they made their way to Madam Malkin's to buy his school robes. Harry convinced Petunia to buy herself a new dress. From there, they got the rest of Harry's school supplies. After that they went to the pet store where Harry bought a snowy owl, a kitten, and a snake along with the proper carrying cases for each. The snake slithered up his arm and wrapped himself around Harry's neckline.

"What are you going to name them?" asked Petunia getting food and such for the animals.

"I think I will name the owl Hedwig," said Harry looking at her thoughtfully. "I will name the cat Spook because she is black. I think I will name the snake Venom. That is an awesome name for a snake."

"Just remember that you are responsible for their upkeep," she said smiling. "Not that I am worried. You have always been a very responsible child. Shall we go and get your wand now?"

Harry happily agreed with her and together they entered the wand shop. Mr. Ollivander came around the corner and stood there in front of Harry.

"Hello Mr. Potter," he said cheerfully. "I was hoping that I would see you soon. Your mother and father were some very fine people. Their wands were very good ones. It was a shame that they were not recovered after the attack."

"Hello Sir," said Harry. "This is my Aunt Petunia. I would have loved to receive my mum and dad's wands. Maybe one day someone will find them and be able to return them to me."

"That would be a good thing," said Ollivander. "Now, how about we get you one of your own? Try this one first. It is maple with a dragon heart string. All you have to do is give it a wave and see what happens."

Harry took the wand and waved it. At first they didn't think anything happened until Petunia felt a breeze behind her.

"It would appear, that he caused your window to disappear," said Petunia with a smile.

"No worries," said Ollivander waving his own wand and replacing it. "Things like that happen all the time. That wand is obviously the wrong one. How about you try this one? It is made of oak wood with unicorn tail."

Harry waved the wand and Ollivander's clothes disappeared. Petunia sat in the chair laughing. Ollivander quickly conjured himself some clothes and grabbed another wand.

"This one is willow with unicorn hair," said Ollivander handing him another wand.

Harry waved it and all of the shelves collapsed. Petunia was really having a hard time not rolling around in laughter. This was the funniest things she has ever witnessed.

"Tricky customer aye," said Ollivander waving his wand and repairing the damage. "How about we try this wand? It is holly and phoenix feather."

Harry waved it and red and gold sparks flew out of it. He knew that this was the wand that belonged to him.

"There you have it," said Ollivander. "That is the wand for you. You will be a powerful wizard Mr. Potter. I do not need to tell you that you are destined for greatness. I do not want to inflate your ego, but I am sure we can expect great things from you. Your wand is one of the most powerful ones that I have ever created."

"Thank you Sir," said Harry. "I plan on studying hard and doing well in school. Aunt Petunia says that both my parents were very good at magic and I want to live up to their standard."

"That they were," said Ollivander. "The both of them were very talented. They both died as a hero. I was saddened by their loss. They stood up to the Dark Lord and even in death they were victorious."

Harry paid for his wand and a wand holster and then left the shop. He and Petunia ate at a nice restaurant and then they headed for home.

"Thank you for coming with me today Aunt Petunia," said Harry as he set his books carefully on his desk. "I can't wait to look in these books and see what they have to teach me."

"It is my pleasure to have taken you," she replied. "I wonder where your Uncle is."

Just then the phone rang. Petunia answered it and after a few moments, she hung up.

"Well that answers that," she said. "Harry, why don't you start reading your course books while I go and get your Uncle? Apparently he was arrested last night on multiple charges. I have been asked to go and speak to the officers. I will return in a few hours. If I am running late, can you make something for dinner?"

"Anything in particular?" he asked.

"What ever you feel like cooking," she said as she opened the door. "I shall return later with or without your Uncle."

Harry smiled at her and went upstairs to start reading his books.

The days flew by. It took Petunia a few days to get Vernon out of jail. He was placed on probation and was told that if they got any complaints about anyone in the household being abused that he would receive jail time. Mean while Harry was reading his schoolbooks. He was eager to start learning how to do some of the spells. He breezed through his books with ease. He had always enjoyed reading and learning came easy to him.

Albus Dumbledore was not having a good time of things. He had been carefully monitoring the home on Privet Drive. Bouts of accidental magic flared up frequently there. He had monitors on the location that the Ministry knew nothing about. More than once, he was summoned over the years to rescue either Vernon or Dudley from Harry's magic. Then one day the monitors stopped working. He was not sure what had happened. He also was looking at Harry's account statements when they suddenly disappeared from his hand. He went to Privet Drive to find out that all of the wards and spells he had placed on the property were gone. He did knot know what was happening. He knew that it was time to call in reinforcements. With that, he summoned Severus into his office.

"We have to figure out what to do about Harry Potter," said Albus. "That boy has been a thorn in my side from the get go. He was supposed to be a meek and quiet little boy. Every time I have tried to access his vaults, the goblins throw me out. The last time I was told that if I tried it again they would shave my head and beard. Petunia loves the boy and treats him well. He is due to start school. You are to make sure his life is a miserable as possible here. I need him under our control to make sure that when the time comes, he can face Voldemort. We need him to be the perfect weapon. I can't do that if he is too independent. It could ruin everything that I have worked so hard for."

"Do not worry Albus," said Severus. "I will do my part and make sure that they boy has no happiness when he is near me."

"Thank you Severus," said the aged wizard. "I have done my best, but someone has gone behind me and undone everything that I have set up. I am no longer getting statements from his accounts. We have to get the boy to trust only us and no one else or our plans will be for nothing."

"Are you sure that the boy is the key?" asked Severus. "I am sure that we can do this with some other child."

"Harry Potter is the key," said Albus. "It has to be him. We have to work him to our way and quickly. I am currently working on keeping Vernon Dursley out of prison. Petunia is most insistent that her husband leave the boy alone. In that aspect we have failed. Vernon was supposed to abuse the boy and bring his moral down. He failed. I have posted Arabella Figg in the neighborhood to make reports on Harry and his progress and she is not doing so. She refuses to tell me anything other than that the boy is intelligent and gifted."

What neither wizard knew was that Hogwarts was listening to their conversation. Being a sentient creature, she was not happy with what the two men were plotting.

"So you think you will play with the child of the four huh?" she thought. "I don't think so. You will not play your games with another child. I will step up and defend this one."

AUTHOR'S NOTE – I hope that you enjoyed this. I wanted to make people laugh for once. So I tried something funny. Let me know if I should continue or not. Thanks


	2. You Said What?

DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I have never had that many review hit on the very first day of posting a chapter. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will see kind of off, and it probably will be. I have never done humor before and I am going to have a hard time with the adjustment. Thanks in advance for the support.

**Chapter 2 – You Said What?**

September first rolled around and Harry and Petunia made their way to Kings Cross Station. They found a trolley and between the two of them managed to get Harry's trunk onto it as well as carefully balancing the carrying cases for his pets. He grinned as he looked towards her, and she gave a grin right back.

"According to this paper," said Petunia looking down and reading it again. "It says that all you have to do is walk straight through the barrier between platforms nine and ten. From there it will get you onto the platform for the Hogwart's Express. Shall we give it a try and see what happens?"

"Will you come with me?" asked Harry in a worried voice. "I don't want to go alone and I don't know anyone."

"Of course I will come with you," said Petunia walking alongside him. "As for not knowing anyone, I am sure you will make loads of friends. You are easy to like and love. Just remember to be nice to people and they will be nice to you in return. I am going to miss all of the accidental magic that happens around the house to Vernon. It does make me laugh when you get even with him for attempting to sabotage you or harm you. It makes my job so much easier. Now I have to get Dudley to do chores and I am not looking forward to that fight. You always help me and I am grateful for that."

Together they entered the barrier and found themselves standing in front of the train. Both were amazed at the sight before them. Harry was excited to know that the magical world was indeed grand. They made their way to one of the carriages. Harry was wondering how he was going to get all of his belongings on the train when what appeared to be a fourth year student stepped out.

"Hi," he said. "My name is Cedric Diggory. Would you like some help with your trunk?"

"Yes please," said Harry. "My name is Harry Potter. Thank you for offering. This is my Aunt Petunia and we are slightly confused as to what to do."

"OK let's see," said Cedric. "You have three pets. How about we send your owl to the school? She will fly there and your Aunt can bring her cage back home. That will relieve you of one package."

Harry nodded and opened the owl cage. Cedric told the bird that she could meet them at Hogwarts. Hedwig nipped Harry affectionately on the ear and flew off. Smiling Petunia took the cage.

"You have a kitten and a snake," said Cedric. "How about letting your snake sleep around your neck and we shrink his cage? That will relieve you of another container. That will just leave your trunk and your kitten carrier."

"You are a very intelligent young man," said Petunia smiling. "Thank you so much for helping us. We were afraid that no one would be polite enough to help Harry or be his friend."

"It is my pleasure ma'am," said Cedric. "I remember when I was a first year. This was hard on me then. As far as friends, I have no doubt that once he meets some of the other first year students he will have more friends than he anticipated. Plus I will be here to watch out over him as well. I know of Harry Potter and I am not interested in his fame. I would like to get to know the person behind the scar."

Harry watched as Cedric pulled out his wand and shrunk the snake's tank. Harry put it in his shirt pocket for safe keeping. From there, the two boys got his trunk into a carriage and then Harry retrieved Spook from Petunia. Harry hugged his Aunt who smiled at him. He got up on the train and talked with her for a few moments through the window.

"Make sure that you write to me often," she said. "If you need anything at all I am just an owl away and I will do what I can to assist you. I will miss you Harry."

"I will keep an eye out on him for you ma'am," said Cedric. "He will be just fine. I promise that if he forgets to owl you that I will remind him."

Petunia smiled and then she walked out. She did not want Harry to see her crying. A few minutes later, Harry and Cedric noticed Hermione come through the barrier. She was looking around unsure as to what to do. Both Harry and Cedric got off the carriage and greeted her. After introductions were made, the boys helped her get her trunk to the carriage. As they were about to get it on the carriage, a blond haired boy rudely shoved her to the side.

"Get out of the way mudblood," snapped Draco. "I don't deal with you and your kind."

Harry glared at the boy. Cedric was offended for the girl. Hermione stood there with a bewildered look on her face.

"That is a rude thing to say," snapped Harry. "Do not insult my new friend. She has never done anything to you and she is not a mudblood."

"What does that even mean?" asked Hermione. "I am not familiar with the term. It is not in any of our course books."

"It is a foul name for someone who is muggle born," said Cedric. "That is Draco Malfoy. His family thinks they are better than everyone else because they are rich and pureblood. His whole family has always been in Slytherin. It is rumored that his father is a Death Eater. You know that if you look hard enough there is truth in a rumor somewhere."

"You mean his father is a follower of Voldemort?" asked Harry. "I thought they were all in prison."

"Yes," said Cedric. "They are the most evil of the wizarding world. I am surprised that you know who the Dark Lord is. Some of the Death Eaters were able to lie or bribe their way out of jail."

"Well Voldiewarts did kill my mum and dad," said Harry. "I am bound to know who he is and his followers. Aunt Petunia never kept anything from me. She said that they died a hero."

"Your parents were nothing but stupid," said Draco. "Now I am going to say it once more. Get out of my way mudblood before I make you."

Harry glared at Draco as he took a threatening step forward. His glare turned to shock as Draco slipped and fell into a big pile of mud.

"UGH!" yelled Draco. "What in the hell is this? It smells like shit."

"Draco, language," snapped Narcissa. "Which one of you did it? How dare you do that to my son? The Minister will hear of this and you will be in trouble for it. Now I demand that you clean him at once."

"I will clean him," said Harry helpfully pulling out his wand. "I read about this cool spell in our books. It is called the Aguamenti Charm."

Harry gave the wand movement and incantation. Due to the fact that he was a powerful wizard not to mention the raw magic behind it, a large stream of water blasted from his wand slamming into the two Malfoys flinging them clean across the platform and out of the barrier.

"Oops," said Harry. "I don't think that was supposed to happen. We better get on the train before they come back. They will not be happy when they come back."

Hermione was giggling as Harry and Cedric grabbed her trunk and got it into the carriage. Cedric was grinning at the memory. Soon all of the students were boarding the train. Draco and Narcissa still had not made it back through the barrier yet. Finally after about then minutes the train started to pull away. The door of their carriage opened and a round faced boy stood there.

"May I sit with you please?" he asked. "I am being bullied in some of the other carriages and I don't want to get hit again."

"You can sit with us," said Harry. "My name is Harry Potter. The young lady is Hermione Granger. Cedric is a fourth year Hufflepuff."

"I am Neville Longbottom," he replied. "Thank you all for being so nice. Cedric can you help me with one thing? My toad has gotten away from me and I need someone who knows how to cast a Summoning Charm to get him for me."

"I will do it," said Harry brightly. "Accio toad!"

It was not long before there was a huge problem. No less than one hundred toads ended up in the compartment with them. Cedric and Hermione completely lost it. Both were rolling around laughing at the scene. There were toads everywhere. Harry stood there with one on his head and one on his shoulder.

"I think you might not want to cast anymore spells until we start classes," said Hermione wiping tears from her eyes. "Your spells seem to be a bit overdone and that could cause problems if you keep on."

With the aid of the other three, Harry as able to get the toads, with the exception of Trevor, out of the compartment. A few disgruntled students came to claim their pets and left. Not long after, the door opened again and a soaking wet Draco Malfoy stood there with two thuggish looking boys with him.

"I am going to make you pay for that Potter," snapped Draco. "You better figure out a way to dry me or my father will have you expelled before you even get to Hogwarts. Plus, I think my friends, Crabbe and Goyle, should teach you a lesson in manners."

"Look Hermione," exclaimed Harry pointing at Crabbe and Goyle. "The zoo has arrived. We have students that look like two baboons."

"I think you are right Harry," she said giggling.

"Oh!" Harry exclaimed. "Please not again."

No sooner had the words come out of his mouth then there were two baboons standing in the doorway. One of them took a shit and the two started flinging feces at each other. Draco had raised his arms in anger when he was hit in the face by a pile of the shit. Soon the two baboons were running up and down the train screaming and having a grand old time creating havoc wherever they went. All Harry could do, was to sit there with a gob smacked expression on his face. Even Draco did not have words to describe what he was seeing and thinking. Hermione, Neville, and Cedric were rolling around with tears of mirth running down their faces.

"That has got to be some of the funniest bouts of accidental magic I have ever seen," wheezed Cedric holding his sides. "I have never witnessed something like this before. That is so funny. Good job Harry. We all needed a laugh."

"What is going on here?" asked a red head with glasses. "Where did those two monkeys come from?"

"Potter did it," snarled Draco. "He called them baboons and they changed into baboons. One of them threw shit in my face. When my father hears about this, Potter and his mudblood and squib friends will be expelled."

"Go sit in your carriage and shut up Malfoy," snapped Percy. "A first year could not have done that or a fourth year. You are lying and trying to get these students into trouble. Now go sit down before I have you put in detention for threatening another student."

Draco grumbled, but left to go and clean up as best as he could.

"How did he get so wet?" asked Percy. "My name is Percy Weasley by the way and I am a fifth year prefect."

"I am Harry Potter," said Harry. "She is Hermione Granger. He is Neville Longbottom, and I am sure that you know Cedric Diggory. As to why Malfoy is all wet, he fell in a pile of shit on the platform and when I tried to help clean him off; I sort of over did the incantation and blasted him and his mum with some water. I would have thought his mother would have at least dried him off. Apparently I was wrong."

Percy smiled at the quartet before he made his way to finish his rounds. He was anxious to write to his mother and inform her that Harry Potter had finally made it to Hogwarts. He knew that his mother had wanted to adopt Harry for years. However, that was blocked when Harry's blood relative said that under no circumstances was anyone taking Harry from her.

The rest of the trip was fairly uneventful. Harry and Cedric bought some treats for the group from the lunch trolley and then they settled to talking about the different houses.

"I don't think I will like Slytherin if I have to be in a house with Draco Malfoy," said Harry. "If the sorting hat places me there, then I will go, but I really don't like him. He is rude and arrogant. I mean I am a pureblood and I am rich, but I don't treat people the way he does. If Griphook and my Aunt are correct, I am one of the richest people in Wizarding Britain."

"You are," said Neville. "I am a pureblood also. My Gran taught me all about the pureblood families. The Potter family is very old and very rich. With a godfather like Sirius Black, you will be very set in prestige and status."

"When you turn fifteen you will be able to take your spot as Head of House of the Potter family," said Cedric. "The Malfoys like to throw around that they are the richest around, but they aren't. Narcissa Malfoy is related to Sirius Black and were it not for her dowry, then the Malfoys would not be no where near as rich as they are. Sirius Black doesn't have any children so therefore if something happens to him, whoever he names as his heir would be the new Lord or Lady Black."

"With your dad and Sirius being best friends in school," said Neville. "I have no doubt that as it stands Sirius probably named you as heir as you are his godson."

"That is so awesome," said Harry. "I know Aunt Petunia speaks highly of my mum and dad. She mentioned that Sirius was in jail for something."

"That is not something that you want to worry about for right now," said Cedric looking at his watch. "You have more important things to worry about. The first is learning to control your magic before you hurt someone. Now I suggest that you lot get your robes on. We will be arriving in about ten minutes."

With that they started to put on their school robes. The train stopped and they were instructed to leave their luggage on the train. Harry was nervous about leaving his kitten on the train, but Cedric assured him that she would be safe. They left the train and waited for further instructions.

"All first years over here," called Hagrid. "This way please. All first years come over here."

Harry and his two companions bid Cedric goodbye and walked over to Hagrid. All three were impressed by his height.

"Hello Harry," said Hagrid. "I have not seen you since you were a baby. The same is with you Neville. Why don't you three get into one of the boats? We will leave in a few minutes. I know that one of the Professors is here sorting out some trouble with some baboons on the train."

The trio got into the boat and was soon joined by a timid girl. Introductions were made and soon Susan Bones was a friend of the group. When all of the first years were aboard the boats, Hagrid started them off.

"It is not about how well you do," said Draco where Harry and Hermione could here. "It is about who you know. Professor Snape is my godfather and he favors Slytherin House above all others. Gryffindor and Hufflepuff don't stand a chance in his classes. They should just get rid of both of those houses."

Harry waved his hand in disgust and was shocked to see Draco thrown out of his boat and into the center of the lake. He broke the surface screaming like a baby and Hagrid had to rescue him. Hermione and Neville were laughing like crazy at the scene. Susan was sitting there in shock.

"You really have to teach us how you keep doing that Harry," said Hermione in a whisper. "This has been one of the funniest days I have had in a long time. You know how to make us laugh."

"I don't know how it is that I am doing that," said Harry. "It just happens. Though, I have to admit, that it is happening to the nicest of people."

Hermione and Neville burst out laughing again. Soon Susan joined in. When they got to the castle, Hagrid left them with Professor McGonagall. She looked furiously at Draco who was dripping water all over the floor.

"It is not my fault Professor," said Draco. "Potter is responsible for all of this. He threw me out of the boat I was sitting in for no reason."

"Mr. Potter may I please see your wand?" asked Minerva.

Harry handed it to her and watched as she checked to see what spells he had performed with it. The only spell that came out was the Aguamenti Charm that he has used on the platform. She handed the wand back to him.

"Were you sitting in the boat with Mr. Malfoy?" she asked.

"No ma'am," answered Harry politely. "I was sharing a boat with Hermione, Neville, and Susan. He was in a boat a little away from us. We did not touch him ma'am."

"Detention Mr. Malfoy for lying," she snapped. "As you are not in a house yet I can not deduct points, but I can give a detention for lying."

"I am not lying," he screeched. "Potter also turned Crabbe and Goyle into baboons. I swear that it was Potter."

"A week of detention," said Minerva. "Now kindly close your mouth or I will make it a month."

Draco shut up and waited as she dried him off and then escorted the students into the Great hall for their sorting. A few of the students were talking in low tones about the beauty they were witnessing.

"Let's make a promise," said Harry to the other three. "No matter what house we four get sorted into, that we stick together and remain friends."

The other three agreed quickly and they quieted down as Minerva started calling out names.

"Abbot, Hannah," she called.

The four of them waited as Hannah was sorted into Hufflepuff.

"Bones, Susan," called Minerva.

Harry, Hermione, and Neville all crossed their fingers and waited. The hat thought for a moment and placed her in Ravenclaw. More names were called and then it was Hermione's turn. It did not take long for the hat to put her in Ravenclaw with Susan. Harry and Neville clapped happily for the two girls. Soon Neville was called. The hat did not say anything for the longest time.

"For the moment," said the Hat. "I am not going to place Mr. Longbottom in any house. Please allow him to stay near me though. I have other business to attend before I make my decision."

"What are you talking about?" asked Dumbledore sharply. "Stop fooling around and sort Mr. Longbottom into one of the houses."

"Shut up Dumbledore," snapped the hat. "Do not proceed to tell me how to do my job. It is not like you do yours all that well. I, however, am doing mine correctly and I will not be threatened or bullied by you."

Albus sat in his chair stunned. He had just been dressed down by a hat of all things. He was so shocked by this that he did not speak. The hat continued with its work.

"Mr. Diggory," called the Hat. "Would you please join Mr. Longbottom on the dais?"

Looking confused, Cedric stood up from his seat and quietly joined Neville.

Minerva looked at the hat in confusion and then called the next name. Draco was called and he strutted to the hat and placed it on his head.

"Ah yes," said the hat in his head. "Another foul tempered Malfoy. You think that you are all that and a bag of chips as the muggle saying goes. Well, someone forgot to tell you boy that they forgot to bring the dip. I know just what to do with you. Better be GRYFFINDOR!"

Draco promptly passed out. Severus and Minerva rushed to his side and revived him. When they were sure that he was alright, Minerva waved her hand impatiently for him to join his classmates. Harry was called next and when he placed the hat upon his head, the hat took its time sorting him.

"I request that Mr. Potter wait with Mr. Longbottom and Mr. Diggory," said the Hat. "I will come back to these students in a few moments."

Minerva called down the list. Soon there were two names left on the list.

"Ronald Weasley," she called and watched as Ron walked up.

"Another Weasley," said the Hat out loud. "Doesn't this world have enough of them? Please take me off your head and go sit with your brothers. I don't know why that fool of a Head Master insists upon wasting my time. I think if I see one more Weasley that I will eat myself."

"That will be enough," snapped Dumbledore. "Just do your damn job and be done with it."

"Mr. Zabini, please come forward," said Minerva fighting to hide her laughter. "You are the last one to be sorted."

Blaise stepped forward and the hat had him stand next to the other three.

"What in the hell are you playing at Hat?" asked Dumbledore. "These students need to be sorted and I insist that you sort them this instant."

"Go to hell Dumbledore," snapped the hat. "Mr. Potter is an heir of all four founders. Therefore he is now a part of all four houses. Mr. Longbottom is an heir of Gryffindor and though he will be part of Gryffindor House, he will NOT room in the tower. Mr. Diggory, will no longer room in Hufflepuff House for the same reason. He is an heir of Helga and will be given special quarters. He will remain a Hufflepuff student. Mr. Zabini is an heir of Salazar Slytherin. The same rules apply to him as with the other three. The heir of Rowena has not come to Hogwarts yet. When he or she does, they will be given the same treatment as Mr. Potter and the other three heirs."

"What bullshit is this?" asked Severus. "You can not do that. Now I insist that you place them where they belong and stop all of this nonsense."

"He has my permission to do so," said a voice that no one could figure out. "What Hat says will be enforced or else. You Severus Snape will have some serious explaining to do about your actions should you continue on your path. The quarters of the five will be set up by Filius Flitwick and Minerva McGonagall in the Charms corridor. "I have already begun the work, but it will need to be finished. For now, Mr. Diggory, Mr. Longbottom, Mr. Zabini, and Mr. Potter may sit where ever they choose."

Harry, Neville, and Cedric sat with Hermione at the Ravenclaw table. Blaise not knowing what he should do joined them. Albus was more than a bit shocked and angry, but as he had no idea as to how to respond to the situation, he just allowed it to happen.

"I have a few start of term announcements that I would like to make," he said standing. "Your DADA professor is now Professor Quirrel. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason. Mr. Filch has told me for the one hundredth time that magic is forbidden in the corridors between classes and that the list comprising of four hundred and something items is posted on his office door. Also this year, the third floor corridor on the right hand side is off limits to all that do not wish to die a horrible death. With that being said I suggest that you all tuck in."

He raised his hands and the food appeared on the tables. The students all ate heartily. Once or twice, Albus or Severus tried to catch Harry's eye. When they did each would attempt to probe the boy's mind only to find out that it was blocked from their probing.

Albus attempted a harder probe on him. What he got was unexpected. As he pushed to get past the boy's mental shields, he suddenly had his head snapped back. When the stars left his head and eyesight, he looked around at Severus who gasped in shock. Albus was now porting a black eye. Pomona and Filius were also staring at Albus in shock. It was Minerva who found her voice first.

"Albus what happened?" she asked. "What did you try to do that caused this?"

"I have no idea," he lied smoothly. "I have done nothing."

"He tried to get into Lord Potter's mind using Legilimency," said the mysterious voice ratting him out. "He got more than he bargained for. This is his punishment for attempting to do something illegal."

"ALBUS DUMBLEDORE," yelled Minerva. "HOW DARE YOU TRY AND INVADE THE MIND OF A STUDENT?"

By now the entire hall was listening to the conversation. Albus was trying to say that he had nothing to do with it and that the voice was lying. Minerva slapped him across the face. When she was done, Poppy stood up and repeated the gesture. From there Pomona took a shot. Filius came up next with a lead pipe and belted him one. Leslie Neilson came up next and slapped the old man. From there a nun with a guitar came up and crashed the instrument over his head. After that a hooker came up and hit him with her purse. Hagrid walked up next cracking his knuckles. Severus was wearing an evil grin on his face as he took a swing with a baseball bat. Sybil Trelawney was waving her tennis racket. An old lady sprayed him in the face with pepper spray. Harry looked around in shock. There was a line of people waiting to take a crack at Dumbledore that made a circuit of the hall all the way to the door.

"Where did all of these people come from?" asked Harry looking around. "Isn't that a priest punching the Head Master in the stomach?"

"It is," said Hermione in awe. "It looks like the Pope is next."

AUTHOR'S NOTE – I hope you laugh as much reading this as my twisted mind made me laugh while I was writing it. As usual my story will be totally off the wall and out of control. The purpose is to make you laugh. If there is some drama and form of structure to it, call it a perk. The story is mainly meant to make you laugh. I have a box of tissues awaiting you all. Let me know what you think.


	3. Does He Ever Give Up?

DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling and that I could do something very inappropriate with my wand. Therefore I took the hint and am saying that I don't own anything except the plot.

DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will seem kind of off, and it probably will be. I have never done humor before and I am going to have a hard time with the adjustment. Thanks in advance for the support. I want to point out that I am still recovering from my laughter at my last chapter. I thought it was simply hilarious. I am not sure if I can top it, but I will give it a shot.

**Chapter 3 – Does He Ever Give Up?**

When the feast was over, the students were heading out of the Great Hall. Minerva joined Harry, Cedric, Neville, and Blaise at the entrance. The five of them took one look around and noticed that the line to beat on Dumbledore had thinned some. People like Pomona and Poppy were cutting the line every now and then to get another smack here and there and the nun was calling for a set of drums. Minerva shuddered at the thought of what the nun had in mind.

"We have never had heirs of the founders in the castle before," said Minerva. "Therefore we are unsure as to how to arrange this. The wards are adjusting to me a bit and I am to understand that there will be a few changes. Mr. Potter from what I am to understand, when you earn or lose points, it will be divided equally among the four houses. The rest of you will be normal in that you will earn or lose points for your specific house. Please follow me and I will lead you to your dorm."

They left the hall just as a crash from the cymbals sounded and Dumbledore screamed in pain.

"Well now we know what she wanted with the drums," said Minerva. "Let's hurry and get you to your dorm."

The students followed her to the Charms corridor where they met up with Professor Flitwick. The two professors quickly gave a run down of what professor taught which subject. From there, they met up with a portrait of the four founders sitting together.

"You will use the password of 'blood status' for now," said Filius. "We professors have our own passwords to get into the dorms. Each of you will have your own room as I am to understand that it is what the castle wanted. Your names are engraved on the plaque on the door. You will each have your own personal house elf to assist you and they are currently putting your things away."

Venom hissed and Harry stooped so that the snake could slither to the floor and go explore. Harry hissed at it to not get lost and to stay safe.

"Mr. Potter, how long have you been able to talk to snakes?" asked Minerva. "That is NOT a common gift. If I am guessing correctly, then Mr. Zabini will be able to do the same."

"I have been able to do that since I was able to talk," said Harry as Blaise nodded his head in agreement. "Talking to snakes is relatively easy. It would be the equivalent of me speaking French or Spanish."

"We are not passing judgment," assured Minerva. "We only know of two other Parselmouths. One of them is Salazar Slytherin himself and the other is the Dark Lord."

"Well as both Blaise and I are heirs, it would make sense that we inherited the ability," said Harry thoughtfully. "Does this mean that Blaise, Cedric, Neville, and I are related somehow?"

"I am afraid so," said Filius. "Though, the bloodlines are probably distant. However, you are related to these three Mr. Potter. They however, are not related to each other. That also means that Mr. Zabini and yourself are related somehow to the Dark Lord as we know he is a descendant of Salazar Slytherin."

"We will deal with Voldiewarts when we have to," said Harry with a smile. "This castle is awesome and I am glad that I can be with my new friends. I have to write a letter to Aunt Petunia. She will probably be beside herself with worry right now."

The professors smiled and left. Harry sat at his desk and wrote a letter to Petunia.

_Dear Aunt Petunia,_

_This place is amazing. I have made some new friends just like you said I would. Hermione Granger is a muggleborn. Neville Longbottom is a pureblood like I am as is Susan Bones. I didn't get sorted into a house. I got sorted into all four of them. Apparently our family is more important than we thought. I am related to all four founders of Hogwarts. I learned that before Head Master Dumbledore got beat up. Me and some of my new friends have been given special quarters due to our relationship to one or more of the founders. Neville is related to Gryffindor, Cedric is related to Hufflepuff, and Blaise Zabini is related to Slytherin. You would like this place. The castle is huge. I miss you already. I hope to hear from you soon._

_Love_

_Harry_

When he was finished writing the letter, he sent it off with Hedwig. She hooted in delight and flew out of the window. Harry sat at his desk and looked at some more of his books. He wondered what lessons were going to be first.

The next morning, the four students made their way to the Great Hall. Once more, they sat with Hermione and Susan at Ravenclaw. A very battered and bruised Dumbledore stood to make some announcements.

"It would appear that an hourglass has been set up for the professors of this school," said Albus. "We are not sure why yet as to the reasoning behind it, but there it is. Mr. Potter, we had a meeting last night to discuss who your Head of House was going to be. As you are a part of all four houses for whatever reason, we have decided that due to the conflict of interest it would cause, that Madam Pomfrey will be your Head of House. If you have any issues or concerns, you may speak with her or to me. Professor McGonagall has your class schedule. We felt that it would be good to allow you to stay with your friends. Therefore, you will follow the Ravenclaw schedule for the first years."

A loud gong like noise surrounded Dumbledore causing the old wizard to fall to the side his chair clutching his chest.

"Did you not hear what I was saying last night dumb ass," said the voice. "The Hat and I said that Harry is an heir to all four founders. Therefore he is a part of all four houses. He has the qualities needed to be in any and all houses. Next time I have to repeat myself I won't be so pleasant about it."

With that being said, Dumbledore carefully sat down looking around to make sure that no one was going to hit him. It was then that he realized that his under garments were wet and a foul odor was emitting from behind him. Realizing that he used the bathroom on himself in his fright, he quickly left the hall. The food appeared on the tables and the students began to eat. When the meal was done, the Heads of House all stood and began to hand out class schedules. Harry looked down at his schedule and saw that he had potions first with the Gryffindors. He, Neville, Hermione, and Susan all grabbed their bag and headed to class. They all sat down together and waited. Severus came in and with his usual efficiency quieted the class with a look.

"You will follow my instructions to the letter," he said. "Anyone caught fooling around will be thrown out and asked to not return. We seem to have some issues here in the school so I will address them immediately. Mr. Potter, I do not care who your ancestors are. You will not be given any special treatment in my classes. If I find you screwing around, I will see to it that you are punished for the rest of your life. The same goes for Longbottom."

Draco looked as if Christmas came early. He despised Harry for getting him into trouble so soon in the term as well as the events that led up to it.

"Tell me Potter," said Severus enjoying himself. "What would you get if you mixed powered root of asphodel with an infusion of wormwood?"

"Nothing Sir," said Harry. "Those two ingredients mixed together will only be a soggy mess."

"As you seem to be an expert on the subject," snapped Severus. "What would I need to add to it to make it into something?"

"You would need to add the juice from a sopophorous bean and valerian root to make the Draught of Living Death," said Harry.

"Where did you learn that?" asked Severus. "It is not in your first year potions books."

"Aunt Petunia and I bought more potions texts than what was on the list," explained Harry. "I bought an advanced potions book and that is what I discovered."

"Let's see," said Severus. "The rule is when you earn or lose points it is divided among all four houses. I will take a rounded twenty points from you for cheating."

Severus turned to look at the hour glasses on the wall in his office. Each Head of House has a set in their office. He waited for his ruling to take effect and when nothing happened, he got upset.

"I, Severus Snape, Master of this school insist that you deduct the points from Harry Potter this instant," he yelled.

"Shove your points up your ass Severus Snape," said the voice that was heard in the Great Hall the previous evening and this morning. "If you are going to dock points from him, then do so for something he has actually done wrong. Reading ahead in his course books is NOT cheating. I am awarding Harry Potter twenty points for his correct answer. I am further awarding him twenty points for listening to you yelling at him for no reason."

"You can not do that," said Severus. "Only professors in this school can add or subtract points. I will be talking to the Head Master about this."

"I don't think so," said the voice. "If you even think about it, what happened to him last night will seem like child's play. Now continue with your lesson."

Severus turned back to the class and with a glare at Harry began his lesson for the day. They were soon instructed to create a potion to cure boils.

"The instructions are on the board," snapped Severus. "You have thirty minutes to brew me a correct potion or you will lose points and receive detention."

Harry and Neville stood and went to the storeroom indicated for their ingredients. As they were passing the hour glasses, Harry noticed that it said minus twenty points in the professor's glass. When they got back to their table, they began to create the potion. Draco was waiting for an opportune time to make his move. When Harry reached away to grab his next ingredient, he flung the mandrake root towards his cauldron. Harry calmly placed is next ingredient into the cauldron and continued on not knowing what was happening. In the next instant, Draco's cauldron exploded. His sleek blond hair was now a violent blue and sticking straight up on his head.

"What in the hell?" asked a startled Severus when he realized that Ronald Weasley also had blue hair that matched Draco's. "What happened here?"

"Harry Potter threw something into my cauldron," said Draco immediately. "I saw him Professor Snape."

Severus looked over to Harry and saw the surprised expression on his face. He grinned as he pounced on Harry.

"Thought you would make yourself look good and Draco and Weasley look bad did you?" Severus sneered. "That will be one hundred points from you and a month's worth of detention."

"Wrong again bat," said the voice. "Malfoy is lying. Potter did not do this. Lord Potter, you are herby excused from the detention ordered and you will not be losing the points."

"WHY DO YOU KEEP CONTRADICTING MY AUTHORITY IN MY CLASS," yelled Severus. "Can't you just go away and let me do what I am paid to do?"

The next thing Severus knew, he was slapped behind his head. His face hit the unfinished potion on Harry's desk and boils sprouted all over his face. He quickly used the antidote.

"Evanesco," said Severus muttering the Banishing Charm. "You have just earned a zero on your daily performance."

"Evanesco," muttered Harry waving his hand at Severus and was astonished to see that Severus' clothes were vanished.

The class broke into hysterics. Severus did not understand what they were laughing at until he felt a draft and looked down. When he realized that he had no clothes on, he left the room in a hurry to put some on. When he came back he was unable to articulate words coherently. He just pointed to the door screaming for them to get out. The class quickly cleaned up their area and left the room in a hurry.

Harry and his friends had Transfiguration with the Gryffindors next. They got to the classroom with plenty of time to spare. Harry and Hermione sat together this time. This was a subject that both had an interest in. When all of the students were present the cat sitting on Minerva's desk jumped off and transformed back into the stern professor in mid jump. The class all clapped for her. She took one look at Draco and Ron, who were sitting at the table next to Harry, and started to ask what was going on. Before she spoke a word, she changed her mind feeling that it was best if she didn't ask. She had the class take notes on the subject and from there, went on to hand each student a match.

"You are to attempt to transfigure your match into a needle," she said. "You have been taught the incantation as well as the wand movement. You may begin."

Harry and Hermione waved their wand while muttering the incantation. After a few moments, both succeeded in transforming their match into a perfect shining silver needle. Harry looked to Hermione and smiled. Minerva was talking to Lavender Brown when she noticed that Draco Malfoy had reached over and swapped his match for Harry's needle. She was about to say something to reprimand him, but was cut short when the needle decided to teach him a lesson all on its own.

Draco was delighted to have stolen Potter's needle. He lifted it up to call over Minerva when the needle flew into the air and stated stabbing him in different parts of his body. He started to yell as he was getting poked. Minerva just stood there unable to do anything to help him. Harry looked down at his match and then at the commotion and realized what had happened. With a sigh, he waved his hand and the needle flew to him.

"Mr. Potter," said Minerva. "Would you care to explain to me what just happened?"

"Yes ma'am," he said. "Whenever someone does something that is designed to hurt me, my magic flares up and defends me. It would seem that when Draco tried to sabotage my potion in class, it rebounded on him. I think that is the reason why he and Weasley have blue hair that is sticking straight up. I managed to transfigure my match into a needle. I think Draco took it and my magic flared up again and punished him for attempting to cause me harm or something."

"Twenty points to you for being honest with me," she said. "You and Miss Granger earn another eight points for succeeding on your first try. Twenty five points from Gryffindor, Mr. Malfoy for theft of another person's work and a detention with me added to the week you already owe me. You will see me after class for your detention schedule."

At that time for whatever reason, the match belonging to Seamus Finnegan caught on fire.

"Five points will also be deducted from Mr. Finnegan for being an idiot," she said with a sigh. "Homework will be three feet on the uses of transfiguration and where you went wrong during your attempts. Mr. Potter and Miss Granger, please turn in a foot and a half as you have properly done the transfiguration. Class is dismissed."

Harry and Hermione went to lunch. As they sat down, they noticed that an older version of Draco was sitting there with Dumbledore. When all of the students were sitting, Albus stood up and spoke.

"Mr. Malfoy has requested a re-sort for his son," said Albus. "Therefore I need Draco to step forward so that we can get his re-sort finished."

Draco stood up from the Gryffindor table and his father and Albus were wide eyed as the blue haired boy headed to the front of the staff table.

"What in the hell has happened to my son?" asked Lucius. "Who did this to him?"

"Potter did this to him," said Severus pointing. "I have tried giving him detention and point loss, but something in the castle is stopping it."

"Wrong again Severus," said the voice. "Draco did this to himself and I will not tell you again about being cruel to Lord Potter. If I have to tell you once more, it will not be pleasant for you. Draco Malfoy attempted to sabotage Mr. Potter's potion. It backfired on him and this is the ending result."

"Severus you need to fix him quickly," said Lucius. "My son can not go around looking like that."

"I am working on the antidote, but I have no idea of what to do just yet," admitted Severus. "I am working on it. Shall we just get on with his re-sort? The sooner he is in his proper house the sooner we can all breath in relief."

Draco strutted up to the sorting hat and placed it on his head.

"You better put me in the right house this time you old piece of tinder," warned Draco. "If you don't, my father will have your burned like the trash you are."

"DUMBLEDORE," yelled the hat. "Since when, am I to be questioned about where I place a student? I have looked into Malfoy's mind and can see where he belongs. I do not take kindly to threats. I insist that you do something about this immediately."

"It is the right of the parent to dispute the sorting," said Albus. "They are entitled to ask for one re-sort. So please just do what you are supposed to do and sort Draco into his correct house. As for his threats at your destruction, I will give him a detention for his threat against a relic of the founders."

Draco sat there grinning. It was his belief that his father had gotten him out of danger and back under the watchful eye of Severus. He was not happy with the fact that Minerva had him scrubbing the bedpans in the hospital wing every night with his own toothbrush for a week or that the week following he would be scrubbing the toilets around the school by hand without using magic.

"Let's see," said the sorting hat loudly for all to hear. "The boy has no brains. He is stupid to say the least. He has no ambitions as he cries to his father when the going gets tough. He has no bravery as he is determined to cause problems for the other students. Therefore I have no choice but to place you in HUFFLEPUFF."

A moment later, two thuds were heard as both Draco and Lucius passed out. With a sigh, Albus levitated the two out of the dining hall and into a private room. Albus had no idea of how to get control back of his school. He decided to call a staff meeting for that night. Maybe if they all put their minds to it, something could be figured out.

Harry and his friends finished their lunch and then headed to Charms. This was a class that Harry was looking forward to as he knew his mother was a charms master. Professor Flitwick had them take some notes on the subject before he taught them the wand movement and incantation of the Levitation Charm. Once he was sure they had it, he instructed them to give it a try.

Harry took out his wand and with a smile waved his wand and said "Wingardium Leviosa" and had the satisfaction of watching his feather fly into the air. The only problem was that it did not stop. The feather kept going and smashed through the ceiling and into the classroom above them. It kept going right through the roof and flew away into the sky. Everyone was sitting there and watched the progress of the feather with awe on their faces. Harry meanwhile was busy banging his head on the desk. Professor Vector looked trough the hole and asked if they should expect any more missiles to come through. Harry was near tears. Hermione and Susan were rolling with laughter. Filius waved his wand and fixed the holes in the ceiling.

"Well," he said. "I have never seen anything like it before. Mr. Potter I recommend that you stop hitting your head before you hurt yourself. I will award you twenty points for that even though I am not sure what happened. It looked like the Levitation Charm, but I have never seen anything like that before in my life. Miss Granger and Miss Bones there are tissues on my desk to clean up your tears of laughter."

The class ended not long after that and the group all headed down to Herbology.

"There has got to be some respite for me here," said Harry to Hermione. "After all there are no spells in this class that we are going to be using."

"Just relax Harry," said Hermione. "You are earning points left and right and you are making everyone laugh. Keep up the good work. With you as a classmate, I will never have a dull moment."

Professor Sprout came in and started the class. They were working with some of the vines that day. Hermione went to pick up the water can when Draco shoved her onto the ground. Harry looked at Draco angrily and to his horror he saw that not even in a class with plants were things going to be easy for him. The vines proceeded to lift Draco up by his ankles and shake him. From there the vines made a lap where it placed Draco and gave him a sound spanking. Harry was near tears again and started banging his head on the table in front of him. Hermione took pity on him and had Professor Sprout conjure a pillow to put under his head to prevent too much damage.

"Why can't that stupid git just understand that if he quits, then my magic will not flare up and beat him to within an inch of his life?" asked Harry at dinner than evening. "He just doesn't quit. First he tries in potions and his hair will stay like that until Snape finds and counter for it. Then he attempts to get credit for my work in McGonagall's class, and to top it all off, he hurt Hermione in Herbology causing my magic to get the vines to whip him like a farm boy in the shed with a willow switch. This just can not keep happening to me."

"You have to admit though Harry," said Cedric smothering down his laughter. "It is pretty dam funny."

"Mr. Potter," called Albus. "You will see me in my office in ten minutes so that we may discuss your behavior today."

"What do you mean my behavior?" asked Harry. "I haven't done anything wrong. In fact I have earned points in every single class that I have been in today with the exception of potions and somehow even though Professor Snape hates me, he was unable to dock points."

"We will discuss this in private n my office," said Albus sharply. "You and your Head of House will meet with me and the other Heads of House in ten minutes n my office."

Ten minutes later, Harry was standing outside of the gargoyles waiting to be let in. He did not know the password.

"Erm," he said. "I do not know the password. Could you let me up or let someone know that I am here?"

"Forgive me Lord Potter," said the gargoyle. "Please head on up."

With that the gargoyle leaped to the side and allowed Harry entrance to the head Master's office. When he got there he could hear a shouting match going on in the office.

"That boy is a disaster in my class," yelled Severus. "I will not tolerate him causing problems. He is lying and someone in this castle is helping him and stopping me from giving him detention or point loss."

Harry was about to knock on the door when it opened and Severus came flying past. He raced back down the stairs to see what was going on and watched as Severus made a curve around the hall corner and the flew out of the front door of the castle like a midget in the circus canon. Harry bent down and picked up the professor's wand and watched as he tried to get back into the castle. The doors slammed in his face knocking him back onto the lawn in a rumpled heap. Harry headed back up to the Head Master's office and knocked on the door.

"Come in Harry," called a weary Dumbledore. "Professor Snape had to leave for a few minutes, but I am sure that he will return shortly."

"I don't think so," said Harry in an awed voice. "The last I saw, he was shooting out of the front entrance upside down. He dropped his wand on the way out."

Harry handed the wand to Albus.

"Who is helping you in this castle?" asked Albus. "Something somewhere is not right and we as professors are supposed to have control of the castle. Not some eleven year old upstart."

A slapping noise could be heard as Albus spoke.

"I am Lady Hogwarts," said the voice. "I usually do not take an interest in the going on of the lessons and point system. Severus has been aiming to get Lord Potter into trouble on your order Dumbledore. I will not allow you to harm this boy. You stated that you want him down trodden and under your control. That will not happen. You will no longer cause harm to this child."

"Is this true Albus?" asked Minerva. "Have you attempted to have Harry Potter abused? That is very unprofessional. You have us here because Severus is screaming like a little girl that he can't get his way and deduct points."

"Harry earned points from me for knowing the ingredients to the Draught of Living Death," said Hogwarts. "Severus tried to trick him with the question and when Harry got it right, he accused him of cheating and tried to deduct points. From there the Malfoy boy attempted to sabotage Harry's potion. It was stopped. Harry was accused of the attempt and Severus attempted to deduct one hundred points and to give him a month's worth of detention. I put a stop to that and took points from Severus. From what I can see, Severus is the one losing points for the professors while Filius and Minerva have earned points for treating the students fairly. Ten points to Pomona for the same reason."

"So basically even though I am the Head Master I have no say so in how I work with my students," said Albus. "This is not happening."

"Get used to it Dumbles," said Hogwarts. "I am always watching."

"So what is the purpose behind dragging Mr. Potter here?" asked Minerva. "The boy is a delight in class. He is very skilled, very intelligent and very talented."

"I agree with Minerva," said Filius. "I think it is a good idea to start teaching him some control of his magic though. He can perform the spells admirably if a bit rough."

"Dumbledore," said Hogwarts. "If you attempt to scan that boys mind once more, we will have a repeat of last night."

"NO," said Albus standing, and running up the stairs in his office. "Anything, but that. I don't think I can handle another one."

"Mr. Potter," said Minerva looking at him kindly. "Please return to whatever it was that you were going to do. You are not needed here and your behavior is impeccable. Do not worry about Severus of the Head Master. We will help keep them in check."

Harry went to his dorm and filled his dorm mates on what happened. The group didn't fully understand what was going on, but between the Heads of House and the Lady Hogwarts, they knew that Harry would be well looked after.

The next morning, a disgruntled Severus Snape was finally allowed back into the castle. He went down to his dungeons and cried. He didn't attend any of his classes for the day. Up in the Head Master's office, Albus was in a similar state. Neither man was up to anymore problems for the day.

Draco Malfoy however was another story.

AUTHOR'S NOTE – I will end this chapter right here. I want them to be fun, but at the same time, I want them to have some sort of plot to go with it. We will bump up to the troll incident next chapter. Thanks for the support.


	4. Some People Just Won't Learn

DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I have never had that many review hit on the very first day of posting a chapter. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will see kind of off, and it probably will be. I have never done humor before and I am going to have a hard time with the adjustment. Thanks in advance for the support.

**NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. I would also like to thank athenakitty for her contribution to this story as well.**

**Chapter 4 – Some People Just Won't Learn**

That Thursday was flying classes. Madam Hooch approached Harry with a smile.

"Your father was a flying prodigy," she told him. "I hope that you have inherited some of his talent. I look forward to seeing what you can do on a broom."

"Thank you Madam Hooch," said Harry politely. "I am looking forward to class today. Aunt Petunia told me that Dad was on the Gryffindor team as a chaser."

The mail arrived a few minutes later. Hedwig flew down and perched near Harry. He took the letter from her and gave her some food from his plate. He read the letter with a smile. His Aunt sent him well wishes and congratulations on his point earnings. She also sent her normal requests to hear of his activities and the going on in the castle.

Neville also got mail. In it was a sphere with smoke. He gave a sigh as he looked at Harry and Hermione.

"I know what that is," said Hermione looking at him. "It is a Remembrall. When the smoke changes colors, it means you forgot something."

"It was a waste of money," said Neville. "Anyone who is anyone knows that I would forget my own name if it wasn't written all over my belongings."

"Don't worry Neville," said Harry. "We will help you. You are our friend and we will assist you in any way that we can. You are a good person that just needs a confidence boost."

"Hey look," said Draco reaching over and snagging the orb. "Longbottom got something stupid. I think he needs to be teased for being a brainless git."

Harry stood up angrily and leaned over to Malfoy. Draco looked back at him with narrow eyes.

"Give it back to him Malfoy," snapped Harry. "It belongs to him and I am not going to tell you again."

"Poor Potty," said Malfoy. "You come from a noble family and you hang out with Mudbloods and squibs."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than he was flipped upside down. From there he was spun like a top on the floor on his head. Hermione and Neville started rolling in their seats in laughter as Cedric was looking on in amusement. Soon others in the hall were laughing and pointing at Draco.

"Take your bets," said Fred Weasley loudly. "Will he puke when he stops or will he soil himself?"

"I will take the bet that he will puke when he stops," said Cedric.

"I think he will do both," said Neville piping up through his laughter.

"What is going on here now?" asked Minerva. "Why is Mr. Malfoy spinning on his head in the Great Hall?"

"I think it is my fault," said Harry from his place where his head was still banging on the table. "He took Neville's Remembrall and when I told him to give it back he called Neville a squib and Hermione a Mudblood. After that I got angry and this is the result."

"Oh ok," said Minerva. "Carry on. I will take the bet that he is going to puke and soil himself as well."

With that Minerva headed to the staff table and waited. Dumbledore came in and saw the carnage before him. He heard the bets ranging from small to large and getting wilder with each rotation the blond made.

"What in the hell have you done this time Harry Potter?" he yelled drawing his wand and stopping Draco from spinning. "One hundred points from you for this outrage."

"Shut up you old windbag," said Lady Hogwarts. "I am not going to allow that."

"Like hell you won't," screamed Dumbledore. "I am the Head Master of this school and I said he will lose the points."

"I am getting tired of people blaming me for him causing trouble," said Harry angrily standing. "Had he stayed away from me and kept his mouth shut, I would not have gotten upset with him. That is what caused my magic to flare up and take revenge on him. Neville is NOT a squib and Hermione is NOT a mudblood. The sooner you people learn that picking on me just because I am Harry Potter the sooner that we can all have a peaceful life."

"Do not talk back to me," snapped Albus. "That will be one hundred points from you."

"Wrong again you old fart," said Lady Hogwarts. "Since when, is it a crime to speak the truth in this castle?"

Draco stood at that moment and shit in his pants. He staggered a moment and fell over. When he stood up again he turned to the head Master and projectile vomited at him. Albus stood there in shock as he was drenched in split pea soup.

"Harry Potter," began Albus and was interrupted as he broke wind.

Everyone stood up that was seated near him and backed away as the ripe smell filled the area. Albus gagged and threw up drenching Draco with his formerly eaten breakfast. Draco turned to the side and vomited again. This time Pansy Parkinson was hit with the vile stuff. She turned green and puked back at him. Dumbledore was floored and turned and vomited again on her. She retaliated with her own. Soon it was an all out vomit war. People like Minerva and Poppy were sitting there eating their breakfast as if nothing were amiss. Severus was sitting there with an expression on his face that was a mix between shock and disgust. Pomona sat there watching the scene with interest as she was eating her breakfast.

"Fred Weasley," called Minerva. "I believe you owe me some money for my bet on Mr. Malfoy."

"Right you are Professor Cat," he said as he walked forth and handed her the money. "I owe some to Neville as well."

Soon the vomiting stopped and the three people were standing there covered in the icky mess. Dumbledore turned to Harry.

"Harry Potter," he began and then broke wind once more. Soon the vomiting started once more as other students started to ad their own to the scene.

"Some people will never learn," observed Pomona. "I think maybe we need to get someone with a bit of authority to stop Albus. Mr. Malfoy will drown soon if someone doesn't rescue him."

"If you think I am going near that you are crazy," said Minerva. "I say let them carry on. It is none of our concern."

"Mr. Filch will have a heart attack when he sees this mess," said Filius. "I did not know people could throw up so much. I wonder why Albus passes gas every time he says Harry's name."

"Probably because he was going to blame Harry for all of this even though it is not his fault," said Poppy. "I will never understand why Albus has made that child's life so miserable."

"Probably because he was miserable himself as a child," said Sybil. "I think someone poked him in his inner eye."

Soon the hall cleared and those that were part of the vomit war were sent to the infirmary for ailments of different sorts. Mr. Filch could be heard screaming for hours as he mopped up the mess.

Later, first year had flying lessons. Madam Hooch came up and smiled at Harry.

"When I say go," she instructed. "Hold your hand over your broom and say up."

"This will be a piece of cake," said Draco. "I will fly circles around you losers."

"Maybe we should just hex his lips closed," said Hermione. "Every time he opens his mouth something bad happens to him. One would think by now that he would be too scared to speak for fear of something bad happening to him."

"Some people never learn," said Rolanda. "Ok everyone begin."

Harry put his hand out over his broom and said calmly "up" and had the satisfaction of seeing the broom fly into his hand.

"You are such a freak Potter," said Draco. "Let me show you how it is done properly. UP!"

As soon as he said the word, all of the brooms flew off the ground and proceeded to whack Draco around the head and shoulders. The blue haired blond raced to the castle with the brooms beating him all the way inside. Screams of pain could be heard from within.

Meanwhile Hermione, Neville, and many others were rolling on the ground howling in laughter. Among them was Rolanda Hooch, the instructor.

"That is just the funniest shit I have ever seen," she said standing and wiping the tears from her eyes. "I swear that we will always have something amusing to watch in this castle now that Harry Potter is here."

Moments later, Albus Dumbledore came to the grounds.

"Harry Potter," he began and was interrupted as he passed gas so loud that it blew a hole in his robes and allowed everyone in the area to hear.

Behind him Draco Malfoy passed out from the smell. Albus turned around and raced back inside as once again the students on the pitch and their instructor was rolling with laughter. Once they were able to stand up and not shake with suppressed laughter, they were allowed to continue with the lesson. True to her thought, Harry was a natural on the broom. When the class ended, he was awarded fifty points for his ability to do amazing things on the broom.

"Harry," she called. "Usually I would offer you a spot on the quidditch team. However, as you are a part of all four houses, it would be hard to be able to place you. I am going to offer you a spot as assistant referee."

"That sounds like fun," said Harry. "Maybe I could play as reserve for all four houses and if someone is sick I can fill in for them."

"That is a brilliant idea," she said. "Twenty points to you and I will approve that. I will speak to the four Heads of House and inform them of my decision."

The two of them walked into the castle and stepped over the still prone figure of Draco Malfoy lying on the grass.

"Do you think we should send someone to help him?" asked Harry.

"No. Just let him lay there," said Madam Hooch. "At least as long as he is unconscious, he will not be a problem for anyone."

The two continued walking to Harry's next class talking about quidditch. Hours later, Draco woke up from his ordeal and realized that no one had helped him and left him lying on the ground.

"When my father hears about this someone will pay," said Draco. "Mainly Potter and his stupid self will get punished for this. How dare he do this to me?"

At that moment, Severus Snape shot out of the castle like a frozen turkey in hot cooking oil. Minerva opened a window and leaned out.

"Let me guess," she said sarcastically. "You attempted to badger Mr. Potter again and the castle is teaching you a lesson about bullying a student. Are the two of you ever going to learn?"

At that moment the sound of a massive fart echoes through the corridors. Minerva stayed near the window as throngs of students raced out of the castle and away from the smell. They were soon followed by the staff and eventually Dumbledore. Minerva sighed as she leaned out of the window.

"Eventually," she snapped. "Those of you that feel it is ok to pick on students will realize that the rest of us are paying for your stupidity. Now someone had better figure out how to get rid of this smell so that the students can return to class."

"This is all Harry Potter's fault," snapped Albus and then he farted once more causing a good three dozen students to pass out from the smell.

"ALBUS," yelled Minerva. "Will you get it through that thick skull of yours that Harry Potter is NOT the one that is the problem here? This is YOUR fault and once you realize this and stop blaming the child, you will be better off."

Poppy conjured a Bubble Head Charm and was seen reviving the comatose students. Professor Flitwick and Sprout were seen helping her.

"For the record Dumbledore," said Minerva. "The back of your robes are now brown. You might want to change."

With that, she waved her wand and gusts of wind blew the smell out of the castle. She gave one more aggravated look at Dumbledore, flipped him off and then slammed her window shut.

Weeks went by and from time to time one could see a beaten Dumbledore, Snape, or Malfoy walking around. Also from time to time you could see students fleeing the castle when Albus tried to blame something on Harry and his bowels defended the child.

One evening Harry was talking with Neville and Hermione. They were not watching where they were going and the stairs changed on them and caused them to land near the forbidden corridor. They tried to figure out another way of getting out, but there was no way. They came to a door and Harry opened it.

"I don't think this is a good idea," said Neville nervously. "This corridor is forbidden."

"With good reason," said Hermione. "We are being looked at by a huge three headed dog. We need to run and we need to run fast."

Harry looked around and saw the dog. The dog started to growl and then made to come at the three students.

"SIT!" yelled Harry.

The other two students stopped in mid flight and sat. So did the dog. Harry approached the dog and began talking to it in soothing tones while scratching each head behind the ears. The dog began to wag his tail and the three heads were each trying to lick Harry. Hermione and Neville timidly approached the animal and they began to pet and scratch it as well.

"I wonder why this dog is locked up inside of this room?" said Harry. "It doesn't seem fair that it can not get any exercise. Maybe we can take it outside for a walk."

"That would only be fair," said Hermione. "Do you think you can get it to come outside with us?"

Harry shrugged and beckoned to the dog. When they opened the door, Filch was standing there. His cat took one look at Fluffy and lost all of its fur. Filch stood there for a moment in shock before he turned a questioning eye to Harry.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. "This corridor is off limits."

"The stairs changed on us and refused to move back," said Harry. "The only thing that let us do anything was this door where we discovered that this dog is locked up in here. There is nothing for it to do and no where for it to go to get exercise. We were going to take him for a walk."

"The stairs have never acted that way before," remarked Filch. "I wonder why it refused to let you leave."

"That would be my doing," said Lady Hogwarts. "Dumbledore is planning on harming this boy. He was hoping that Fluffy would harm Harry. However, it seems that Harry and Fluffy are now friends."

"Well," said Filch. "Twenty points to Harry Potter. Please escort Fluffy outside and give him some exercise please."

"Thanks Mr. Filch," said Harry happily as he beckoned to the dog.

Dumbledore was furious. He looked out of his window and was astonished to see that Harry, Hermione, and Neville were rolling around the ground with Hagrid's giant three headed dog. He opened his window and cast a Sonorus Charm on himself. He was furious and for once he was going to deduct points from the boy.

"Harry Potter," he began only to be interrupted by a huge fart that echoed throughout the castle. "Damn it all to hell. I can't even call the boy's name and I get punished. Why is this happening to me?"

"You are attempting to cause him harm," replied Lady Hogwarts. "Every time you do something that is unfair or harmful to him, you will be punished. Now I suggest that you go and change your robes. The ones you are wearing now have a hole in them."

Hagrid came out of his hut and saw that Fluffy was playing with some of the students. When he realized that the student was Harry Potter and his two friends, he smiled. From there, he turned around and headed back into his house.

"Far be it for me to interfere," said Hagrid. "I may have been expelled in me third year, but I know better than to pick on Harry Potter."

"Ten points to you Hagrid," said Lady Hogwarts. "It is people like you that Harry needs in his corner."

That evening at dinner, Albus was sitting there trying to figure out how to punish Harry. Fluffy was sitting in the Great hall near him and was receiving treats from Harry and his friends. He had a stroke of genius and stood up. He approached Harry and spoke.

"Boy," he said pointing. "You will lose fifty points for stealing this animal. You will also serve a two month detention for this infraction."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than one hundred house elves appeared in the Great Hall. Each had food or other items in their hands. Soon pies, turkeys, slabs of beef, sacks of potatoes, pumpkins, and every now and then the stray cooking utensil or pot flew and struck Dumbledore. The head of the house elves approached Dumbledore and looked down at him. He took the crème pie that was in his hands and smashed it in Dumbledore's face.

"You is leaving Lord Potter alone," said Smirky. "We is watching out over him as well and you is not hurting him. We is not going to tell you again."

"HARRY POTTER!" roared Dumbledore trying to get to his feet not realizing until it was too late that he used the boy's full name.

His fart was so loud and so hard that he slammed into the ceiling of the Great Hall. After the carnage was over with, Hagrid got a ladder and was seen using a giant spatula to help pry Dumbledore off the ceiling. Fluffy made short work of the food that was used to beat on Dumbledore.

"Mr. Potter," called Minerva. "I recommend that you take your new friend with you to your dorm room. You will now be responsible to make sure that he gets exercise each day. We will call it a project for Care of Magical Creatures."

"Yes ma'am," answered harry happily. "Come of Fluffy."

Hedwig, Spook, and Venom took to Fluffy as quickly as Harry did. The next few days saw the four animals following Harry around the castle. Severus was not thrilled to have the Cerberus in his classroom and more than once got thrown out of the castle for attempting to sabotage Harry. Draco Malfoy usually walked around with more damage to him than one person had a right to have.

It was the night of the Halloween feast and all of the students were having a great time in the Great Hall eating and enjoying each other's company. Those that were brave enough were seen playing with Fluffy and feeding him treats from the tables. The doors of the hall opened and Professor Quirrel ran in.

"There is a troll in the dungeon," he said. "I thought you should know."

He passed out on the floor and Dumbledore looked at him. Harry was looking at Quirrel thoughtfully and he went to the aid of the professor. As he knelt next to the teacher, the turban on his head was knocked a little to the side. Albus meanwhile was trying to figure out how the students were not panicking to hear that there was a troll in the castle.

"Are none of you worried that there is a troll in the castle?" he asked the students.

"Why should we worry about a troll in the castle?" asked Hermione logically. "We have all of the professors sitting here with us except for Professor Quirrel and we have Hagrid and Fluffy. We are safer here than anywhere at the moment so why should we panic?"

"Ten points to Ravenclaw for that logical thinking," said Minerva. "You should all remain in the Great Hall while we go and look for the troll."

"Professor Quirrel is faking," said Harry. "He is not unconscious. Every time I go to touch him he moves away."

Poppy pulled out her wand and ran a spell.

"Harry is telling the truth," said Poppy. "Do get up off the floor Quirrel. It is unbecoming of a professor to pull a stunt like this. Twenty points to Harry Potter for speaking the truth."

Quirrel got up off the floor and lunged at Harry. In alarm, Harry raised his hands in defense and the turban on the professor's head unraveled and wrapped around his body until he looked like a mummy.

"Hey," said Neville looking at the face on the back of the Defense professor's head. "That is what I REALLY call, two faced."

Some of the students burst out laughing. Harry was studying the face on the back of Quirrel's head.

"Hey everyone," said Harry suddenly in understanding. "It's Moldywart or what ever his name is. What is he doing in the castle?"

Everyone stood there in shock as Quirrel stood up. The turban had released him in Harry's excitement. He fixed his robes and then sauntered out of the Great Hall.

"Moldywart?" asked Draco. "Is that the best that you can come up with Potty?"

No sooner had the words come out of his mouth then he was once again on his head spinning on the floor like a top.

"You know," said Minerva. "If Mr. Malfoy keeps this up, we will have spent a small fortune to have the floors repaired. Every time he does something like this, he drills a hole in the floor. Yesterday he spun so much that he created a hole and fell into my classroom destroying my desk. Severus, have you not figured out yet how to fix their hair? Molly Weasley has been sending me daily letters asking if you have."

"I am still working on it," snapped Severus. "I still haven't figured out yet how to undo the concoction that was created when Potter did what he did in my class."

Those students that were standing or sitting near the staff table heard Professor Snape's words and quickly got out of the way as the professor turned into a human pin ball and was seen bouncing off tables, walls, people, doors, and eventually flung out of the castle.

"One would think that he would just stop blaming Harry for all of the problems that Draco is causing," remarked Filius. "One of these days, he will get seriously hurt."

"Did anyone notice that there is the word TILT over the staff table?" asked Hermione pointing. "I think Professor Snape lost points or something for it. That word is usually associated with pinball games in the muggle world."

Sure enough, the word TILT was in big red letters over the staff table. Lady Hogwarts growled in frustration.

"Not to worry Miss Granger," she said. "I will do better next game."

When Draco finally finished spinning, his head was in a hole in the floor and he was both urinating and defecating while regurgitating. Students were backing away slowly from the blonde. The smell was atrocious.

"Does anyone not care at all that Lord Voldemort and a troll is both in the castle?" asked Dumbledore with incredulity. "This is a very dangerous situation we have here."

"Only because you have made it so," said Lady Hogwarts. "The troll has been evicted. Last I looked, it was molesting Severus. As far as Molywart, he left a few minutes ago mumbling something about ungrateful people and strange children and I am sure that I heard something along the lines of drowning himself."

Albus gave a huge sigh and started banging his head on the table. Minerva looked at him with disgust. With an aggravated sigh, she transfigured the wooden table into a stone one and had the satisfaction of seeing Dumbledore knock himself out cold.

"That should take care of him for awhile," she said. "If you are all finished eating, I suggest that you all head to your common rooms."

"What about Draco?" asked Pansy pointing to a still upside down Malfoy. "What are you going to do about him?"

"Nothing," said Minerva. "He did this to himself. He got himself into the situation, and he can get himself out of it."

With that, the students all rose from their tables and left the Great Hall. Minerva was the last to leave. She turned back and saw Dumbledore passed out on the floor with a bruise forming on his head and Draco still out cold from his spin with his head in a hole. She shut the doors with a shrug and went to her quarters.

AUTHOR'S NOTE – This story is a parody and spoof. I am not intentionally building a plot. I just wanted to make people laugh. Therefore, if it seems like the story is all over the place that is why. I didn't really want a structure. I just wanted to put in some laughs. Thanks for each review and all of the support that you are giving me.


	5. Yep! They Are Still At It

DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will see kind of off, and it probably will be. I have never done humor before and I am going to have a hard time with the adjustment. Thanks in advance for the support.

**NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. PLEASE NOTE that if I have not responded to your review, it is either an accident for not seeing it in the story and author alerts or that you sent it anonymously or I am unable to answer it. I take pride in answering each and every review, but every once in awhile I will miss one.**

**Chapter 5 – Yep! They Are Still At It**

Things in the castle were bad. Suffice to say that they were REALLY bad. Voldemort was possessing the DADA Professor and Dumbledore was unable to do anything about it as he had troubles of his own.

During the staff meeting, the professors all entered with their wands in their hands in case they needed them for something. Albus started the meeting.

"We are here to discuss what is happening in the castle," he said. "I will hear from each and every one of you with regards to lessons and then we will discuss students. Let's hear from Minerva first."

"I think things are going smoothly in the castle despite certain issues that I will not name," she said looking at Quirrel and then Albus and finally Severus. "The students are no longer fighting amongst themselves. With the exception of one student in particular, the houses are finally working together to ensure that the rivalries are limited to the quidditch pitch. I, for one, couldn't be happier about this."

"Pomona lets go to you next," said Albus. "What are your views of the happenings around the school?"

"I will reiterate, that with the exception of a few incidences, that really do not regard me, the school seems to be doing ok," she said smugly. "There are a couple of students in the school that are pulling some stunts, but they seem to be punished before we have a chance to say anything. It is making our jobs easier. I have not had to dock points for trouble makers in quite some time. It seems to me that it is limited to one student and two professors that the most trouble is centered around."

"Filius what do you have to add to this," sighed Albus. "Please do not badger me. I am only doing my job after all."

"Trouble in my class is at an all time low,' said Filius. "Like my colleagues have mentioned, it is surrounding one student in particular that I am having the most trouble and nothing we say or do is stopping him."

"Potter needs to be put in his place then," said Severus. "Every time I dock points from him the castle throws me out. This has to stop. Albus you have to get control back of the castle. Yesterday his potion was the wrong color. I docked ten points and then Hogwarts reversed it and threw me out of the castle. I spend more time trying to get back in than in the actual classroom."

"Why are you aiming only at Harry Potter?" asked Minerva. "Surely he isn't the only one that is making mistakes in potions. I am sure that others are worse than he is in the subject. Are you taking points from them as well?"

"Don't tell me how to do my job or run my class Minerva," snapped Severus. "The boy just doesn't get it."

"Let me tell you what happened," said Lady Hogwarts. "Harry's potion was supposed to be turquoise and it was teal. Severus just told you a lie. He was trying to dock one hundred points from Harry. Draco Malfoy was passing by the cauldron and added something extra to the potion. Harry was attempting to rectify the situation when Severus banished his potion and gave him a zero. Therefore fifty points was deducted from Hufflepuff for sabotage and Severus was sent outside. For the record, Gregory Goyle's potion was orange and Ronald Weasley's potion turned to stone and you didn't take points from either of them."

"So you ARE still only targeting Harry," snapped Minerva. "You will never cease to amaze me. Don't you think we have other concerns to worry about other than a shade of difference in the color of Harry's potion? Why on earth would you not dock points from Malfoy if he was attempting sabotage?"

"Because Malfoy is his godson," said Lady Hogwarts. "He is trying to figure out how to get Malfoy into Slytherin and is blatantly showing favoritism towards him and the Slytherins. I am countering most of it."

"So I still have no control of the castle as the Head Master?" asked Albus. "Why won't you let me do my job?"

"You are not doing your job at all," said Lady Hogwarts. "You are more concerned about trying to get into Harry Potter's vaults than actually running the school. Shouldn't you be worried that the Dark Lord is running around the school? Yesterday he tried to hex a student in the corridor and I had to step in and do something about it."

"What do you want me to do about him?" asked Dumbledore. "He is not causing trouble here. In fact from my observations, he is acting like he has lost his marbles."

"Wouldn't you if every time you go to hex a certain student you belch big blue bubbles for an hour?" asked Minerva. "I swear you people are just stupid. We have you that almost kill us every time you mention Harry's name. Severus spends more time out of the castle than in. Don't think I didn't see the suit of armor have you across its lap spanking you either. Add in that every time Draco Malfoy opens his mouth to target Mr. Potter or his friends he spins like a top on the floor and creates a hole. Yesterday he did it in class. He called Miss Granger a mudblood and his desk jumped up and ate him. It took me an hour to get the boy out of the desk. I can't continue to teach under these conditions."

"So what are we going to do about Harry Potter?" asked Dumbledore.

Immediately the professors cast the Bubblehead Charm and Dumbledore passed gas that was so loud and hard that the windows shattered and the thestrals left the forest in fear.

"I would not recommend that you move just yet Dumbledore," said Lady Hogwarts. "You have just ruined another set of robes. Oh and you might want to go up to your suite soon. The rest of your clothes are leaving your closet."

Dumbledore flew out of his chair and raced up the stairs. When he got there, he was in shock. All of his robes were busy floating out of the closet. The professors downstairs were in awe as each set of robes bowed to them, slapped Severus across the face and then left the office. A crash could be heard from up the stairs. Minerva and Pomona were the first to appear in the room. Albus and a set of robes were wrestling on the floor. Both women were immediately in hysterics as it would appear that Albus was losing the match.

"Can you quit laughing at me and help me here?" he asked while the robe wrapped a sleeve around his neck and threw him on the floor.

A second set of robes appeared and jumped off the canopy in a frog splash effectively pinning Dumbledore to the floor. The other set of robes tapped the floor in a count of three and then raised the arm of the other robes in victory. From there, the two sets of robes floated out of the door leaving Minerva and Pomona holding each other up while blue in the face with laughter. When they were able to breathe again, the two women looked around. Dumbledore was still lying on the floor barely conscious. Something silvery was lying in the bottom of his closet. Minerva picked it up and saw the tag.

"This cloak belonged to James Potter," she said. "What in the world are you doing with it?"

"He left it in my care right before he died," wheezed Albus. "Can you get Poppy? I think I have a couple of ribs broken."

"He is lying," said Lady Hogwarts. "He stole that from James. He has been holding it here ever since. I think Harry would like to have that back."

Minerva agreed. She draped the cloak over her arm and left the room. As she headed out the door she spoke with Poppy.

"The thief just lost a wrestling match against his clothes," she said. "Now that we know he is a liar and a thief, he has a couple of ribs that are broken and is asking for you."

"I will get to him when I have time," said Poppy, following the Deputy out of the office. "I better go make sure that the castle or Harry hasn't killed Mr. Malfoy yet. I swear I see that boy in the hospital three times a day at least."

"He is like his father and Severus," she said. "They just don't know when to quit. Has Harry been in your hospital wing yet this year?"

"Nope," she said. "He is doing great. From what I hear, he is doing great in all of his classes and is tied with Miss Granger for the top spot."

"Yes he is," said Minerva proudly. "I have a final look at all of the test results and even though Severus marks him with a failing grade, between me and Lady Hogwarts, we give Harry his appropriate grade. He is getting an Outstanding in all of his subjects with the exception of History of Magic. In that, he is getting an E in that one. Then again Binns used to put me to sleep in his class. Harry and Miss Granger are the only two students passing the subject at this time."

As the two women were talking, Severus went flying past and out the front door. Neither woman batted an eyelash as a scream of rage could be heard. Once more, they did not even stray from their conversation as the sound of a huge fart echoed through the corridors.

A few weeks later they were all in the Great Hall eating when a new target just so happened to make their presence known. Ronald Weasley was sitting there talking with the twins.

"Mum said that we were to become friends with Harry Potter," said Ron. "How are we going to do that when he doesn't even talk to us? She said that if we make friends with him that we will get some of his money and we won't be so poor anymore."

"Maybe we can slip him a potion," suggested Fred. "That way we can MAKE him be our friend."

"ALERT," said Lady Hogwarts screaming in Dumbledore's ear causing the man to have an accident in his shorts. "The Weasleys are talking about slipping Lord Potter an illegal potion. Plus they have something in their possession that belongs to Lord Potter. DO SOMETHING. You are always screaming that I won't let you do your job. Well here is your chance."

"NO," said Albus. "I will not do anything about it. I don't care if anything happens to Harry Potter."

The wall behind the teachers crashed down as the fart blasted the wall to pieces. At the same time Voldemort was attempting to hex Harry and he belched. The two things happened simultaneously. When that happened two beings appeared before the group. One was gassy looking with flecks of shit in it and one was clear like saliva with bits of food in it. From there they started screaming at each other in Japanese and started fighting. Everyone sat there stunned for a few moments as the two beings started to do damage to the furniture. The students quickly left the area as the two entities managed to make their way towards the doors of the hall. No one at the staff table said a word as they were all too stunned to comprehend what had just transpired. Harry was calmly sitting there eating his dessert while all the commotion was going on around him. Both entities passed right over him and didn't touch a hair on his head. At one point both entities stopped in the middle of the hall and went into sumo wrestler position. They both bowed low to Harry and then proceeded to wrestle. Hermione had to excuse herself. She was laughing so hard that she accidentally used the bathroom on herself. Others around the hall were in the same predicament. Harry gave a sigh and pretended like nothing was happening. Peeves the Poltergeist was in the process of selling tickets to see which entity would win the fight.

"I want all of the Weasleys in my office this instant," said Minerva. "We will deal with what you had in store for Mr. Potter."

"OH," said Lady Hogwarts. "I can tell you. Apparently Molly Weasley wants Harry's money. Ronald and Fred and that thing that is his twin were planning on slipping him a Friendship Potion to force Lord Potter to be their friend."

"What item is in their possession that belongs to Lord Potter?" asked Minerva. "I already have to deliver his cloak to him."

"It is called the Marauder's Map," said Lady Hogwarts. "The twin pests stole it from Filch. It rightfully belongs to Harry as his father was one of the creators."

"You two will hand over that map immediately and show both Mr. Potter and myself how to use it," she snapped. "Harry if you would be so kind as to accompany me to my office, I will get all of your possessions to you."

"Yes Ma'am," replied Harry. "I am done eating and I would like all of my belongings returned to me."

"Then you might want to give him the Sword of Gryffindor," said Lady Hogwarts. "That belongs to him as well."

"He will not be getting that sword," yelled Dumbledore. "He has no claim to it."

A magical glow surrounded Dumbledore for a moment. The old wizard looked alarmed for a moment. When nothing happened he relaxed. The Sword of Gryffindor glided into the Great Hall and stopped in front of Harry. He reached out his hand and took the sword.

"You will return that Sword to me immediately," said Albus standing. "It does not belong to you. It belongs to the castle."

"Who do you think the castle belongs to you old windbag," snapped Lady Hogwarts. "As the Heir of all four this castle and everything in it belongs to him. Oh and Dumbledore, if I were you, I would run."

"Why would I do that?" snapped Albus.

"Because your next wrestling opponent just appeared in the doorway," said Lady Hogwarts.

Albus turned white as a set of his robes appeared in the doorway flexing its arms. There was a Heavy Weight Title belt around its waist. Dumbledore stood and raised his wand only for it to fly up and disappear. A look of horror appeared on his face when he realized where it went. He raced from the hall as fast as he could which was saying something as there was an eleven inch stick up his ass. The robes took off in hot pursuit of Albus.

Minerva gave a sigh and a shake of her head as she glared at the Weasleys before they all exited the hall. They were soon ensconced in her office and she was giving them one hell of a lecture.

"You have no right to attempt to harm Harry Potter," she said. "Your threat of a potion to force him to be your friend is out of line. One hundred points from Gryffindor. Your mother will be receiving a Howler from me for this and for her thoughts. How dare your family attempt to want to get money from an innocent child?"

"He is noting but a half blood," snapped Ron. "He doesn't deserve to have all that money when my pureblood family is poor."

Harry was floored by this. He had no idea that Ron felt that way about him. Ron glared at him and made to flip him off when the next thing anyone knew, there was a scrub brush and a pail of soapy water floating in mid air. The items then proceeded to wash Ron's mouth out with soap and water for his abusive tongue. Minerva sat there wide eyed and gaping as Harry proceeded to bang his head on the desk. Minerva was in awe of the spectacle before her. Without even realizing what she was doing, she transfigured the portion of the desk for Harry to hit his head on something softer and then proceeded to sit back and watch the show in front of her. The soap and brush went from Ron to Fred and then to George. A house elf proceeded to bring her a bowl of popcorn. She absently grabbed a few pieces and sat back.

When it was all said and done, the three Weasley children were cleaner than anyone ever saw them before. Every time they opened their mouths to speak, one or the other would belch bubbles. Minerva dismissed them all and with a smile to Harry she escorted him to his dorm. Albus raced by screaming about the robes doing bodily damage to him.

The next day in class, Harry and Hermione were in the process of attempting to vanish their snails, when Draco Malfoy struck once more. He stood up and then faked tripping and slammed his hand down smashing Harry's snail.

"OOPS," he said sarcastically. "Sorry Potty. It looks like you will not be getting a grade today."

The next thing anyone knew, Draco was hanging from the ceiling with a light in his mouth and his ass and his robes wrapped around him displaying all of his goods to the class. The light show that emanated from him was a delight even if it was disturbing. At that moment Albus raced by screaming with the robes chasing right after him.

"Honestly," said Minerva handing Harry another snail and banishing Draco from the class. "How am I supposed to teach when there are so many distractions in this school? Mr. Potter you will eventually break either your head or the desk if you keep slamming your head on it."

"That is the idea Professor," said Harry. "I do not understand why this keeps happening to me. All I want is to study, do well in my classes, and make some friends."

"It seems to me that you have succeeded then," she said kindly. "Other than a few oddballs, most of the school is your friend. You are the top of your year with your grades and your homework is always impeccable. Please do not let what is happening to a few misguided people stop you from doing what you are already doing."

"Yesterday the ninja sumo wrestlers wrecked the History of Magic classroom," said Harry. "When I tried to help and attempted to banish or even to vanish them, they multiplied instead. Now we have four of them wandering the school fighting."

"Oh dear," said Minerva as Albus raced by once more. "That is a problem. We should have warned you to not try that. Tell me Mr. Potter. What is happening in DADA? You are coming face to face with the man who killed your mother and father. What is he trying to do to you?"

"He attempts many things," said Hermione answering for a crying Harry. "Unfortunately every time he does try something, the class is filled with bubbles from his belching where we have to leave due to it filling up the classroom. We have no idea what to do about that. Yesterday, the Dark Lord ran out of the room crying and the last we saw, they were jumping into the lake. When that happened, the giant squid took offense or something and threw them back out. They landed on Hagrid and from there we saw, Madam Pomfrey was patching him up from the broken bones that Hagrid inflicted upon him or them. It gets so confusing with two faces on the same head."

"Are you actually learning anything in the class?" asked Minerva in shock.

"Harry and Hermione teach us what they learned," said Hannah Abbot. "The two of them are great teachers."

"Are you telling me that DADA is being taught by two first years?" asked Minerva. "This is absurd. We have to do something about this. I will have to talk to Professor Dumbledore when he stops running from his clothes. This is getting seriously out of hand."

"You are telling me," mumbled Harry. "We actually saw Professor Quirrel trying to strangle himself with his own hands day before yesterday. The man was in tears. When I approached him to calm him down he shrieked something about me being possessed and raced out of the room. It took me twenty minutes to get him to come out from underneath his bed."

"Oh my," said Minerva trying to smother her laughter. "This is more serious than I thought. Has any other mishaps happened that I do not know about?"

"Yes ma'am," said Harry miserably. "I had to rescue Draco Malfoy yesterday."

"Why?" asked Minerva hating the fact that she was curious in spite of herself. "What happened to Mr. Malfoy?"

"We were nearing the loo when he decided to insult my heritage again," said Hermione. "The next thing we know, Harry raced into the loo and was seen trying to pull Draco out of the toilet. He was stuck upside down with his head in a toilet that had not been flushed yet."

"What happened after that," said Minerva fanning her face as she was trying not to laugh. "What was the result?"

"I had to flush the toilet so that I could see what I was doing," said Harry miserably. "The next thing I know the toilet sucked him all the way in. I had to get Professor Flitwick to come and help me get him out."

By now Minerva was making no pretenses. She was sitting at her desk, banging her fist on it with laughter. Harry gave a sigh and reached into his pocket to hand her some tissue. Minerva was howling with laughter as she dismissed the class and sent them to Charms.

They were practicing the Summoning Charm. Harry was a bit timid about this. His spell casting, while accurate, tended to be over the top. He gave his wand a wave and summoned the pillow that he was supposed to be summoning. Unfortunately, he summoned not only his, but everyone else's and everyone else. It took ten minutes for everyone to untangle themselves from the pile of people. Filius was laughing so hard that he actually used the bathroom on himself and had to excuse himself for a few minutes to fix the damage.

Next they were in potions. Everything was going just fine for Harry. Severus tried a different approach on this day. If he ignored Harry, he might actually get to stay in the castle. This suited Harry just fine. He was able to make a perfect potion. Severus looked at him and awarded him ten points. Harry stood there shocked. Draco however started to complain.

"He cheated," said Draco. "I saw him steal some potion from Granger."

"How in the hell is he supposed to have done that?" asked Lady Hogwarts. "She is not even sitting near him."

"Draco," said Severus quietly. "For the love of Merlin, just shut the hell up. I am tired of having my office destroyed every time your mother or father sends me a Howler. It is not my fault that these accidents keep happening to you every time you try to harm Mr. Potter or Miss Granger."

It was at that moment that Crabbe passed by Draco's desk and farted. The flames from Draco's burner flared up and burned off all of Ron's hair. The now bald boy screamed in pain and shock and raced from the room. As he was turning the corner, Albus raced past him with the robes still chasing him. Meanwhile in the classroom the four ninja sumo wrestlers appeared and were busy destroying the potions lab during their fight. Severus sat at his desk and cried. Harry sighed and with a friendly pat on the back he placed his Pepper Up Potion near Severus and left the room. Draco made to get up to follow them. When he stood he heard a ripping noise and when he turned around, he noticed that his robes were missing the area where his ass would normally be. Not only were his robes torn, but his under garments as well. He quickly covered up his bum and ran from the room.

That evening at dinner, Albus snuck into the Great Hall. He approached Harry.

"I am warning you boy," said Albus. "If you do not call off all of your spells and shenanigans in this school then I will have no choice but to expel you."

"I beg your pardon," said Harry ducking as one of the four fighters went flying overhead. "I am not responsible for most of what is going on. That is you and Draco that is doing things to try and hurt me that is causing all of this to happen."

"HARRY POTTER," yelled Dumbledore and then sighed as he made a huge fart.

Turning, he saw that all of the students that were sitting behind him had passed out into their food from the smell. Poppy, Minerva, and Pomona were rushing to their aid to assist them. A pop sounded and two dozen house elves appeared and started to run after Dumbledore. He yelled in fear as each was brandishing a rolling pin. Just as he made it to the doors of the Great Hall, the robes that had been chasing him all day clothes lined him and knocked him off his feet. From there, it put him in a full nelson while the house elves proceeded to beat him to within an inch of his life.

Once more a thudding noise was heard as Harry was banging his head on the table. Hermione quickly transfigured the table section into a pillow as Harry was starting to acquire a bruise on his forehead. Minerva had taught all of Harry's friends that particular spell as she could not be everywhere at once.

Later that evening the staff was all sitting around talking.

"Where is Albus?" asked Minerva. "Shouldn't he be here for this meeting?"

"The last I saw of him," said Pomona fighting to stay serious. "His robes were busy dunking his head in the toilet on the first floor. From there they grabbed him by his leg and dragged him off somewhere. I have no idea where they took him."

"Oh my," said Minerva fanning her face. "Well at least we have him out of the way for a bit. We need to discuss what to do about the Weasleys and Malfoys. Severus what is going on with the Malfoy parents?"

"I had to fight for ten minutes yesterday to transfigure my hair back onto my head," said a miserable Severus. "The howler that I received cursed me and I had to first hunt for my hair before I could get it back on my head."

"OOhh," said Minerva holding her sides in pain. "Where did you eventually find it?"

"Filch was using it to mop up the toilet incident with Draco," said Severus. "It took me hours of washing it to get the smell out of it."

"What is happening in Herbology?" asked Minerva standing with her back to Severus as she was fighting a losing battle with laughter. "Is there any news to report on that class?"

"Mr. Malfoy had to be escorted to the infirmary," said Pomona struggling with all of her might to keep a straight face. Once again he shoved Miss Granger to the ground and the plants took offense. It took me close to an hour to find the boy."

"Where was he?" wheezed Minerva.

"The plants decided to bury him," said Pomona wiping her eyes. "I found him in the back of Greenhouse two buried upside down in dragon dung compost. His feet were the only thing visible. Every time I went to rescue him, the Venomous Tentacular tried to bite me. I finally had to get Harry to come and rescue the boy."

"If he doesn't quit soon something in this castle will kill him," said Minerva getting up from the floor where she had fallen from her laughter."

"That is not the worst of it," said Filius. "I was passing the DADA classroom and Harry Potter was teaching the class about Hinky Punks. Apparently Professor Quirrell and the Dark Lord were busy trying to blow themselves up."

"Oh dear," said Minerva. "We need to stop. I don't think my ribs or chest can stand anymore. This is the funniest shit I have ever heard."

"Speaking of shit," said Professor Vector. "Dumbledore ran into my classroom and was proceeding to scream about Harry when his robes literally beat the shit out of the man right there in the middle of my class. I had to dismiss my class early and try to figure out how to clean the mess."

"The house elves have informed me that they are adding laxatives to Dumbledore's food," said Armando Dippet. "That is when they decide to feed him."

"I did notice that the chicken bit him last night at dinner," said Minerva laughing out loud.

"Didn't you notice that the elves placed a can of soup in front of him with a note to eat it?" asked Severus smiling. "According to the note it said that one way or another that the soup was going into him. It was split pea soup."

"So what eventually happened?" asked Pomona.

"We aren't really sure," said Severus. "We know that as soon as Albus denied the food, the can disappeared and he was walking funny for a few hours."

"Oh please quit," said Minerva holding her chest. "I can't take anymore. Severus I am begging you to please start treating Harry nicely. If not, you will end up like Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Weasley and of course Dumbledore."

"I plan on it," said Severus. "I have been able to stay in my class for the last few days due to not being evicted like a pin ball. Mr. Potter was actually helpful to me in his last class when the four ninja sumo fighters destroyed my classroom. He came back later and helped me to clean everything up."

As the teachers were heading to their quarters, a huge fart sounded in the castle. Each professor sighed in disgust and headed to their rooms.

AUTHOR'S NOTE – I have to say that I laughed throughout the whole thing. I amuse myself sometimes and I am not sure that is a healthy thing. Let me know what you think.


	6. Some People Are So Stupid

DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will see kind of off, and it probably will be. For those of you that are enjoying this story, it just means that you are just as twisted and warped as I am.

**NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. PLEASE NOTE that if I have not responded to your review, it is either an accident for not seeing it in the story and author alerts or that you sent it anonymously or I am unable to answer it. I take pride in answering each and every review, but every once in awhile I will miss one.**

**Chapter 6 – Some People Are So Stupid**

The days passed and soon the Christmas holidays were upon the castle. Hagrid brought in the trees and Professors Flitwick and McGonagall decorated them with style. The mood around the castle was that of a lively affair. Most of the professors just ignored the four ninja sumo wrestlers when they came near their classrooms. Many of the professors had agreements with the entities that they would not destroy or interrupt their classes with their war. Minerva was still worried about the DADA classes as they were still being taught by Harry and Hermione. It was during the staff meeting that the subject was broached.

"Albus," said Minerva. "Come out from under your desk and talk to us. We need to know what to do about the DADA classes. Harry and Hermione are still teaching the first years."

"First off," said Albus from under his desk. "I will NOT come out. My robes are still beating the hell out of me at every turn. Next I want to point out that the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw first years are getting top scores in DADA with boy and girl teaching. So if it isn't broken don't fix it."

"Surely you can't continue to let two first years teach an important subject such as DADA," said Pomona tugging on his arm trying to get him to come out. "They need to be taught by an adult that is proficient in the subject. I sat in on the class the other day and while I was impressed with both Mr. Potter and Miss Granger, I am concerned by the actions of Quirrel and Voldiesnorts. They kept interrupting the class."

"Really?" asked Minerva. "What was happening? What are the two of them doing to upset the class?"

"They wanted to teach the class how to knit," said Pomona. "They are trying to teach the class things that have no business being in a classroom. That is when they two of them aren't demonstrating how to kill your self. I think learning the defensive spells and such are a lot more important than what pattern to use to make a sweater or the fifty ways to throw your self off of a building."

"If it is any consolation," said Filius. "I have been training both Mr. Potter and Miss Granger in the evenings in the subject of DADA. So at least they are learning the material needed to pass on to that particular class. Even at the rate they are going, the first years in that class will pass the course for the year."

"Thank you Filius," said Minerva as she grabbed Dumbledore's other arm and helped Pomona pull him out from under the desk.

The two women sat him in his chair and at threat of wand usage made him stay sitting.

"Now," said Pomona huffing for breath. "We need to get a new Defense professor in this school. You may not want to do anything about the situation, but we do. Having Voldiesport in the castle is not doing us any good."

"As long as he is within our sights and not causing anyone any damage then I don't see what the problem is," said Dumbledore stubbornly. "I am less worried about him and more worried about Harry Potter."

Eleven Bubble Head Charms were cast as Albus farted and flew over his desk into a crumpled heap on the floor. No sooner had he landed, when his robes appeared and put him in the Scorpion Death Lock. Dumbledore was beating on the floor in pain. Severus and Minerva sighed as Hagrid was finally able to tap the floor three times claiming the robes the victor of the match. When that was done, the robes pointed to Dumbledore and then to itself and then made an obscene gesture as well as a choking gesture before floating away. Albus promptly fainted.

"Severus, have you been able to fix Mr. Malfoy's hair?" asked Minerva.

"I was finally able to create the counter and his hair is now blond," said Severus. "It does still have a blue tint to it. There is not much I can do about that until it grows out and he can cut it. It is however soft again and not sticking straight up on his head."

"Well that is a good thing," said Minerva. "At least he isn't a spotlight in the classroom anymore. Have we had any more incidences with him recently?"

"Yes," said Pomona. "That stupid child just doesn't learn when to quit. I swear he has a death wish. He actually hit Miss Granger with a shovel and the plants beat the living hell out of him."

"Merlin," exclaimed Minerva. "Was he seriously hurt?"

"I doubt it," said Pomona dismissively. "They were going to quarter him before I stepped in. Harry had to help me convince them to not kill him."

"What do you mean?" asked Filius.

"Four different vines grabbed an arm or leg each and were attempting to pull him in four different directions," explained Pomona. "We had to stop them before they got too far."

"What are you going to do about it?" asked Severus.

"He is banned from my classes," said Pomona. "He will have to repeat Herbology next year."

"That will make him a year behind his class mates in that subject," observed Minerva writing it down. "Something tells me that Lucius is not going to be happy about that."

"Well it is Draco's own fault," said Pomona. "The prefects are working overtime preventing the house from killing him. I have to spell him into a room at night to keep the students from attacking him while he sleeps. Thanks to him we are a negative four hundred points and that is mainly due to him losing points all the time for his mouth and actions. The only thing that is keeping Hufflepuff floating is the fact that Harry Potter is earning points."

"Well I am going to award Hufflepuff four hundred points for the prefects keeping Malfoy safe," said a generous Minerva. "We seriously need to get him out of there before someone kills him."

"Lucius will be here soon," said Severus. "That is a given. He is furious that Draco is not in Slytherin. To be perfectly honest, I don't want him in my house. I just don't know what to do with the child. If it isn't students that want to kill him it's the castle and everything in it. Yesterday his own cauldron grabbed him around the head and was trying to drown him. I swear that boy is just plain stupid."

"I still say that it is all the fault of Harry Potter," said Dumbledore.

The pictures behind him caught on fire causing the occupants to flee when he passed gas. The desk flipped over and Fawkes was forced into a burning day.

"For Merlin's sake Dumbledore," snapped Minerva gasping for breath. "Will you stop saying his name before you kill someone? Why is it that every time that something goes wrong in the castle, you automatically point the finger of blame at him? He is a very generous child with good manners that is the top of his year. He is passing every single subject including History of Magic."

"I do have to say that, that especially is impressive," said Severus. "Even I had trouble staying awake in that class. I think I got an acceptable on my OWL."

At that moment the door of the Head Master's office opened and the robes came back in. They grabbed Albus by his ankles and dragged him out of the room howling and screaming. The others in the room just stood there with a resigned look on their faces. When they saw him later in the day, his head had been shaved and his beard was tied up around his neck in a bow. He was also porting two black eyes and he was limping.

"What in the hell happened to you this time?" asked Minerva.

"The robes dragged me outside and shaved my head," said Albus. "Then they did this to my beard. When they were done with that, they tried to shove my own leg up my arse. I tell you they will end up killing me if they don't quit."

"How did you get the black eyes?" she asked pointing. "You do know that if you quit your machinations, then your robes will probably leave you alone."

"I was used as a toboggan," said Albus ignoring her last comment. "I was slammed into some bushes and I got hit in the face often. I am terrified that they will end up killing me. If this doesn't stop soon I will be forced to leave the castle."

"Children," called Voldemort. "Come out and play. It is time for Red Rover. Then we will play patty cake and something about baking a man. I have a good recipe for roasted man."

Minerva sighed as she grabbed the DADA Professor and steered him back to his quarters. This was getting seriously out of hand.

The next day during lunch, the sound of a huge fart filled the castle. What the students did not expect was for the doors to fling wide open and the music from Bob Seager's Old Time Rock and Roll sounded. Those that were muggleborn knew the music. Harry was staring in horror at what might happen next. Soon Hermione was consoling him as he started to cry. Dumbledore came sliding into the Great Hall wearing a pair of socks, sunglasses, and a red thong. As the music played, Dumbledore was shaking his butt to the beat of the music. When he turned to the different tables, the sound of vomiting could be heard as many of the students who were not trying to gouge out their eyes were busy puking. Up at the staff table, the professors were so shocked that none of them could do anything but sit there and gawk at the spectacle before them. When the music finished, Dumbledore stood there not sure what to do next. Minerva decided that something needed to be done about the situation. She grabbed the newspaper and walked over to Dumbledore and grabbed his head and slammed it to the table.

"BAD BAD BAD BAD," she said over and over beating him soundly with the newspaper while rubbing his nose in the mess the students made with his little performance. "What have I told you about blaming Mr. Potter for your stupidity? Did I not tell you to leave that poor boy alone? You should feel lucky that this is all that I am doing to you."

At that moment the ninja sumo wrestlers appeared and started fighting in the Great hall. They stepped on Dumbledore and one of them even picked up the old man's leg and started to wield it like a sword at his opponent. When they moved on, the robes dropped from the ceiling knocking all of the air out of him causing him to shit on the floor. Minerva started to usher the students out of the hall while the robes started to place Dumbledore in a figure four leg lock causing the old wizard to scream in pain.

"Professor McGonagall," said Hermione. "I think we need to give something to poor Harry. I don't think his nerves can take to much more."

"Help Mr. Diggory get him to his room," she said. "I will have Poppy give him a sedative to help calm him down. We may have to bring Petunia to the castle before the poor boy has a nervous breakdown. I just don't understand why Dumbledore and Malfoy won't leave Harry alone. It is like they are asking for something serious to happen to them with all of their shenanigans. I will eventually have to contact the Minister of Magic about this."

Hermione nodded to Minerva and between her and Cedric they got Harry to his common room. Neville and Blaise were there to help the crying young man get into his bed. Hermione sat at Harry's desk and wrote a quick note to Petunia.

_Dear Mrs. Dursley_

_My name is Hermione Granger and I am writing on behalf of Harry. We think you may have to come to the castle and help with him. Between Dumbledore, Snape, and Malfoy, we think Harry will cry himself to death or something. Head Master Dumbledore and Draco Malfoy are the worst of the lot and they just keep going after Harry. Professor Dumbledore is actually trying to get into Harry's vaults. If you CAN come to the castle please send a reply and I am sure that Professor McGonagall will send someone out to get you._

_Thank you _

_Hermione Granger_

She gave the letter to Hedwig and told her it was for Petunia. The owl looked at Harry and hooted in agreement and flew out of the window. Hours later, Harry was sitting in his room having been given a Calming Draft. Hedwig came back with a reply from Petunia.

_Dear Miss Granger_

_Please send someone to my house at Number Four Privet Drive to get me immediately. I am going to start kicking some ass for those that are putting my nephew through that much drama and bullshit. Please keep him safe until I arrive. As far as Dumbledore getting his hands on Harry's vaults, he will have a hard time if he has no hands to do it with. I will get there as soon as possible. Thank you for alerting me of the dangers and trouble. You might want to suggest to Professor McGonagall to send for Remus Lupin as well. He is a friend of James and Lily._

_Sincerely Petunia Dursley_

Hermione raced out of Harry's common room and searched for Professor McGonagall. When she found the teacher, she gave her the letter. After reading it, Minerva went into action sending a letter to Remus telling him to stop at Privet Drive and pick up Petunia on his way to the school. The next day, Petunia and Remus entered the Great Hall with fury in their eyes.

"What in the hell are you doing to my nephew?" asked Petunia. "I send him here to this school to be taught and Miss Granger is under the impression that he is about to have a nervous breakdown."

"It is his entire fault," said Minerva pointing to Albus. "This old fool can't seem to get it out of his head to leave Harry alone. We are not interested in harming Harry. Only Dumbledore, Malfoy, and every now and then Voldespark are causing problems. Otherwise, Harry is top of his year in grades and has the manners of a saint. He is a joy to teach and even Severus has learned to leave the boy alone."

"So what?" Draco yelled. "Potty has to have his family come and defend him from the big bad Head Master? Is he some kind of pussy?"

No sooner were the words out of his mouth then he was flung upside down and his shorts pulled away from his ass. The chandelier came down and started to spank him. Petunia stood there with Remus in shock as the castle started to discipline the boy.

"This is what happens when someone says or does anything that hurts wimpy little Harry Potter's feelings," said Dumbledore.

Sounds of people hitting the floor followed as the fart blew Minerva and Hagrid off their feet. Petunia and Remus ran from the room to go vomit from the smell.

"What in the hell is all of that?" asked Remus. "That was the most awful smell I have ever witnessed in my life. How is it that the students are not sick from it?"

"They are used to it," said Pomona handing each a cold wash cloth. "That happens so often in the castle that most of the students wear the muggle car fresheners around their necks like jewelry. I am Professor Sprout. I teach the students Herbology. You must be Remus and Petunia. I enjoy teaching Harry. He is such a great kid."

"I taught him well," said Petunia proudly. "He is the same way at home even though his uncle is a bully."

The group was met up by Minerva and Filius. They spoke for over an hour about what was happening in the school. The more Petunia and Remus heard the angrier they got. Things were not sitting well with them on this issue.

"What are we going to do about this?" asked Remus. "We have to stop Dumbledore from getting into Harry's vaults. From there we have to get the Dark Lord out of the castle. We have to figure out how to get Harry's magic under some kind of control. We also need to figure out what to do about DADA. Two eleven year old students can't continue to teach the subject."

"I am going to stay at the castle until the end of the year or longer," said Petunia. "I will be able to better keep an eye on Harry and help him from the attacks by his peers. That arrogant little blond bastard is lucky that the chandelier beat him before I got my hands on him."

"He has a lot of nerve talking about Harry needing his relatives anyway," snorted Minerva. "Every time that he has something happen to him or he doesn't get his way, he writes to his father about it. Lucius sent me a letter stating that he and the Minister of Magic will be here this evening to discuss what to do about Harry. Yesterday I passed the loo and saw the ghost known as Moaning Myrtle dunking his head in the toilet."

Petunia and Remus were fighting to keep a straight face. This was something that Petunia was not accustomed to, but she was picturing it all the same in her mind. They got up to head to the special quarters that were prepared for them when Dumbledore ran past screaming with a set of wizard's robes chasing him with a glowing branding iron.

"Shouldn't we do something to help him?" asked Remus. "That looks dangerous."

"Are you willing to get in the way?" asked Minerva. "We learned quickly to stay out of it and to let the robes do as they wish. It is safer all the way around."

"Good point," admitted Remus and watched as a second set of robes put him in the twist of fate and slammed him to the floor. The first set of robes took aim and pressed the glowing iron to Dumbledore's ass cheek. When the smell of burnt flesh passed, they could make out the words "Hogwarts' Bitch" burned into his flesh. The spectators were just standing there in awe as Dumbledore promptly fainted and let loose his bowels. Poppy sighed as she used lotion to ease the burn and used magic to give him a pain reliever. From there, she left him in a heap on the floor and went back to attend her duties around the castle.

Later that evening, the Minister of Magic appeared at the castle with Lucius Malfoy. Fudge was upset about having to miss his dinner to handle the affairs of the castle. He demanded that Harry be summoned. A few minutes later, Harry, Minerva, Remus, Petunia, Voldemort, Dumbledore, Pomona, Severus, Draco, and Filius met in Dumbledore's office.

"I insist that you do something about Harry Potter," said Lucius smoothly placing gold in Fudge's hand. "He is a danger to my son and I insist that he be locked away for Draco's safety."

"Yes we will have to do something about him," said Fudge. "He can't stay in the castle if he is causing trouble. I am afraid that he will need to be expelled."

"You can not expel him," said Lady Hogwarts. "He is the heir of all four founders and as such he can not be expelled. As it is, he is not the cause of the problems in this school. You have a Head Master that is scared of his own clothes, a blond ponce that doesn't have a brain cell in his head, and Voldetarts playing patty cake instead of teaching."

"I am the Minister of Magic and I can do what ever I want," snapped Fudge grabbing Harry by the arm. "I demand your wand this instant."

"Let go of my nephew you bastard," snapped Petunia slapping him across the face. "I am going to sue you for everything that you have."

"I have the perfect lawyer," said Minerva. "I will send him an owl as soon as this meeting is done."

"You are nothing but muggle trash," snapped Lucius. "I will teach you a lesson about talking that way to your superiors."

"Voldemort do something," said Harry. "He is your servant after all. I will not have him threatening my Aunt that way."

Voldemort walked over to Lucius and slapped him. For good measure he turned and slapped Fudge. When he was done, he turned and slapped Dumbledore. Afterwards, he turned and slapped Draco. Dumbledore was not going to be outdone and slapped him back. Soon Lucius slapped Dumbledore. Dumbledore slapped Fudge. Fudge slapped Petunia. Petunia gave him a right hook. Draco slapped Lucius. Severus slapped Dumbledore. Minerva slapped Draco. Pomona slapped Voldemort. Voldemort slapped himself and then looked confused about it.

Harry sat there with Remus and cried. Filius was busy trying to console the boy. When they looked again, Petunia had Fudge in a head lock and was busy punching him in the face. Voldemort had Dumbledore in a leg lock and was trying to break his leg. Minerva and Pomona were busy beating the hell out of Lucius. Draco was about to jump on Minerva when a suit of armor grabbed him and threw him out of the window and into the lake. Soon the four ninja sumo wrestlers entered the room and each one picked a target. Soon the four fighters had Fudge, Dumbledore, Lucius, and Voldemort and was dragging them out of the office.

"I think we can safely say that Harry will not be expelled this evening or ever," said Minerva taking a breath. "We had better get him to the safety of his common room. Mr. Longbottom and Mr. Zabini, along with Mr. Diggory will be able to attend to Harry for the night."

"Come on Harry," said Petunia. "Let's get you into bed. We will not let anyone hurt you. I am not sure where those four fighters came from, but I am pissed that they took away my fun. I was enjoying beating the hell out of the Minister of Magic. He is nothing but a pansy ass bitch and I will have him cleaning my shoes with his tongue before long."

"Remind me to never upset you," said Remus. "I doubt that even my werewolf side can compete with that."

The next morning the students and staff were eating breakfast when a huge fart sounded in the castle.

"Something tells me that Dumbledore is up to something again," said Petunia.

She was sitting in Dumbledore's chair and refused to move. She was determined that she was going to make sure that the students and staff behaved themselves. Minerva adjusted the wards to accommodate her. Being the Deputy, she could do such things. When all of the students were present and accounted for, she stood up and made some announcements.

"My name is Petunia Dursley," she said. "I am afraid that Professor Dumbledore is unable to do his job correctly so I am taking charge. My first order of business is to inform you that Professor Quirrel will no longer be teaching Defense. The Heads of House and I decided that it is in your best interest to have a professor that is actually teaching you the subject rather than someone who wants to play hide and go seek. Therefore we are appointing Professor Remus Lupin to the post."

"Who are you to decide what goes on in this castle," demanded Draco Malfoy. "You are nothing but a muggle with a big mouth."

Petunia descended upon Draco in a heartbeat. With a wave of his wand, Remus conjured a paddle and Petunia let Draco have it. When she was done, she assigned him detention with Mr. Filch and then headed back to the staff table.

"Does anyone else have anything to say?" she asked.

When no one spoke, she continued with her announcements.

"Lady Hogwarts has assured me that due to the relationship that I have with Harry Potter, she will allow me to take the mantle of Head Mistress for now," she said. "This means that when you get yourselves into trouble that you will serve manual labor until you make amends for your actions. Now I am also to understand that certain students have been going out of their way to cause trouble. I am here to tell you that I will not tolerate it. I will not hesitate to expel a student who continuously disrupts the classes. I absolutely abhor the word mudblood. If you are heard saying it, you will automatically lose fifty points. Blood status means nothing here. Do I make myself clear?"

When no one spoke, she stood and cracked her knuckles. She soon got a resounding "yes ma'am" from the students. She was about to say something more when the music of Toni Basil sounded. Harry groaned and put his head in his hands as the doors opened and Dumbledore, Fudge, Lucius, and Voldemort all where thrown in dressed as cheerleaders. Dumbledore was doing the dance from the music video and the other three were forced by magic to follow his lead. The students were laughing openly at the display of all four older wizards dressed as female cheerleaders waving pom poms. Lucius even had his hair in pig tails. All were wearing clashing colors on their costumes. People like Minerva were wheezing trying to catch their breaths while the four wizards completed their routine. From there, the four of them ran from the hall.

The next day, the newspaper had a field day with it. The headline was bold and blaring.

**Minister of Magic resigns position!**

In recent events, the Minister of Magic was seen taking a bribe from Lucius Malfoy in an effort to expel the heir of all four founders. Mr. Harry Potter was then accosted by Mr. Fudge. His Aunt Petunia Dursley was there to step in and defend her nephew. The former Minster was seen the next day dressed in a muggle cheerleader costume doing a dance routine. He was also seen porting two black eyes and a busted lip when he slapped Mrs. Dursley. The newly appointed Head Mistress of Hogwarts had this to say.

"The next person that lays a hand on my nephew will learn that you do not mess with me or my family," she exclaimed. "We are here to teach the children, not to abuse them. From this day forward a whole new way of discipline will be enforced. Any parent who doesn't like it can withdraw their child from the school immediately. I will not tolerate bigotry in the school. Professors such as Albus Dumbledore and Voldiespots/Quirrel will no longer be allowed to teach the students. Hide and go seek will no longer be a subject that is taught at Hogwarts."

Minerva McGonagall and Filius Flitwick were among the first professors to give their full support of the new appointments. Parents such as Lucius Malfoy, was not pleased with the situation, but was unable to comment due to being in St Mungos receiving shock treatment.

Rita Skeeter

Reporter

Very few people were in the mood to dispute the fact that a muggle had just taken over the school. Many feared for their skin after viewing what Petunia had done to Draco Malfoy the day before. Draco went to open his mouth to complain when Petunia shot him a look that shut him up in a flash.

During Transfiguration, Draco had decided to once more try again to get even with Harry. The raccoons they were supposed to be transfiguring all decided that they were going to teach the blond a lesson. When Draco went to hex Harry, all of the animals took off from the students and started to bite and scratch the blond boy. Minerva let this go on for a few moments before she had Harry call off the attackers. When he had done this, Draco lay there on the floor covered in blood, feces, and urine. She dismissed him from class stating that he was no longer welcome in the class and that he would have to repeat the class the following year.

It was during lunch that Dumbledore decided to try again. He was arguing with Petunia in the entry way to the castle.

"You nephew is an abomination," said the old wizard. "He needs to be locked up for our safety. Harry Potter is a danger to himself and others."

As he said the words Harry Potter, he farted and the wind from the fart blew over no less than sixty four trees in the Forbidden Forest. Hagrid walked over and proceeded to beat Dumbledore unconscious as his house was in line with the fart and had been ruined. From there, Lady Hogwarts decided to get some revenge herself and had the old wizard strung upside down on the wall. The words "Harry Potter rules" were painted on his chest in bright pink. Later that afternoon, Filch was seen using a cat o nine tails on the old wizard. Whenever Filch needed a break, one of the house elves took over.

Christmas came and went and the occupants of the castle were starting to get into their new routines. It was not long before spring time came and the last quidditch match of the season took place. Harry was the referee of this match while Rolanda watched. Gryffindor was playing against Slytherin. The match went on for awhile with Harry calling fair plays and penalties as he saw them. Marcus Flint went near him with a beaters bat on the pretense of hitting a bludger. He missed Harry all the way around and knocked himself unconscious with the bat.

"Penalty to Gryffindor for an attempt of hitting the referee with a beater bat," said Harry. "Chaser Marcus Flint is now exempt from this game."

Gryffindor flattened Slytherin. The ending score was four hundred and twenty to ten. Gryffindor had won the quidditch cup.

Petunia smiled at her nephew and congratulated him on his fairness in the match. Minerva was smiling also.

AUTHOR'S NOTE – I will stop right here as next chapter will be the end of first year. I am going to start the chapter following it with book two in the series. Thanks for the reviews. This chapter is not as funny as the previous ones, but I tried.


	7. The New Head Mistress

DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will see kind of off, and it probably will be. For those of you that are enjoying this story, it just means that you are just as twisted and warped as I am.

**NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. PLEASE NOTE that if I have not responded to your review, it is either an accident for not seeing it in the story and author alerts or that you sent it anonymously or I am unable to answer it. I take pride in answering each and every review, but every once in awhile I will miss one.**

**Chapter 7 – The New Head Mistress**

The days went by quickly. Albus and Voldemort were still in the castle, but were unable to do much. Petunia was sitting at her desk looking over some reports when the door opened and a man stepped in.

"Hi my name is Jeff Graham," said the man extending his hand. "Minerva McGonagall told me that you are interested in suing Cornelius Fudge for his attempt at manhandling your nephew as well as attempting to cause harm to him."

A huge fart sounded throughout the castle and Petunia picked up an aerosol can of spray and sprayed the area between her and the door of the office. She opened the window and looked outside and to her astonishment the Cerberus that was usually out playing with Harry was passed out cold in the yard. Moments later the enhanced voice of Minerva McGonagall sounded throughout the castle.

"ALBUS DUMBLEDORE," she said cracking a bullwhip. "What have I told you about attempting to bother Lord Potter? He was out here playing with Fluffy and you have the audacity to attempt to sneak up on him and try to hit him with a hex."

"I haven't done anything to the boy," screamed Dumbledore. "You nasty old besom I really wish you would stop screaming at me and stay the fuck out of my business. What I do to Harry Potter is no business of your own. I will do what I want when I want. I am Albus Dumbledore."

Petunia and the lawyer looked on as the giant squid was thrown out of the lake and a tidal wave washed out of the lake and destroyed Hagrid's new hut. Three dragons fell out of the sky and were not seen to be moving again for some time. Hagrid came out of his hut and grabbed Dumbledore around his throat and proceeded to strangle him. Filius, Pomona, Poppy, Minerva, and Harry were all trying to get him to let the old wizard go.

"I will bloody kill him," yelled Hagrid. "Fluffy is hurt. Three dragons are hurt and the water from the lake is currently everywhere it isn't supposed to be. How in the bloody hell are the merpeople supposed to live. That is not counting the fact that this old bastard has destroyed another of my houses."

"Call down Hagrid," said Harry. "I can use my Aguamenti Charm to refill the lake. It will take a little while and I see some of the water rushing back into the lake as we speak."

Harry cast his water charm and once more it was so powerful that he was lifted off his feet and ended up being thrown into the room with Petunia and the lawyer.

"Hello Aunt Petunia," said Harry as he stood up and raced out of the room. "Don't worry. I have all of this under control."

"Are you telling me that Lord Potter is the one that is handling most of the unpleasantness here in this school?" asked Jeff. "That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard of. Why isn't the Head Master, who is the supposed Leader of the Light, doing anything?"

"Harry has to convince the castle to not kill Albus, Voldienarks, and Draco Malfoy quite often," said Petunia. "I swear that the three of them have a death wish. I found out that Dumbledore placed the Sorcerer's Stone here in the castle and is attempting to get Harry into the trap of going to get it before the Dark Lord."

"Why would it even be here in the castle to start off with?" asked Jeff confused. "This is a school not a safe house for dangerous objects. Plus that stone belongs to Nicholas Flamel."

"It is destroyed," said Petunia. "Harry went and got it for me with the help of Miss Granger and Mr. Diggory. We used Albus' head to break it. We no longer have to worry about it. To answer your other question, Dumbledore is more interested in trying to get his hands on the Potter family fortune than to run a school. Because he has been here for so long, we are unable to get rid of him for now."

"What do you mean?" asked the lawyer confused. "How did you use Albus Dumbledore's head? I think I am missing something somewhere."

"We placed the stone on the desk and I grabbed Dumbledore's head and slammed it repeatedly on the stone until it broke," said Petunia. "Now we no longer have to worry about the stone anymore. Poppy left him unconscious for a few days so that he was out of our hair."

"I see," said the lawyer in awe. "Remind me to never get on your bad side. Now what are you wanting to do about the former Minister for Magic?"

"I want to sue him for at least five million galleons," said Petunia. "From there I want you to sue Lucius Malfoy. After that I want a divorce from my husband. Tell him he can have Grunnings as long as he doesn't try to take anything else from me. Oh, I guess he can have the house also. If he decides to keep the house, he has to keep Dudley."

Jeff was making many notations. He was nodding his head at the instructions. He was still wondering about the events happening around the castle.

"What is the reason for suing the Malfoys," he asked.

"I had to wash my eyes out with loads of soap and water causing an infection when he did a split in a muggle female cheerleader's outfit and exposed his personals to me," she replied. "I think I am going to be scarred for life for that one. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed. Trust me when I tell you that since I have been here I have seen some pretty nasty things. Plus he is trying to get my nephew expelled from Hogwarts. The castle is preventing that, but I am not taking any chances. We also know that he is a supporter of Voldiepots. Sue him for fifty million galleons."

"Such as," prompted the lawyer. "Tell me some of the things happening around here. You have my curiosity peaked."

"Where to begin," she said. "I guess with all the damage done by Dumbledore with his atrocious gas is a start. Every time that he says my nephew's name, he passes gas and destroys part of the castle or damages creatures or students. Day before yesterday, Harry was in History of Magic and Dumbledore decided he wanted to get into the class and cause trouble. He called Harry by name and ended up exorcising the ghost that teaches the class. We had to get a substitute teacher for the class. Thank goodness that Madam Longbottom came in. Next would be the fight he lost in the Great Hall when he and his robes got into a wrestling match and we watched as the robes put him in the sleeper hold and then hung him by his genitals from the ceiling. I did not think a man's scrotum could stretch that far. I also watched Draco Malfoy get his dues."

"What happened to the young Mr. Malfoy?" asked the lawyer pulling out a handkerchief and wiping his eyes.

"Well I was passing the loo the other day and he was yelling at Miss Granger," she explained. "What he was doing in the girl's loo I have no idea. Anyway he went to hex her and the toilet flew up and ate him. It took us four hours to find him."

"Where did he end up?" asked Jeff taking a deep breath.

"He was unceremoniously crammed into the cesspool," said Petunia. "Had he not woke up and started screaming, we would never have found him. It took us three days to rid him of the smell. No one in the castle wants to sit near him. His hair is kind of a shitty green color now."

"Oh sweet Merlin," wheezed Jeff. "This is the funniest shit I have heard in a long time."

"Well the other day I caught Voldismores trying to set himself on fire," said Petunia. "I had to get Severus to cast a charm on him to keep the flames from igniting. When he couldn't set himself on fire, he went to the potions lab and tried to blow the place up."

"Obviously he didn't succeed," said Jeff picturing it in his minds eye.

"Of course he succeeded," said Petunia. "It took Minerva and Filius four hours to shrink the castle back to its original size."

"Oh wow," said Jeff in amazement. "I thought when you said blow the castle up you meant destroy it."

"That is what he was after," said Petunia. "He said his spell wrong and instead of blowing it to smithereens he just blew it up like a balloon. The stupid old git said the spell wrong. We are trying to figure out how to get him out of the castle. Every time that I beat his ass and get him out of the castle, Dumbledore lets him back in."

"Well I will get on this paperwork right away," said Jeff. "I will inform you of when I get each piece done. Are you going to go after anyone else at this time?"

"Yes," she said. "Not with a lawyer though. When I have had enough I will beat the daylights out of Voldieguts and Dumbledick. They are both on my nerves. Oh, one last thing, I need you to check with the goblins and make double sure that Dumbledumb can not get into my nephew's vaults. I would hate to have to break his leg again."

"Again?" asked an astonished lawyer.

"Yes," she said. "I beat the hell out of him with his own leg."

"Did anyone try and stop you?" he asked with wide eyes.

"No," she replied. "They took bets on how long it would be before he passed out from the pain."

"Aunt Petunia," called Harry from the grounds to the open window. "You better get down here soon and with Professor McGonagall. Fluffy is using Draco as a chew toy and he is digging a hole to bury him in. I can't seem to talk him out of it. Hagrid is refusing to stop him as it was his class that Draco caused problems in."

"Shit," said Petunia before she headed out of the room with Jeff. "You had better come with me and help. Minerva's classroom is on the way. We should be able to get the dog backed off."

"Doesn't Dumbledore have a phoenix?" asked Jeff suddenly.

"Not anymore," said Petunia. "The last time the old fool tried something with Harry he passed gas and the bird went into a burning day and never recovered. We are looking into seeing if there is such a thing as shock therapy treatment for magical animals. So far we haven't found anything."

"So what is happening with Fawkes?" asked Jeff in amazement.

"The poor bird has been barking like a dog and setting fire to anything that looks like an old wizard," she answered. "So far he has burnt down three houses and four people are in St Mungo's for third degree burns. We have not figured out yet what to do about the situation. So far, Severus and Minerva created a lifelike statue of Dumbledore and let the phoenix burn it to a crisp each day."

"Good thinking," said Jeff as he and Petunia joined Minerva in rushing to the yard.

"Hagrid," said Petunia. "You have to help us get the Malfoy twit away from Fluffy. We don't want you getting into trouble for letting your pet try and eat him."

"I won't let him eat that ponce," snapped Hagrid. "My poor dog would get heartburn. Right now I am not worried about Fluffy. It seems that Hedwig and Spook are taking their turn at him. Harry is crying over there by that tree as the three animals are doing their best to strangle Malfoy."

Petunia walked over to Fluffy who was guarding the scene from anyone approaching. Petunia raised her fist and looked at the giant dog. Fluffy put his tail between his legs and took off to hide behind Harry. When the dog left, they could see the owl dive bombing the boy while the cat was shredding the skin on his back and legs.

"THAT IS ENOUGH," yelled Petunia. "What in the hell happened this time Malfoy? You better tell me the truth or else."

"I slapped Hermione and blamed it on Harry," said a pale and bleeding Draco. "When he went to defend himself, I hit him with a stinging hex. When he started to cry I laughed at him and that is when the animals started to go crazy."

"Hagrid, is this what actually happened?" asked Petunia. "Did he really do all of that?"

"Plus he insulted the hippogriff," said Hagrid. "I am through telling him about not paying attention in class. I don't want him in my class anymore."

"Done," said Petunia. "Now I have to decide what type of punishment to give to you Mr. Malfoy. Points and detentions not longer work. So I guess in this case I can only say one thing. Hedwig and Spook continue as you were."

Soon the screams were sounding again as the owl and cat resumed their torture of the young blonde who was in the dug hole and couldn't escape.

"Where is Draco's wand?" asked Minerva.

"You really don't want to know," sobbed harry while Petunia tried to calm him down.

It was not long after when the school year finished. The students were packing the rest of their belongings before they descended to the Great Hall for their final meal.

"I have the pleasure of announcing this year's House Cup Award," said Petunia. "After speaking with all of the other professors, we have a few other awards to give out as well. In last place with negative three thousand fifty points is Hufflepuff House. In third place, with three hundred and fifty four points is Slytherin House. In second place, with four hundred and ten points is Gryffindor House. That means our winner with five hundred and ten points is Ravenclaw House. Congratulations to the Eagles for all of their hard work."

The Eagles were busy congratulating themselves. They had not won a house cup since the time of Rowena herself. When the applause died out a bit, Petunia continued.

"We have reviewed all of the scores of all of the years," she said. "This year, we have to award two special students. Harry Potter has the highest score in the school for the young men and Hermione Granger has the highest score in the school for the young ladies. Therefore we are awarding both students with a trophy for their academics."

Both youngsters were red in the face as they stood up and received their trophy. When the applause died out, they all sat and waited.

"We have one more award to give out for a job well done," said Petunia. "This student has earned the most points out of each student in the entire school. Not only did he earn the most points, but that was even while it was being divided between all four houses. Therefore, we award Harry Potter another trophy for the most points earned in a single school year."

The applause sounded just as loud as before. Harry was loved by all four houses for his hard work and dedication. He was red in the face again as he received his second award of the evening. He shook hands with all four Heads of House and then sat down. Dumbledore went to interrupt the proceedings and was quickly jumped on by twenty five house elves and three sets of robes.

"We have one student who deserves a special type of award in this school," said Petunia when Dumbledore was dragged away. "He has helped the staff when they needed it in defending the students from the harm that could have befouled them. Of course, I am talking once more about Harry Potter."

Harry smiled as he received yet another award for his services to the school. When the applause died out, he waited to see what happened next.

"One last award and we can eat our last meal together," said Petunia. "This year, there was one student who was the stupidest person around. Not only did he lose the most points, but he lost the most dignity and the most respect. This year we are going to award Draco Malfoy with the Biggest Douche Award. Please let it be known that you disapprove of his actions."

The entire Great Hall erupted in laughter and jibes aimed at the Malfoy heir.

From there, Petunia dismissed them and let them finish what they were doing. Hours later, the students were sitting on the train and were heading back for London. As Harry, Hermione, Neville, Cedric, and Susan were sitting there, the door opened and Draco Malfoy was standing there with fury in his eyes.

"There is no one here to protect you now," he sneered. "There is no castle and no professor to defend you. That bitch that is your Aunt isn't here to save you either."

"That doesn't mean that I am without defenses," said Harry. "I am not scared of you. Do your best, because even then it will not be anywhere near my level of intelligence and maturity. Do yourself a favor and leave while you are still able to walk on two legs."

Draco pulled out his wand and was about to cast his first spell when Harry waved him away. The next thing anyone knew, there was a screaming noise coming from behind the train. Harry and Cedric looked out and saw that Draco was being pulled along like a kite on a string.

"What is going on here?" asked Percy. "Why is Malfoy outside the train?"

"He was being his usual self," said Cedric. "He threatened and then tried to hex Harry. You know what happens when someone tries that."

"Say no more," said Percy. "I understand completely. I will see you all later."

With that, the Weasley prefect left them to finish his rounds on the train. Later that afternoon, Ronald decided to have one more go at Harry.

"Potter," said the red head. "My mum says that you have to give us some money. Therefore you better give it to us or else I am going to be forced to make you. My mum says that we deserve the money more than you do."

"If I give you some money, will you swear on your magic that you will not ask me for any more?" asked Harry seriously. "If you do that, then I will give you some money."

"I swear on my magic that if you give me some money then I will no longer bother you about it," said Ron pulling out his wand and smiling.

The glow that came from his wand surrounded him as the magic did its part. Harry reached into his pocket and pulled out a bronze knut and handed it to Ron.

"There you go Ron," said Harry smirking. "I have lived up to my end of the bargain and have given you some money. Now go away and never darken my step again. The next time might just cost you your magic."

"What are you playing at?" yelled Ron. "We have a magically binding contract. You swore to give me some money if I left you alone after that. This is not money. I demand that you live up to your end of the bargain."

"It is NOT my fault that you are an idiot," said Harry. "I lived up to my part of the contract. I gave you money. I just never mentioned how much and you were too stupid to bother asking for a certain amount. Now you have what you want and I got what I want. Now go away."

Harry pulled out his wand and within seconds, Ron was flying right along side of Draco. The others in the compartment were howling with laughter. They could not believe that Harry was able to pull off such a stunt and get away with it. They could also not believe that Ronald was that stupid.

"So what are you all going to do for the summer?" asked Harry. "I am going to stay with Aunt Petunia for a couple of weeks and then I am going back to Hogwarts. Professors McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, and Snape want me to come back for some advanced lessons. Due to my grades, they feel that I can handle the slightly harder stuff. Aunt Petunia knows that I will be safe as long as I am within the castle and with those four. Plus Dumbledore can't get into the common room that was set up for the heirs. She told me that she has a surprise for me for my birthday."

The others all spoke about what they were going to do with their summer. When the train stopped and the students all got off the train, Harry slung his bag over his shoulder as he didn't have that much to take home with him. He was about to walk out of the barrier when he heard Narcissa Malfoy and Molly Weasley all screaming behind him. Hermione and Cedric stopped with him as Susan and Neville ran to get their parents. Petunia and the Grangers came in on the run. As they were rushing up, they could see both women screaming and pointing at Harry.

"How dare you do that to my son?" screamed Narcissa. "You have no right to do that to anyone. When the Minister of Magic hears about this, your wand will be snapped and you will be sent to the muggle world for good. You will lose all of your money and your prestige and titles and everything."

Petunia Dursley and Jean and Dan Granger looked behind the screaming women and saw a Popsicle Draco and another in the form of Ronald.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER," yelled Molly causing everyone to jump at the volume of her voice. "What have you done to my child? How dare you do that to him?"

"He was threatening me," defended harry. "Am I to let him hex me and not defend myself? How was I to know that he was going to be with Draco behind the train rather than in it? I would really appreciate you not yelling at me. You are hurting my ears. As far as I am concerned I was just defending myself. Your son decided that he wanted to break a magical binding contract. Would you rather him frozen for a bit and still alive with his magic or would you like him to be aggravating, stupid, and without his magic."

"Mrs. Weasley," said Petunia walking up. "I would appreciate it if you would stand back and get out of my nephew's face. The same goes for you, Mrs. Malfoy. I am not sure quite what happened, but you can bet that if your sons are in the predicament that they are in, then they deserved what they got. Harry is not known for being vengeful nor is he one to maliciously hurt anyone."

"Shut up you bitch," snapped Molly. "I am going to take this child over my knee and teach him some manners about speaking that way to his elders."

"You are going to do what?" asked Petunia taking off her coat and handing it to Jean Granger. "Did you just threaten to harm my nephew? Did you just threaten to hurt the Potter heir? Did you just call me a bitch? Are you out of your damn mind? Do you know who in the hell you are talking to?"

Molly swung her hand at Petunia. The next thing she knew, she was on the ground with Petunia slapping her repeatedly. Narcissa was about to join in when Jean Granger handed Petunia's coat to her husband and jumped on the pureblood witch. Harry's eyes widened when the next thing he knew, there was a wrestling ring that appeared from nowhere. Minerva, Remus, and Severus were in the audience and were watching the scene with interest.

"I think I can enjoy this," said Minerva conjuring chairs for everyone. "I bet fifty galleons that Petunia and Jean will win."

"Do you think any of us is stupid enough to bet against that?" asked Severus sitting next to her. "Do you not remember what she did to Cornelius? His face didn't work for weeks after she was done with him."

Soon the four women were rolling around wrestling. Petunia had Molly in a chin lock and Jean raced and bounced off the ropes and hit her in the chest with her feet. Narcissa shrieked as Molly's face hit the mat. She climbed to the top rope and made to jump on Jean from behind. She missed and landed squarely on Molly. Jean grabbed Narcissa by the hair while Petunia grabbed Molly. Soon the music started and the sounds of Bang Your Head by Quiet Riot echoed through the platform. Every time the words said 'Bang your Head', both muggle women would slam the two pureblood's heads together. Soon Molly and Narcissa were unconscious on the mat. Hagrid watched as Petunia lifted up Narcissa and dropped her on top of Molly. Both she and Jean placed a foot on the two witches and Hagrid tapped to three declaring them the winners of the fight. Amelia Bones, the current Minister of Magic, waved her wand and conjured two belts. Petunia and Jean were awarded the tag team champions.

Later that evening, Petunia and Harry were sitting around the table at Privet Drive with Minerva when the lawyer came in. He had the papers all signed and her divorce was final. The women all packed up her and Harry's belonging and then assisted them in returning to Hogsmeade. Between Harry and Petunia, they bought a house in the village and stayed near the castle. Two weeks later, Harry was back at the castle and was reading through the books his professors gave him. Albus ran by screaming as a pair of robes was once again chasing him around the castle. Voldemort was on the Astronomy Tower crowing like a rooster. Harry sighed. Some things would never change. The last thing that happened before he went to bed that evening was hearing a loud fart.

The next day Petunia came to the castle and searched for Dumbledore. When she found him, she wrapped her arms around his neck and started to beat the living hell out of him.

"Petunia?" asked Minerva. "Why are you beating the shit out of Dumbledore? What has he done this time? Harry has not mentioned that he has done him anything."

"Half of Hogsmeade is destroyed thanks to his latest theory that my nephew is the source of all his problems," she said. "My brand new house was leveled in the earthquake that it caused. I am here to extract some revenge. Even when we get the house rebuilt, it will take forever to get the smell out of the area."

"Say no more," said Minerva and she left while Albus pleaded with her to save him.

AUTHOR'S NOTE – I will stat with the second book beginning next chapter. I hope that you got a couple of chuckles out of this chapter.


	8. And Still It Keeps Coming

DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

NOTE – You guys are AWESOME. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will see kind of off, and it probably will be. For those of you that are enjoying this story, it just means that you are just as twisted and warped as I am.

**NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. PLEASE NOTE that if I have not responded to your review, it is either an accident for not seeing it in the story and author alerts or that you sent it anonymously or I am unable to answer it. I take pride in answering each and every review, but every once in awhile I will miss one.**

**Chapter 8 – And It Still Keeps Coming**

The summer started off great for Harry. He went back and forth daily to the school to study with the four Heads of House. He was so far advanced that they considered having him skip a year. He was enjoying himself despite the fact that the strange happenings around the school were still going on.

One day Harry approached Minerva.

"How is it possible that Professor Dumbledore is even able to sleep at night?" he asked with a curious look on his face as Albus ran by with the robes trailing behind him. "It would seem to me that the robes are keeping him so occupied that he is unable to do anything for the school or for himself."

"Look at it this way," said Minerva kindly. "At least as long as he is running from his robes he is not concentrating on getting into your family vaults. The more that his clothes beats the hell out of him, the less time he has to scheme against you for whatever reason."

"Why is he so interested in getting into my vaults?" he asked politely. "From what I am to understand, he is rich all on his own. His work within the magical community has made him a wealthy man. It is not like he needs the money after all. He has a job that will cushion him for the rest of his life provided he actually does it and leaves me alone. Something tells me that if he doesn't quit soon he won't make it to his next birthday."

"I actually agree with you there," she replied thoughtfully. "We do not know why he wants into your vaults so bad. Perhaps he isn't after money as much as he is after an object. Have you even looked in the vaults yet?"

"No," admitted Harry. "We were going to wait until I was fifteen to go and see what is in the vaults. We received a letter the other day stating that my share of the vaults of the four founders has been added to my original vaults and the portion is so much that they had to open another vault to fit it all. I think that means I have a total of seven vaults now not including my trust fund."

"That would make sense," said Minerva as Albus ran by being chased by Voldemort and a set of robes and all four ninja sumo wrestlers. "Four from James, two from Lily, and one more added for the wealth received by the four founders. I am glad that you and your Aunt live so close by. I really enjoy working with you."

"How did Professor Dumbledore get appointed back as Head Master?" asked Harry as Dumbledore was finally tackled and molested in the hallway by the pursuers. "I thought that when Aunt Petunia beat the stuffing out of him that she would stay on as Head Mistress."

"We wanted her to stay," admitted Minerva as Fluffy took his turn at Dumbledore. "However, the rules state that a witch or wizard is the only ones allowed to be the Head Master or Mistress of the school. I turned down the position as it will be easier to help you as a teacher rather than the Head Mistress. You do realize that in your studies you are at a third year level. I am afraid that this year will be a bit boring for you. We will gather next summer and see about letting you skip a grade. Miss Granger should be able to join you. She has been visited by one of us every day as well. We should have had her come to the castle, but being a muggleborn, it would have been hard on her parents."

"Fluffy," called Harry. "Please get off of Professor Dumbledore. Hedwig, Spook, and Venom all want to ride and we have to get back to Aunt Petunia."

The Cerberus looked at Harry and ran to him happily. The other three animals climbed on and perched on the giant dog. Harry hugged Minerva and then exited the castle. As he was leaving he waved to Pomona and Severus who waved back. Filius and Hagrid were talking by Hagrid's new hut and Harry smiled as the duo waved to him as he passed. Harry was a deeply loved child. He was smart, well mannered, generous, and compassionate. Even hard ass Severus had finally grown fond of the child. Of course it was still in the back of his mind that if he harmed Harry again that Petunia would come back to the school and make sure he had a sex change without magic or instruments. However, as he got to know the boy he realized that Harry was just like Lily with a hint of the flare that James had. In the end, he agreed to work with Harry on more advanced potions and had the delight to see that the boy learned everything like a sponge that soaked up water.

Harry entered Hogsmeade and Petunia smiled when he and his circus of animals entered the house.

"Your Hogwarts letter arrived today," she said. "Minerva and the group want you to buy your normal second year books, but they also want you to buy third year text books as well. They think that they can work with you on higher status than the rest of the class. So make sure that you get all of your supplies. You can either buy them here in Hogsmeade, or I can take you to Diagon Alley."

"I would prefer to go to Diagon Alley please," said Harry politely. "That way I can get some money out of my trust fund. I need some new robes. My old ones are at least a couple of inches to short. Plus I want to get some extra reading material. Flourish and Blotts have a wider selection of books. Professor Snape wants me to get a better potions kit as well. He says that I am ready for fourth year potions."

The two of them were sitting outside on the porch when Albus ran by with a herd of centaurs chasing him. Voldemort ran by a few moments later with a herd of hippogriffs chasing him. Petunia and Harry both sighed heavily and then ignored them.

"We shall go tomorrow to get all of your stuff then," said Petunia over the screams of Dumbledore. "We can make a day of it."

The next day, they took the Knight Bus to Diagon Alley. From there, they did all of their shopping. They entered Flourish and Blotts and saw that there was a line of wizards and witches in the store. Harry looked down at his list and noticed that most of the second year curriculum was written by Gilderoy Lockhart. Harry sighed as he located and gathered all of his second year school books. He also grabbed al the books for third year and then some extras for personal study on the side. Someone bumped into him and he turned to the photographer.

"Can it be?" asked Gilderoy. "Harry Potter is here at my book signing. We shall make the front page together."

"I don't want to be on the front page," said Harry pulling back. "I am going to ask that you please let go of my arm. I do not know you and I do not appreciate you grabbing and manhandling me that way."

"Nonsense Harry," said Gilderoy. "I am going to be the new DADA Professor at Hogwarts and together you and I will be head liners. Now come here so that we can get our picture taken together."

The photographer went to snap the picture when he was grabbed from behind by Petunia and slammed to the floor. From there she approached Gilderoy and grabbed him by his hair. After slamming his head against the table a few times, she let him slump into a disheveled heap on the floor. He looked dazed as cameras were going off.

"My name is Petunia Dursley," she said. "I am the Heavy Weight Wrestling Champion of the wizarding world. My nephew asked you very politely to let go of him and you insisted on ignoring his request. This is my one and only warning to you. If you touch one more student I will break you in half after I turn you into a human pretzel. My tag team partner Jean Granger is over there cracking her knuckles. It is against the law in the muggle world to manhandle a child that isn't yours. Do NOT put your hands on my nephew again."

"YOU MUGGLE BITCH," snapped Molly Weasley coming up and dropping her books. "I owe you one severer beating. When I am done with you I will make you regret you were ever born or ever entered the wizarding world. I am going to hex you into oblivion and then I am going to rake your nephew over the coals."

Molly pulled out her wand and was about to hex Petunia when Jean grabbed her from behind. The photographers were having a field day as a wrestling ring appeared in the middle of the store. Jean was grabbed from behind by Narcissa Malfoy just as Petunia's right hook connected with Gilderoy Lockhart. With a snarl, Petunia turned around and faced the Malfoy woman.

"You made me miss," snapped Petunia. "I didn't mean to hit this helpless ass wipe. Now thanks to you he is unconscious on the floor. Just for that I will make you regret coming into the shop today."

Soon a bell sounded and the four women started to wrestle again. Hagrid sighed as he made his way to the ring to officiate the match. Hermione, Cedric, Ginny, Luna, and a few others were busy trying to console a sobbing Harry. As they were watching the match the strangest thing happened. Three midgets dressed in funny clothes walked into the ring. They started singing something about a lollypop guild, and then proceeded to beat the hell out of Molly and Narcissa with their lollypops, while singing Ding Dong the Witch is dead. Lucius was standing near the front door. Draco was standing on the landing watching what was happening.

"I bet you enjoyed that Potter," snapped Draco. "This year will be different. My Father has been teaching me some new spells and such and I will teach you a lesson this year about what it means to respect your betters."

"Oh Please," said Luna Lovegood introducing herself to the group. "You are talking to Lord Potter. He has more money in one of his vaults than you do in all of your vaults combined. Not to mention that Harry Potter is the heir of all four founders of Hogwarts and he is the Head of House for both the Evans and Potter lines. From what my father was able to find out, Harry owns the castle in which you go to school. So if anyone is the better here it is Harry and you are just dog shit on his shoe."

"What is this Potty?" asked Draco. "You have a girlfriend? Looney Lovegood is your girlfriend? How ironic that is. You don't even know who this dingbat is and you are already pulling her on your band wagon. Well I have news for you Potty. I will get you this year."

Harry waved his arm angrily at Draco and had the awe of seeing the blond boy shoot out of the store like a bullet from a gun. He landed some fifteen miles away in the elephant display at the zoo. He was cushioned from breaking his neck by landing in a big pile of elephant shit. He was about to get up when he noticed that people were standing there pointing and laughing at him. An angry keeper came out of his office and dragged Draco off by his ear.

Meanwhile back at the store, Lucius was tormenting Ginny Weasley.

"Such a poor disgrace for a family," said Lucius. "It is too bad that your family has more children than sense. Then they would have known to not have more than one or two at the most. Now they can not afford books for the family."

"Do shut up Mr. Malfoy," snapped Harry while the rest of the group all nodded. "They may not have as much money as you do and their mother might be a little bit nuts, but they love each other. At least none of their children is so spoiled that their own cauldron tries to drown them. I will be buying all of their school books this year just to show you that money isn't everything. Now leave us alone before someone drops a house on you as well."

"YOU will meet the same ending as your parents, boy," snapped Lucius. "They were fools as well."

"Oh you mean by the lunatic that you call Voldisnarks?" asked Harry causing everyone in the vicinity to laugh. "Right now he is being molested by a herd of rampaging hippogriffs in Hogsmeade. Therefore, I am worried less about him than I am of getting something less than an E in my studies. Now unless you want to join your wife in the ring and have my Aunt beat the hell out of you, I suggest that you back off and leave us alone. The next time that you speak that way about my parents, I will sue you for slander and pain and suffering."

"Why don't you do it now?" said Jeff. "I overheard everything that transpired. I would be glad to take pensieve memories from you all and get the case going. We can have this wrapped up in three days. How much money would you like?"

"Ten million galleons per parent," said Harry thoughtfully. "Then add another ten million for my pain and suffering."

"Oh Goody," said Jeff skipping out of the store. "Lord Potter will make me one rich individual."

"Is that lawyer a bit off to you?" asked Hermione in awe as Lucius pissed in his pants and then ran out of the store. "He seems too happy to sue Malfoy and anyone that you want him to."

"He has won the last two lawsuits that we hired him for," said Harry nodding. "He won the case against Fudge and Malfoy already. Another lawsuit against the Malfoys is not only getting him prestige and fame, but loads of gold."

"Well," said Ginny. "I think we can safely ask him to sue the Malfoys for us as well. Thank you for sticking up for us Harry. It was a very nice thing for you to do."

Percy, Fred, and George all agreed with him. Ron just looked annoyed at him and stomped off. Harry turned and asked the store clerk to charge him for all of the Weasley's books. When Harry signed the ticket, he grinned at everyone. Right about that time, Petunia did a running bulldog pile driver and knocked Narcissa Malfoy out cold. Jean covered her and Hagrid tapped three times signaling the end of the match. Gilderoy made a disparaging remark about stupid women and their mood when all four women jumped on him and beat him to within an inch of his life.

Later that day, the four women were seen buying things in the alley. Harry raised an eyebrow at his Aunt who shrugged her shoulders.

"We decided that we have a new target," said Petunia. "Arthur told us what you did for Molly's children and that you have the lawyer suing Lucius for both yourself and for the Weasleys. Narcissa is not worried as she has her own vaults and it will not be affected by her husband or son."

"We are the new warriors of the wizarding world," said Molly. "We are going to bring order and justice back to our community."

"Ok," said Harry. With that, the students all said their goodbyes and then went off with their respected parents or guardians.

"I wonder where Draco ended up," mused Harry after telling Petunia what transpired. "Oh well, he is not my problem. Where ever he ended up, he is probably getting an earful from someone. I don't think I am going to like Professor Lockhart. We were scanning some of his works and we don't think he is for real. We are going to study his books and see if there is some sort of pattern involved."

They arrived back in Hogsmeade and Harry immediately began to read his books. Soon he was bored with what he was reading in Lockhart's books and switched to the books that the other professors wanted him to study. The days passed very quickly and soon Harry's birthday was upon them. Petunia had a party in Hogsmeade for him. The Weasleys, Narcissa, the Grangers, Diggorys, and the professors at the school all attended the party. There was much food and many gifts for Harry. There were a couple of odd packages. One was from Dumbledore and one was from Voldemort. Minerva and Severus discretely got rid of both packages as they were not anything that would appease or be healthy for a twelve year old boy. After the party was over with, Harry pulled Severus to the side for a private conversation.

"Professor," he said quietly and privately. "I have read most of Lockhart's books and I don't think I am going to learn anything useful this year in DADA. Is it possible to get private lessons with you this year?"

"That is probably a good idea," replied Severus. "With Lupin not at the castle this year and this obvious fraud working with Dumbledore, you may be on to something. Get your friends together and meet me every Tuesday and Thursday, for extra lessons. We will get you through all of this. Make sure that your friends know to get the same book that we had you get at the beginning of summer. That way they can learn something useful this year."

Harry quickly passed on the information to his friends. Each agreed that it was probably best that Professor Snape taught them extra credit DADA. The party ended up with a fireworks show that evening. Many of the students stayed the night for the slumber party. During the night, a small pop could be heard and Harry was awoken by a house elf standing on his bed.

"Harry Potter Sir," squeaked the elf. "I is Dobby and I is having to tell you something important. Harry Potter sir is not to return to Hogwarts this year."

"Dobby I never left Hogwarts,' said Harry. "I go there every weekday for private lessons in all of my subjects. As the owner of the castle, I can come and go whenever I wish."

"Harry Potter Sir's life is in danger if he is going back," said Dobby. "Dobby is hearing tales of things that will be bad this year."

"Who is your family Dobby?" asked Harry. "As the heir of the four founders, I insist that you tell me."

"Dobby is belonging to the Malfoy family Harry Potter Sir," replied the elf with tears in his eyes. "I is having to punish myself for bringing you this news, but I is not knowing what else to do."

"Are you happy with the Malfoy's?" asked Harry shrewdly. "Because if you aren't, I can see about switching your bond to me and you can be a better elf and a happier one."

"You is doing that for Dobby?" asked the elf. "Dobby is wanting that. You is can do it right now if you is wanting. All you is having to do is say that you is wanting Dobby as your elf and the power of the magic is doing the rest."

"I, Lord Harry James Potter, do hereby want Dobby as my personal house elf," said Harry and watched in satisfaction as the glow surrounded the pair.

"Now that you are my elf, what is going on that has you so worried?" asked Harry as the others were listening.

"Old Master Malfoy is giving something to Mistress Weezy," said Dobby. "It will open the Chamber of Secrets and allow the monster that lives in there to run free in the castle."

"HMMM," said Hermione. "The Chamber is supposedly the hiding spot for Salazar Slytherin. As his heir, you can control the chamber and the monster that is rumored to live in it."

"This is good," said Harry. "What did he give to Ginny and what does it do?"

"The Diary is the key," said Dobby. "Beware the Diary."

"How about we get even with old Lucius?" asked Fred and George together. "We know the perfect prank to pull on the blond git. With the power that Harry has at his beck and call, we can set it up to be very entertaining. Of course we will need Dobby to bring it to the Manor for us. Would you be willing to help us prank the Malfoys?"

"Dobby would love to help the Weezys," he said. "I is knowing how to get in and out of the house. So Dobby can set it in a good spot."

"Great," said Harry. "We can execute the plan tomorrow and get it done before school starts. The lawyer has already informed me that thirty million galleons have been deposited into my account and twenty million has been given to the Weasleys. Now that your family has money, Ron can relax and not be such an ass."

Fred and George snorted. Both knew that it was impossible. The next day, the twins along with the rest of the group all got together and got to work. Within a couple of hours, they were done and it was sent off with Dobby.

"It is time for a good show," said Fred pressing a button on a device that he had in his hands. "You should read something about all of this in the news paper tomorrow."

That day, the friends spent the rest of the day at Hogwarts. They enjoyed learning a few tidbits here and there. As they were sitting in the Great Hall eating lunch, Dumbledore came in and approached the table.

"Harry Potter," he said and stopped as a long fart echoed throughout the castle. Soon Minerva, Severus, Pomona, Poppy, Filius, and Hagrid came rushing in. They were standing there waiting for Albus to finish passing gas. Minerva sat down with the students who had now placed Bubblehead Charms on each other. She glanced down at her watch ten minutes later and realized that Albus was still passing gas. Poppy looked on in awe as after twenty minutes, Voldemort came in and was attempting to shove items up Dumbledore's ass to get him to stop. There was a string of elves there with all sorts of items ranging from cement bricks to soup ladles. One of them even brought in a side of beef. One elf even went so far as to get a cement mixing truck from the muggle world with one hundred workers to fix the gas leak. It was Dobby that had the ingenious idea of throwing Albus into the lake. When they all looked outside it appeared as if there was a Jacuzzi going on in the lake. The sad part was that many passed out merpeople were floating to the top.

Thirty minutes later, the gas subsided and Minerva was busy screaming at Dumbledore. No less than thirteen rockslides and one hundred and twenty two trees died. Minerva was busy giving him and earful.

"What have we told you about approaching him?" she asked. "Do I have to get Petunia over here and teach you another lesson about annoying Harry?"

"I was actually going to ask him if he would consent to being the Quidditch referee again this year," said Albus wearily. "For once I had good intentions in this."

"Bullshit," said Minerva. "You are up to something and I know it. So does everyone else in the castle. Oh dear. You better run. Your robes are back and they don't look happy."

Albus looked over his shoulder and saw no less than twenty sets of his robes coming towards him. Some had knives while others had baseball bats. Some had hammers. A few had pistols. One even had a chainsaw going on. Albus screamed in fright and ran as quickly as he could. Voldemort was giggling in the corner. Minerva rounded on him as soon as she saw this.

"Are you responsible for this?" she asked. "I am not going to tolerate you causing mayhem in this school again this year. I would advise you to buck up your ideas mister and to do it fast. I will not hesitate to put you over my knee and give you a sound whipping."

"I am not afraid of you Minerva McGonagall," said Voldemort. "You are nothing to me. I will do as I please when I want to do it."

"Very well," said Minerva. "Then I shall have no choice but to send for Petunia Dursley. If you won't listen to me then you will have no choice but to listen to her."

Voldemort screamed in panic and fled the room. An hour later he was found holding a teddy bear and whimpering in fright under his bed. Minerva chuckled at her quick thinking.

The next day the Daily Prophet had a huge headline.

**MALFOY MANOR IN RUINS! **

**MALFOY NAME RUN THORUGH THE MUD.**

It has come to our attention that Lucius Malfoy has been belittling other members of the wizarding community for their lack of family members or money or even prestige. In recent events it has been found that Lucius Malfoy has lost three lawsuits to Harry Potter and the Weasley family totaling in the amount of fifty five million galleons. In other news, Malfoy Manor is in total ruin. Apparently, the equivalent of a muggle bomb went off in the manor. What was not blown up is not painted in vulgar colors and lewd pictures. Narcissa Malfoy promptly packed her belongings and moved out. There is still no knowledge of the where about of Draco Malfoy that was seen evicted from Flourish and Blotts the previous month. Lucius was unavailable for comment as he was brought to St Mungo's for another round of shock therapy. All that could be understood from his ramblings was "I am ruined" and "This is all the fault of Harry Potter". As we all know, Harry Potter was in Hogwarts at the time of the bombing and is innocent of all charges. We will update when we have more to say on the matter. However, it does appear that the Malfoy name has just dropped in prestige and power.

Rita Skeeter

Reporter

"Well," said Harry. "It looks like that did the trick. I wonder where Draco is."

"Don't you know where you sent him?" asked a shocked Hermione.

"I have no idea," said Harry. "Maybe I can send a house elf to see if they can locate him. I think I will send Dobby as he knows Draco's magical signature."

"Good thinking Harry," said Cedric as Dobby received his orders and left with a pop.

Soon after, Dobby came back with an impish smile on his face. He bowed to Harry and began his tale.

"Master Harry," said the elf. "Dobby is finding the Malfoy boy. He is currently in the zoo."

"What is he doing there?" asked a confused Harry. "I wonder why his parents have not gone to get him yet or he hasn't summoned the Knight Bus to take him home."

"Young Malfoy is not able to as he is in a cage," said Dobby. "Dobby is seeing him getting monkey shit thrown at him. He is insulting one of the monkeys and they is rubbing his face in a pile of shit."

"I better inform Professor Snape," sighed Harry. "He will be able to go and get Draco out of the zoo. Thank you Dobby."

The next day the Daily Prophet had a field day with its Headline.

**Malfoy Heir is literally Shit Faced!**

In recent events, Draco Malfoy was seen locked in the baboon pin of the London Zoo. Apparently Mr. Malfoy landed there after attempting to accost Lord Potter in Flourish and Blotts. From there he was magically thrown out of the store and landed in the elephant pen at the zoo. When questioned about this, he blamed Lord Potter for sending him there. As punishment for causing the female elephant named Dolly to go into premature labor, Mr. Malfoy was sentenced to three months manual labor. He was accosted in the baboon pen after he was over heard insulting the primates. Pictures were taken of the head baboon rubbing young Malfoy's face in a pile of monkey shit. Rumor has it that the London Zoo will be suing the Malfoy family. Upon hearing this, Narcissa Malfoy filed for an immediate divorce. Lucius Malfoy is still unavailable for comment as he is in his second round of shock treatment. We will update when we know more.

Rita Skeeter

Reporter

At the staff table, Minerva and her colleagues were in stitches. They had been keeping up with the happenings of the Malfoy family. Minerva was seen being given a Calming Draught when a mysterious crack sounded from her laughter. It revealed that she has actually broken a rib due to the hard laughter.

Later that evening, the staff and students were sitting down to dinner in the Great Hall when Dumbledore ran screaming by. Voldemort was following him at a more reduced pace singing the theme song to COPS while swinging a piece of barbed wire fence. No one in the hall was overly surprised by this. In fact the sound of Dumbledore screaming was second nature to most of the staff and student body.

Finally the time for the students to start school happened. Harry opted to ride the train with the others. Cedric was made prefect and he was sitting with the group while chatting amicably. They had a great time, but of course all good things must come to an end. Draco Malfoy stood in the doorway. His hair was missing from his head in some spots. His clothes looked like they had not been washed in a month. Every time someone made a monkey noise, he used the bathroom on himself and ran in fright.

"YOU ARE SO DEAD POTTER," snarled Draco pulling out his wand. "I am going to kill you."

OO OO AH AH," said Harry. It had the desired effect. Draco shit in his pants and took off running screaming. Hermione cast a Scourgify spell and got rid of the mess and the smell. They carried on with their conversation all the way to Hogsmeade. After they got out, Harry patted the thestral fondly and climbed into the carriage. When they got to the school, Albus stood after the sorting ceremony to make his announcements.

"This year we have a new DADA professor," he said. "Please make welcome Gilderoy Lockhart. He will not only be teaching DADA, but he will be starting a dueling club. Lord Potter will still be the referee of the quidditch games this year. Finally we want to welcome the Heir of Rowena Ravenclaw, Miss Luna Lovegood. She will be brought to her rooms by Lord Potter and his group. If anyone has any questions or concerns, it is best that you don't come to me with it. I have problems of my own and will not have time to listen to you."

"What are you going to do about Potty?" asked Draco. "He is a bane of existence. Surely he can't be allowed to continue to do what he is doing."

"Do NOT call me Shirley," said Albus. "My name is Dumbledore. I will not do Harry Potter anything."

Once again the staff sighed as the massive farting sound erupted from Albus. It was so bad that the robes that he was wearing automatically jumped off his body, ran out the front door, and threw themselves in the lake in an attempt to drown them selves. Minerva sighed as she draped the tablecloth over Albus' head to hide him.

"Mr. Malfoy," she snapped. "As you are such a stupid shit head, I only have four words to say to you. OO OO AH AH."

With that Draco shit on himself and then ran from the hall to the laughter of the school. Severus sighed as he cleaned up the mess. Some things will never change.

AUTHOR'S NOTE- I will stop here. I was able to follow a bit more in the story. Now I have the whole second year to work with. Any ideas you would like seen done in the story will be looked at and considered. Thanks in advance for the support and encouragement.


	9. Brainless

**DISCLAIMER** – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

**DISCLAIMER 2** – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

**NOTE** – You guys are **AWESOME**. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will seem kind of off, and it probably will be. For those of you that are enjoying this story, it just means that you are just as twisted and warped as I am. _PLEASE NOTE that there is NO slash in this fic as of yet. There might be some in later chapters, but I am not sure. I am just concentrating on making you laugh rather than a funny story._

**NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. Thank you to all my fabulous readers that are egging me on.**

**Chapter 9 – Brainless**

Harry and his friends were soon falling into a routine. It was not long before DADA became the most hated subject in the school. That was saying plenty as Severus was now favored over Lockhart. The first round of problems occurred in their DADA class. Harry was sitting with Hermione and Neville in the back of the room when Lockhart came into the room wearing florescent green robes. He handed out a sheet of parchment to the class.

"This is a little test to see how well you understood what is written in my books," said Lockhart. "The one who does the best will receive a signed photograph of me. You may all begin."

Harry and Hermione looked at the test and gave a sigh of disgust. Harry cast a quick Gemino Spell on his copy of the test. From there, he and Hermione filled in the answers. Despite not enjoying the books, both students were smart enough to know what was in them. Lockhart called for time and with a wave of his wand, he collected the tests.

"Tut, Tut," said Lockhart. "Only two of you knew that my favorite pair of underwear is pink lace panties. Harry is the only on that remembers that neon yellow is my favorite color. Full marks will be awarded to Harry."

Harry groaned as he received his portrait of Lockhart. When the idiot turned away, he set it on fire with a quick Incendio Spell. Hermione quickly got rid of the burning smell.

"Today we are going to deal with a very dangerous creature," said Lockhart slapping a cage on his desk. "In this class you will face dangers that you have never expected before. Now I am going to remove the cover and I do not want you to scream. If you do, it might provoke them to attack."

With that, he pulled off the cover and there was a cage full or Cornish Pixies. Harry and Hermione snorted in grim amusement. Lockhart took their noise as squeaks of fright.

"Never worry," said Lockhart. "With me around, you will come to no harm. I promise that as long as I am around that you will always be safe. Now I am going to let them loose and we shall see what happens."

With that, he opened the cage and set the pixies loose on the class. The children were looking on with amusement as after a while Lockhart was trying to get them back into the cage. He twiddled his wand a few times and tried a few spells. He ended up hurting one of the pixies by mistake because the whirling wand hit it in the face. The pixie took the wand from Lockhart and threw it out the window. From there, all twenty five pixies went to Harry and Neville and bowed low. Harry immediately knew that this was not going to be good.

"If you must," mumbled Harry in a tired manner. "This is not going to be good. I wonder if we should all leave the class. I don't think I am going to want to see the outcome of this."

With that, the pixies all flew at Lockhart and grabbed him. They flipped him over and lifted the back of his robes. Two pixies had a wooden paddle and were beating the hell out of Lockhart with them. The class was in hysterics when it proved that Lockhart was wearing in pink lacy panties. Lockhart was screaming at the top of his lungs. Harry got up and left the room. He went to Minerva's classroom after dismissing the class and knocked on the door.

"Mr. Potter," she said stopping her lecture. "What are you doing out of class? Surely it is not over with yet."

"His name is not Shirley," screamed Dumbledore as he ran by being chased by Fluffy. Both Harry and Minerva ignored him.

"His name is Rebecca," said Voldemort running by a few seconds later being chased by the ninja sumo wrestlers and twelve suits of armor.

"No ma'am," said Harry ignoring Voldemort. "We have a problem in the DADA classroom and we need someone to come help sort it out. Your class is the closest and I thought you would be willing to come and deal with the situation. I would have handled it myself, but I am only twelve and this requires an adult."

"What is going on?" asked Minerva dismissing her class and following Harry out. "Is anyone in danger or hurt?"

"Professor Lockhart let a cage of Cornish Pixies loose and they are trying to kill him I think," said Harry. "So far they were spanking him when we left. A couple of the others found some umm, adult toys and were waiting their turn. I have dismissed the class as I felt that we did not see this. I have Hermione guarding his door so that no one goes in except another professor. So to answer your question, I would say that Professor Lockhart is both in danger and by now probably hurt."

"Twenty points to you for your timely actions," said Minerva. "That was the right thing to do. What is that noise?"

"That is Professor Lockhart screaming," said Hermione as she saw them approach. "At the last time I peeked into the room, the pixies were shoving a strange item at the professor."

"What type of item?" Minerva asked, looking a little alarmed.

"I am not sure," said Hermione. "What ever it was is hooked to a car battery. I have heard a few shocks coming from inside. I am too embarrassed to tell you where the item ended up. I think I will be scarred for the rest of my life."

"I will deal with this now," said Minerva opening the door and stepping inside.

As soon as she opened the door, she saw Lockhart bent over his desk with his robes tying him to the legs. The pixies were using him as a stuffed turkey on Thanksgiving Day. They were busy trying to shove as many objects as they could find up his ass. She was so shocked by what she saw that she was unable to articulate words. She closed the door and left Harry to guard it.

"Miss Granger, please run to Hagrid's and have him go and retrieve Petunia Dursley for me," she said in a choked whisper. "I would do it myself, but I think I am going to be sick. Mr. Potter, do not let anyone into this room. I would recommend that you not enter either. I have to go see Poppy Pomfrey about getting my eyes removed and my mind Obliviated."

Harry sighed and stood guard outside the door. Hermione ran off to do what she was asked. Minerva vomited before she headed off to the infirmary. A few moments later, Severus passed Harry in the hallway.

"Harry what are you doing out here?" he asked. "Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"No Sir," said Harry. "Professor McGonagall asked me to stand guard until my Aunt gets here. I am not allowed to let another student into this room. Aunt Minerva mentioned something about going get Obliviated due to what she witnessed in there as well as getting her eyes taken out. Hermione is going for Hagrid who will get my Aunt."

"What is the vomit all over the floor?" Severus asked waving his wand and cleaning it.

"That would be Aunt Minnie's breakfast," said Harry. "Whatever she saw in there upset her stomach. She went to see Aunt Poppy for something for her stomach. I have a copy of Professor Lockhart's pop quiz if you would like to see it. Hermione and I were not all that impressed with it."

Severus nodded and Harry handed it to him. The more Severus read, the more shocked he became. He stood there with Harry with a look of utter disgust on his face. Every now and then, they could hear a scream of pain come from within the classroom.

"Do you have any idea who is getting attacked?" asked Severus.

"Professor Lockhart," replied Harry in a tired voice.

"Any idea of who or what is attacking him?" asked Severus.

"Cornish Pixies," sighed Harry.

"Do I even want to know?" asked Severus.

"Trust me when I say Uncle Severus that it is best to let Aunt Petunia deal with the situation," said Harry. "She is coming up now and she will deal with it. I would not want you to lose your breakfast over this."

Severus nodded is head in agreement and waved to Petunia as she came to the door. Harry quickly filled her in on what started to happen before they left the room. She nodded her head and patted him on the arm. She entered the room and closed the door. Moments later, she came running out of the room looking like a deer in the headlights. It was the first time that she had been shocked by much of anything. She sat on the floor and started to shake. Harry and the two professors were concerned by her behavior.

"Aunt Petunia?" asked Harry. "What happened?"

"You all are not going to believe this," said Petunia to Minerva and Severus. "There is some little blue fairy looking creatures building a road of some sort in mid air. One of them is driving what would appear to be a tiny car. A neon sign is over his ass that says "The Tunnel of Love". I am not sure if this is something that I can take care of. I think I want to gouge out my eyes and drink acid or something. This is the most disturbing thing I have ever witnessed."

At that time, Voldemort was passing by. Petunia looked at him and then grabbed him by the arm.

"I want you to go into that room and rescue that man from those little blue creatures," she said. "By the time I am ready to enter that room again, I want him standing up on his own and able to speak."

"Ok Boss," said Voldemort and entered the room.

The group stood outside and waited for a few minutes. Loads of whooping and hollering was sounded through the door. After about ten minutes Voldemort came back outside zipping his pants. He started whistling a tune as he walked away. Petunia and Minerva glanced at each other and then peeked into the room. Lockhart was trussed up like a roasting pig on the table. The only thing she could say was at least he was dressed like Voldemort was asked.

"This has got to be the strangest school that I have ever been in," said Petunia. "Has it always been like this?"

"No," said Minerva. "Only since Harry started and Dumbledore lost his marbles. We are not sure why, but there is something about Harry that has made the man insane for power and such. He is more concerned with your nephew than doing his job. This is the second useless Defense instructor he has brought into the school. We may well just summon Remus back and ask him to assist with the classes."

At that moment Albus ran by. When he saw Petunia, he stopped dead in his tracks. He screamed something that resembled 'Satan is here' and fled back the way he came. Severus went into the room and dealt with Lockhart. He came out with a disheveled DADA professor and stood there.

"I was just trying to show the students what could happen with creatures like that," said Lockhart. "I was finally able to get the pixies back into their cage."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth, and then make up appeared on his face. When the makeup finished appearing, he looked like Ronald McDonald and a ninety year old cross dresser ran into each other. The others were standing there in amusement. The look was not a pleasant one for Lockhart.

"This is what is going to happen to him every time he takes credit for someone else's work," said Lady Hogwarts. "I am so sick of people lying in this place. We have a Head Master that is scared of his own shadow. We have a Dark Lord that is nuts. Now we have this idiot who thinks he is the greatest thing to happen to magic. Minerva if you could post notices for the Houses to let them know why Professor Blockhead will sometimes appear the way he does, I would appreciate it."

Petunia nodded to the group and took her leave. Harry and his classmates all went to Charms where they were learning some new and exciting things in the class. As usual all it took was for Harry and Hermione to grasp the basic and then they were able to perform the Charm. This day they were learning the Alohomora Spell. Harry and Hermione were already masters of this spell. Harry cast it and not only did the locks unlock, but they fell off the door. Harry sighed as he cast a Reparo on them.

In potions, there was an incident that made Harry want to crawl into a hole and never leave. He was sitting with Neville in their normal spot when Draco Malfoy struck again.

"Potty," said Draco. "I heard that you and Professor Lockhart are now booty buddies. I am going to start spreading that rumor around. That way you can understand that you should not mess with a Malfoy. My father only has about fifty million galleons left thanks to you. It is a good thing that I have my vaults or I would beat the hell out of you. Mother has left father and it is your fault. I am going to get you if it is the last thing that I do."

Harry ignored Draco and proceeded to work on his potion. He was helping Neville with a mistake the Gryffindor was making when Draco called out through the class to Severus.

"Professor," he called. "Lockhart's boyfriend is cheating for Longbottom. It is not fair that we have to do out own potions and Potty and Longbottom are able to steal their work from others."

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose as he looked over at Harry. Harry just sat there with a shocked expression on his face. Severus smiled at him before turning to Draco. When he did, he was shocked to his core. The cauldron that Draco was working at grew hands and grabbed the blond by his ears and was pulling his head into the cauldron. Draco had his hands on the rim of the cauldron and was trying to prevent that from happening. When it looked like Draco was about to succeed, the burner flared up causing him to yelp and let go. When that happened, the cauldron succeeded in pulling Draco's head in. Severus ran to his godson and was attempting to help the boy. The cauldron was determined to swallow his whole body. Severus turned to look at Harry. Harry sighed and walked over to the cauldron and tapped it with his wand. Immediately the cauldron spit Draco out and proceeded to regurgitate.

Draco had most of the hair on his head missing and his face had the implant of two butt cheeks etched on it. His nose had a brown ring on it. Soon the sounds of monkeys echoed in the room and Draco shit in his pants and then ran out of the room. Severus was not a happy person.

"Miss Abbott," said Severus. "When you see Mr. Malfoy next, please inform him that he has lost twenty points for his remark. Also inform him that he has earned a week worth of detention for leaving class early. Mr. Potter, take eight points for assisting another student with their potion."

With that, Severus waved his wand and cleaned up the mess that Draco had made. The next morning at breakfast, the group was all sitting there when the mail arrived. As they watched, an arrow zoomed out of nowhere and pinned a letter to Draco's forehead. It was a howler from Narcissa.

"DRACO MALFOY!" screamed the letter while Draco looked on dazed due to loss of blood. "HOW DARE YOU RUIN ANOTHER CAULDRON? SEVERUS CONTACTED ME LAST NIGHT AND TOLD ME HOW THE CAULDRON HAD TO BE SHOT AS THE AILMENTS FROM EATING YOUR HEAD CAUSED IT TO BECOME SICK. THERE WAS NOT A CURE FOR IT. IF YOU DO THAT TO ONE MORE CAULDRON, THEN YOU CAN JUST START BREWING YOUR POTIONS IN YOUR MOUTH AND SPITTING THEM INTO THE VIAL."

With that the letter ignited. When the fire stopped burning, his robes and part of his underclothes were also burnt. Harry stood up and walked over to him.

"I spoke with my lawyer last night." he told the burnt boy. "I am suing you for slander and pain and suffering. Be prepared to lose fifteen million galleons."

"But I only have twenty million in the bank," yelled Draco. "How am I supposed to live on five million galleons? My father is spending loads of his money at St Mungo's due to being addicted to shock therapy treatment."

"That is not my problem," said Harry walking back to his table. "You did this to yourself and my lawyer is always looking for a reason to sue someone."

At that moment a second arrow joined the first one. It was a letter from Jeff the lawyer.

"Dear small Malfoy," said the letter. "This is to inform you that you have lost your case against Lord Potter. Fifteen million galleons will be removed from your vault to Lord Potter's vault. Three million will be reduced for my fees. Eat shit fuck head. You are a loser now. The Weasleys are richer than you are. OO, OO AH, AH!"

Once more Draco shit in his pants and fled from the dining hall. He still had a mortal fear of monkeys.

Later that day, Minerva was passing the Great Hall when she noticed Dumbledore giggling by the fireplace. She was not sure what he was up to so she decided to investigate the scene. Dumbledore was magically arranging all of the sewage pipes to drain into two separate locations.

"Albus what are you doing?" she asked. "Where are those pipes draining?"

"It is a secret you skanky old besom," said Dumbledore. "Why don't you go and annoy someone else and leave me alone. This is the first time in weeks that I have had a moment's peace and quiet to get even with Harry Potter."

Minerva backed away as Albus farted. It was so loud and so hard that it undid some of his magic. The first set of pipes which were set to go off in Harry's rooms, ended up dumping mounds of shit in Albus' bed. The second set of pipes which were aimed at the Ministry of Magic was now being poured into the kitchen. When Albus finished farting, he looked up and saw a troop of house elves headed his way. All were covered in the waste from the school cesspool and none of them looked happy.

"Oh, Oh," said Dumbledore running from the room.

"Well," said Minerva. "That ought to keep him occupied for a bit. At least one of the four will be out of my hair for awhile."

That evening, the students were gathered into the Great Hall for the first dueling club. Lockhart was making a big to do about being so great. The students were not impressed with his words. He was standing there when they noticed that Professor Snape was there as well.

"Ok class," said Lockhart. "This evening we are going to start our little dueling group. Now we are going to pair up and practice disarming people. Who can tell me the spell for it?"

Harry raised his hand and gave the answer. Lockhart smiled down at him and awarded him eight points. He proceeded to tell them about his time as dueling champ. Many of the students were laughing at Lockhart as his face changed and his makeup had reappeared on his face. His robes changed into a used trash bag and he had sludge in his hair. Many of his teeth were blackened and he did not even realize what happened. When he did, he had to excuse himself for a few minutes to change. Severus took over while he was gone.

"I think a demonstration between me and Professor Snape is in order," said Lockhart upon returning. "Not to worry everyone, you will still have your potions teacher when I am done. Now we will take up our stances and we will show you the proper way to duel."

Lockhart and Severus bowed to each other and then took their places on each end of the stage. Lockhart did a lot of twirling with his wand.

"On the count of three, we are going to cast our spells at one another," said Lockhart. "One. Two. Three."

Before Lockhart was able to say the first syllable of his spell, Severus flicked his wand and sent a spell at Lockhart. The students were rolling with laughter as a giant spit ball hit Lockhart square in the face. It took the git almost ten minutes to try and get it off. Eventually Severus had to remove it from the man's face. The students were crying they were laughing so hard.

"Well I think we have enough to get on with," said Lockhart when he was able to breathe normally. "Why don't we pair a couple of students up against one another shall we? How about we allow Harry and Mr. Malfoy to try?"

"Excuse me," said Harry politely. "Why is it that you call everyone else Mr. or Miss and yet you deem it appropriate to call me by my given name? How is that fair to me? If you are going to address me, then I would prefer it if you call me Lord Potter or Mr. Potter like you do everyone else. You and I are not friends and you do not have permission to call me just Harry. That is a special privilege to people who have earned it."

"Come now, Harry," said Lockhart. "I am just being friendly. I count you as a friend. Do you not count me as a friend?"

"Isn't that what he just said?" asked Severus with a sneer. "Do you still have some of that spit wad in your ears? I will ask you to grant Mr. Potter's request Gilderoy and stop making him out to be your sidekick. Shall we get back to this dueling lesson, or shall I berate you further in front of the students?"

"Quite right Severus," said Lockhart. "Mr. Malfoy, please come up. Mr. Potter, please do the same. On the count of three, please cast your spells to disarm only."

With that, Lockhart counted to three. When he got to two, Draco cast his first spell only to miss and hit Lockhart. Harry fired his spell back at Draco and hit him square in the face. Ron fired a spell at Harry only to miss and hit Hermione. She fired one back at him. He jumped to the side quickly and Neville got hit by a spell. Soon spells were flying all over the room. Voldemort came in and spoke to Severus.

"Is this a new game?" he asked. "This looks like fun. Can I play too?"

Before Severus could respond, Voldemort picked up a chair and threw it at Lockhart. Lockhart crashed to the floor in a heap. From there, Lockhart picked up Ginny Weasley and threw her at Severus. Severus used his wand to deflect the girl and she crashed on top of Lockhart. Voldemort decided that he was having a great time. When Dumbledore entered the hall to see what all the commotion was all about, Voldemort picked him up and threw him at Ginny. She ducked and Dumbledore hit Lockhart causing him to smash to the floor again. Soon the house elves decided that they had enough. They picked up Lockhart and threw him into the lake. From there, they picked up Dumbledore and threw him into the floo and sent him to Malfoy Manor. After that, they picked up Draco and sent him back to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

Severus, Harry, and Hermione were all working together to clear up the mess. It was not long before the trio managed to get the wands away from everyone and then separated.

"Harry," began Lockhart and then paused as a smell came from him. He realized then that he had used the bathroom on his self. He ran from the room and changed his clothes. He came back in a few minutes later to survey the scene. He saw that Harry was still fixing the tables and such.

"Harry," he began and then stopped as once again he had diarrhea once again. He ran out of the Great Hall to go and change as the smell was nauseating.

"I wonder what all that was about?" asked Harry. "Please don't tell me that Lockhart will shit his robes every time he calls my name. That is worse than Dumbledore passing noxious gas when he calls me by my name. This can not be happening to me."

"Think of it this way," said Hermione cheerfully. "At least they both are going to know that there will be repercussions for calling you something other than Mr. Potter."

"That is one way to look at it," observed Severus. "If they continue, we can always bring in Petunia and see what she can do about the situation. If anyone can fix this it will be her. I wonder where Draco is?"

"You might want to check Myrtle's bathroom again," said Harry. "Last I saw, she was upset that he invaded her space and she was determined to make him drink all of the water from the toilets. I want to say that she had his head under t he water until he actually drank enough. He doesn't look to good at the moment."

"Damn it," snapped Severus as he headed to the loo to once more rescue his godson.

Days passed and the group was all worried. From time to time huge farts sounded and blew holes in the walls. Lockhart could be seen from time to time running for his rooms to change his robes. DADA was one of the stupidest classes for the school. Severus was rapidly losing his patience as he had to teach seven years worth of students Potions and then turn around and teach a group that was growing larger by the day DADA. The only good thing that Harry was enjoying was that so far he was the top in his year again.

One of the good things that Harry had to look forward to was the fact that Quidditch was starting up. They were at dinner one evening when he noticed that Dumbledore had his head together with Voldemort and Lockhart. Draco was not far away and they were discussing a new plan of attack.

"Harry Potter," called Dumbledore and had to wait while seven professors started to scream at him because of his smelly fart. "We challenge you to a duel. You are allowed to pick three people to help you in this duel. Winner gets your vaults. Voldemort, Draco, Professor Lockhart and I are the challengers."

"Very well," said Harry with a sigh. "As I don't have much choice in the matter and I am tired of you always harassing me, I choose Aunt Petunia, Jean Granger, Professor Snape and me to fight you. If you lose, you will turn over your vaults to the four of us. If you insist on coming after me, then I will have no option but to give you all that you are asking for. I need one hour to write to Mrs. Granger and my Aunt."

With that, Harry sat down and wrote two letters. When he had them both written, he sent one off with Hedwig and the other with Spook. An hour later, he had an affirmative answer from both women. Severus offered to go and pick up Jean while Petunia entered the castle and sat down next to Harry. Petunia glared at Albus and was cracking her knuckles. The old man looked constipated while viewing her actions. Severus came back in a few minutes later with Jean Granger. After greeting her daughter, Minerva rose and transfigured one of the house tables into a section for the four combatants. Hagrid was asked to referee the fight along with Minerva. Soon bets were being placed all over the hall. Students wanted good odds. The eight fighters took their places. After a brief huddle, Harry and his team made their plan. It was not long before Minerva told them to begin.

Harry and Severus quickly disarmed both Albus and Draco. Petunia stalked across the ring with Jean by her side and together they grabbed Voldemort and Lockhart. Both men screamed like little girls and tried to get away. Each woman grabbed the man by their ankles and started swinging them in a circle. Soon Voldemort's head crashed into Dumbledore's. Harry just kept firing hexes at Draco making him dance on the spot. Severus kept an eye out in case anyone sent anything dangerous at their team. When Minerva looked again, Petunia had Dumbledore's beard tied around Lockhart's neck and was using the two men like a punching bag. Severus obliged her buy hanging them from the ceiling. Jean was busy beating the daylights out of Voldemort.

"Uncle Severus," said Harry. "I am bored. Do you think that we won or should I let Aunt Petunia finish bruising up the rest of their bodies?"

"Eh," said Severus indifferently. "Let her have her fun. I am sure there are a few places on their bodies that don't have bruises yet. Even if she doesn't get in all of the shots, the ninja sumo wrestlers are waiting for their turn and some of Dumbledore's robes are also waiting. I see your lawyer is here and he is jumping up and down like an excited six year old girl."

"Yes," said Harry. "He is making a fortune off of suing people for me. He is probably the richest lawyer in Britain by now. He gets a fee from the people that lose their cases. I know that he is anxious to get to Lucius again if the man ever comes out of St. Mungo's. I am not holding my breath on that one. The last report I got about that situation was that the man was becoming addicted to rubbing alcohol. I think he has really lost his mind."

"That is a new development," replied Severus. "I have not heard that. I didn't think it was healthy to drink rubbing alcohol."

"Oh he isn't drinking it," said Harry. "He is snorting it. I would assume that it is starting to fry his brain cells."

Soon the sound of the lawyer getting the papers signed was done and the two women were standing with Harry and Severus. Both had a feral look on their faces.

"Just send us an owl anytime you need us Harry," said Petunia. "I assume that we are splitting everything four ways?"

"Of course," said Harry with a grin. "We all worked together and we all get a share."

With that Jean and Petunia took their leave. Sounds of sobbing could be heard as Dumbledore and Voldemort were being escorted out of the room by the robes. Neither man was on their feet. Both were dragged off to another part of the castle for some more abuse. Trailing behind them was a contingent of house elves. All had a dangerous glint in their eyes.

AUTHOR'S NOTE – Special thanks to Combatwars for his idea for Lockhart. I am going to start taking it slower with the chapters. I want to do them justice and I am not feeling it today. I hope that this chapter was ok.


	10. Can I Get An Oh Oh?

**DISCLAIMER** – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

**DISCLAIMER 2** – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

**NOTE** – You guys are **AWESOME**. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will seem kind of off, and it probably will be. For those of you that are enjoying this story, it just means that you are just as twisted and warped as I am. _PLEASE NOTE that there is NO slash in this fic as of yet. There might be some in later chapters, but I am not sure. I am just concentrating on making you laugh rather than a funny story._

**NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. Thank you to all my fabulous readers that are egging me on.**

**Chapter 10 – Can I Get An Oh, Oh?**

The quidditch games started. Harry was enjoying himself. He watched as the players took the field. Slytherin House was competing against Ravenclaw. The Ravenclaw seeker was sick and Harry was able to play in the game for once. The game got started and soon enough Harry knew that there was going to be trouble. The beaters were determined to knock Harry off his broom. They were aiming their bludgers at him with a ferocity that was deadly. While they were aiming at Harry, the Ravenclaw beaters were making short work of the Slytherin team. Soon the score was one hundred to ten in favor of Ravenclaw. Harry was racing down on his broom to get the snitch when he was hit in the arm by the bludger that was aimed at him. It broke his arm. He grabbed the snitch with his other hand.

"Ravenclaw wins," called Lee Jordan. "The final score is two hundred and fifty to ten. It seems that the Slytherin beaters are not done with Harry yet."

Marcus Flint aimed another bludger at Harry. Harry was cradling his broken arm and crying with pain when he noticed that the crowd went from concern to laughter. He looked around and saw that the bludger had reversed course and hit Flint right between his legs. The broom flew to the ground where it stuck straight up in the mud. Marcus fell on it and was hanging from the top part of the broom by his collar. What had everyone laughing was the fact that midgets appeared out of no where and grabbed him and started singing while going around something they called a May Pole. From there, they sat back and had a mud fight. They were taking turns throwing mud mixed with fecal matter at Flint and scoring each other by how close to his face that they got.

Professor Lockhart decide to head to Harry and check to see if he was alright.

"Harry," said Lockhart and waited as he used the bathroom on himself. "I will heal your arm right quick and then I must be off to change my clothes."

"I don't want you fixing my arm," said Harry. "Let Madam Pomfrey do it. She is the school nurse after all."

"Nonsense Harry," said Lockhart and waited as a second bout of diarrhea hit him. "It will take but a moment."

Lockhart pulled out his wand and cast the spell on Harry's arm. The bones disappeared from his arm causing Harry and Cedric to scream in outrage. Poppy came up and when she heard what Lockhart had done, she borrowed Harry's broom, grabbed Lockhart by the head and slammed him to the ground. From there she took the broomstick and gave him a sound beating.

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO," she repeated hitting him. "How many times do I have to tell you that you are not a qualified healer and that you have no right to try and heal anyone? We will be talking to Mr. Potter's lawyer about this. You can bet that you will be loads of galleons lighter when this is all said and done."

She turned to Harry and Cedric when she was done beating Lockhart.

"Mr. Diggory," she said. "Will you help get Harry to the infirmary? I have to go and speak to Petunia. I will be along shortly to fix Harry's arm."

Cedric nodded and helped Harry stand. As they were walking to the entrance of the school, Voldemort was standing there laughing at Harry. Poppy took him by the ear and gave him a beating just like she did to Lockhart.

"We do not tease other people when they are hurt due to the stupidity of others," she scolded. "This is a bad example that you weirdoes are setting for the children. How are they expected to behave when people seventy years old and older are behaving like preschoolers?"

"You better be warned old woman," said Voldemort. "I have a vat of acid in my rooms and I will push you into it."

"That did it," shrieked Poppy. "When I tell Petunia what you just said, she will make you drink that vat of acid and you will be shitting steam and putrid things for the next few years."

With that Poppy sent an elf to Petunia with a message that she was needed at the castle once again. When that was done, she went to the infirmary to work with Harry. Meanwhile Rolanda and Minerva were busy giving Flint an earful. When they were done, they left him hanging on his broom and went inside to check on Harry.

"What are we going to do about all of this?" asked Minerva. "We have Albus killing us with gas every time he speaks Harry's name. We have Voldemort running around acting like he is retarded. Now we have Lockhart running around like he is some kind of fairy tale princess pretending he knows what he is doing. Let's not forget that he has a bout of diarrhea every time he says Harry's given name."

"Speaking of that," said Rolanda. "I just so happen to pass his quarters the other day. You will never guess what I saw."

"What did you see?" asked Minerva knowing she was going to regret it.

"Lockhart, Dumbledore, and Voldemort were in Lockhart's suite of rooms," she said. "The stupid asses left the door open. They were all dressed like princesses. It was complete with gowns and tiaras. They were having a tea party. They were attempting to see about getting Draco Malfoy betrothed to Voldemort."

"Are you serious?" asked Minerva.

"No," said Albus running by. "Sirius is in prison thanks to me. Her name is Fat Fanny. She is part of the large ass society and she is determined to have the largest ghetto ass in Hogwarts."

Both Rolanda and Minerva stopped dead in their tracks. Neither woman was able to speak for a few moments. The insult was so blandly uncalled for that both women saw red. With that, they nodded their heads in unspoken agreement and gave chase to the old wizard.

"ALBUS DUMBLEDORE," screamed Rolanda. "WHEN I AM DONE WITH YOU, YOUR BALLS WILL BE HANGING AROUND YOUR CHIN."

All the males in the vicinity held their crotch protectively at that proclamation. As Minerva and Rolanda passed, they noticed that Voldemort was cackling while standing next to a vat of something on the floor. As they raced past him, Minerva accidentally bumped into him and he fell in. She paused to observe the scene while Rolanda continued to chase Albus up the hall.

"What is going on here?" asked Petunia coming up with Narcissa Malfoy. "Who is in there?"

"Voldemort was doing something stupid no doubt," answered Minerva. "What he was doing with a vat of acid in the corridor is anyone's guess. The question is how are we going to get him out of there safely?"

"Eh," said Petunia. "Let him figure it out on his own. I am to understand that Harry was hurt by Marcus Flint and then Lockhart did him something?"

"Oh yes," said Minerva. "Lockhart took it upon himself to heal Harry's broken arm and ended up removing the bones all together. From what I saw, Poppy beat the piss out of him literally with Harry's broomstick."

"What are those students doing over there?" asked Petunia.

The trio of women came upon a group of students surrounding something on the floor and they looked like they were praying to it. Lockhart was standing there giggling uncontrollably.

"What are you all doing?" snapped Minerva.

"Holy Shit," said Lockhart.

"I beg your pardon," said Minerva huffing up immediately. "What are they doing on the floor and what is it that they are praying to?"

"Holy Shit," repeated Lockhart. "Don't you know anything? When a wizard gets the shit beat out of him by a witch, he constitutes a religious faction. It is now Baptist Poop. So therefore it is…"

"Holy Shit," said Petunia understanding immediately. "Are you telling me that there is a pile of shit on the floor that these students are now worshiping and you have some insane idea that it is religious?"

"Isn't that what I just said fat ass?" snapped Lockhart. "Religious Poop, or Holy Shit, take your pick of what you want to call it. Now if you don't mind, we have a shitty sermon to listen to from this pile of shit on the shitty floor."

"Did he just call me fat ass?" asked Petunia.

"It seems to be the daily insult," said Minerva. "I was helping Rolanda chase Albus for calling her Fat Fanny before you arrived. This pile of shit on the floor might be due to her actually catching him."

"So he called me a fat ass," confirmed Petunia to the nod of the other woman. "Well then I think that I have to teach this worthless bastard a thing or two."

"Hey, hey, hey," snapped Lockhart. "Didn't I just ask you to shut the hell up? We are trying to listen here."

Petunia grabbed him around the neck and dragged him screaming to a secluded section down the hall. When Minerva joined her a few minutes later, Lockhart was laying on the ground. He had one hand shoved into his mouth while one leg was wrapped around his neck. The other leg was not noticed at first until she went to the other side and saw his foot in his own ass. Narcissa was busy taking pictures of the scene for the newspaper while Petunia was screaming about getting the lawyer here for the paperwork to begin for the lawsuit about the damage he had done to Harry and for the stupidity that he had done to her. Jeff the lawyer came bouncing along a few minutes later with the documents in his hand.

"How does he do that?" Minerva asked Narcissa. "He always seems to know when Harry or Petunia wants to sue someone."

"I think he has a generic sheet made out," explained Narcissa. "All he has to do is, fill in a name, an amount, and who is being sued and there it is. When the courts see that it is Jeff the lawyer suing for Harry Potter or Petunia Dursley, they don't even read it anymore. They just stamp their approval on it and file it. I wonder how much she will be getting from this loser."

"Twenty million for Harry and ten million for me," said Petunia. "That should about break him down to nothing. He better start writing some more fan fiction stories so that he can make some money off of them and replenish his vaults. According to Jeff the lawyer, Lockhart will be lucky to have five thousand galleons left in his vault after this."

"By the time Jeff is done, harry will be the richest man on the planet," observed Minerva. "Well I hate to run off, but I need to see if Harry is ok. Plus we still have the Dark Lord in the vat of acid. Wont Lockhart get sued for copyright infringements if he gets paid to write fan fiction?"

"What do we care?" asked Petunia bluntly. Minerva just nodded her head in agreement at the statement.

When they got back to the vat, Hermione was standing there looking at a blond haired woman in awe.

"Who is that Miss Granger?" asked Minerva curiously.

"I am Voldemort," snapped the Dark Lord. "I am the most evil person on the planet."

"No you aren't," sang Albus as he ran by with Fluffy in hot pursuit. "Harry Potter is."

Fluffy passed out and soiled the floor with the fart that sounded from Albus.

"He, he, he," giggled Albus. "That will teach the big fur ball to mess with me."

Sighing Minerva grabbed Albus by the head and slammed his face to the floor and rubbed his face in Fluffy excrement.

"BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD," she said hitting him with a newspaper. "How many times have I told you about doing that to unsuspecting people or animals?"

"Four hundred and fifty eight times," whimpered Albus. "Hey! Who is the fox?"

"That's Barbara Eden," said Hermione pointing at Voldemort. "She played on 'I Dream of Jeannie'. It was a sitcom from the sixties. It was in black and white on TV."

"I am the Dark Lord you poor excuse for a human girl," screamed Voldemort outraged. "How dare you call me a woman?"

"Then what do you call those?" asked Hermione pointing to his breast. "Those look like tits to me. So that makes you a woman. Add in the fact that you are the spitting image of the woman from TV and that makes you Barbara Eden. You are even wearing her outfit."

"Those are pimples," said Voldemort. "I must see that old battle axe in the hospital wing to pop them for me."

By this time Albus was making crude gestures at Voldemort. He was making seductive comments to him as well.

"How about we go back to my room and play a game of hide and seek?" asked Albus seductively.

A few moments later, the spell wore off and Voldemort was standing there while still in the costume from the TV show. Albus was not deterred by this and was still calling out obscene references when Minerva grabbed him and started beating him with a yard stick.

"How many times have I told you to not talk about things like that in front of the students?" she asked while she beat on him. "It is inappropriate and not something you should do."

"Three thousand, nine hundred twenty thousand four hundred fifty seven times," admitted Albus. "But he is so hot in that outfit. Come on Minerva. I would like to procreate with him or her or what ever it is at the moment. This gets so confusing with the entire cross dressing thing that has been going on around here lately."

"That is your own fault you pervert," snapped Minerva. "Tom I suggest that you go and get changed. I will NOT have you dressed like this around my students. It is bad enough that you are in the corridor and I have to have acid poured on Miss Granger's brain so that she will forget what she has seen here today."

"Can I try that outfit on?" asked Albus. "I bet I would look better in it than old Mouldywarts."

"NO!" screamed Minerva. "You can not try it on. Albus I am warning you for the last time to get to your room and to not come out until dinner. You are hereby phenomenally prematurely persistently personally privately predominantly platonically permanently positively potentially punished. Are you even listening to me? I used a whole lot of words with the letter p in that sentence."

"It is not my fault you have a thing for urine," said Albus while Voldemort was busy bashing his head into the wall of the corridor. "Who do you think I am Penny Pingleton?"

Minerva got so mad that she assisted Voldemort in beating the hell out of Albus. Hermione was rolling on the floor laughing at the scene before her. Pomona had to come and rescue the young Gryffindor from the area before she did herself harm by laughing so hard. Soon the other teachers got involved in what was going on. Each wanted to teach the old bastard a lesson.

Meanwhile back in the hospital wing, Petunia was sitting with Harry while Poppy was doing her business.

"You are going to be here for the entire night," said Poppy. "Had that idiot let me do my job, you would have been fixed up in a jiffy. However, I have to replace all of your bones. That will not be pleasant."

"Harry what do you want to do about the Horcrux diary?" asked Petunia. "We still have yet to figure out what to do with it."

"We could always give it back to him," suggested Harry. "We can use a bit of magic on it and change the name on the cover. That way, he will think it is a gift and he will start using it. By combining the two parts of his soul, we can get him to have his own body so that Professor Quirrel can go home to his family."

"Harry there is another horcrux here in the castle," aid Lady Hogwarts. "I thought you should know. It is in the Room of Requirement. I can bring it to you if you like. Also I should point out that Voldemort is trying to access the Chamber of Secrets again. The last time he did that Myrtle died."

"HMMM," wondered Harry. "We can not allow him to do that. Legend has it that there is a creature in there that belonged to Salazar Slytherin. It is probably a huge dangerous snake of some kind."

"How do you know that Harry?" asked Petunia.

"The author of this story told me," said Harry. "Basically as the heir of the four founders, I can go in there and tell the snake to dance the hula if I so wish it. When I am free to move about the castle again, Blaise and I will go down and talk to the snake and do something about it. I wonder if we can move it to another location and away from Voldemort."

"Leave it to my nephew," beamed Petunia. "Here he is in the hospital wing and he is worried about a giant snake that can kill people. I am so proud of you. Maybe I can borrow it and deal with your former Uncle."

"I think there is a riot outside," said Poppy. "It looks like the staff of Hogwarts is beating the shit out of Albus again. Scratch that. It looks like Albus is putting on a show and the teachers are trying to get him off the stage. Students are screaming and scratching at their eyes in horror."

"What is he doing?" asked Harry curiously as Petunia went to the door to look.

"Do you remember the song by the Divinyls?" she asked. "The one that is entitled, I Touch Myself."

"Yes," said Harry. "Why do you ask?"

"Well," said Petunia as the students with bloody eyes came in. "He is standing there nude with the exception of a glove covering his privates while doing obscene gestures to that song."

EWWW," screamed Harry and promptly passed out.

"Oh dear," said Petunia. "After Jeff the lawyer sues Dumbledore, I guess I get sued for planting the image into his poor brain."

No sooner were the words out of her mouth then the lawyer ran in. He had her sign the parchments before running off.

"How much did he get this time?" asked Poppy.

"Ten million galleons from Dumbledore and thirteen million from me," said Petunia. "That will hardly make a dent in my vaults though. I am not that worried."

Later that day, Lockhart was walking around with a huge knife in his hands. Minerva noticed this and approached him.

"Gilderoy," she said harshly. "What in the hell are you doing?"

"I am going to become the world's first cereal killer," replied the man. "Since you all won't let me attend the dueling club anymore I have to have a new hobby."

"So you are going to go around and kill people?" asked Minerva shocked to hear the news. "How is that going to solve anything?"

"I am not going to kill people you stupid old lard ass," snapped Gilderoy. "I am going to kill Raison Bran, Fruit Loops, Cheerios, Corn Flakes, and Life Cereal. Why would I want to kill people? That will get blood all over my pink lace panties. Merlin, it is like no one around here has a brain. I have to think of everything all by myself. Now if you will excuse me, I heard from the house elves that there are a few boxes of cereal in Albus' bathroom. I have to go and kill them."

With that he left a very confused Minerva standing there. Luna walked up to the transfiguration professor and gently closed her mouth.

"Don't worry about it," advised the young Ravenclaw heir. "He was bound to lose his marbles sooner or later. He is just lucky I found them. They were hiding behind the pumpkin patch. Do you know why he is not allowed to teach the dueling club anymore?"

"Yes," said Minerva absently. "Because the last time he was there, he somehow managed to transfigure Hagrid's ass onto his face. It took me an hour to undo the problem."

"So that is why Professor Lockhart missed class for three days," observed Luna in understanding. "Hagrid must have gotten some sort of revenge on him."

"You could say that," said Minerva. "It took Madam Pomfrey over three hours to extract all of the items that were shoved up his ass. I swear that man has some kind of fetish for that sort of thing."

Luna didn't say anything. Minerva looked down and saw the pretty high heeled shoes the young girl was wearing.

"Miss Lovegood," she said pointing to the shoes. "Where did you get those shoes?"

"Some munchkins took them from Professor Dumbledore and told me to stay tight inside of them," replied the girl. "Something about if I throw water on Professor Dumbledore that he might melt. When they left I heard this huge crash and Professor Dumbledore was lying under a house that mysteriously fell on him in the middle of the Great Hall while wearing black and while striped stockings. Did you know that Professor Dumbledore wears panty hose?"

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me," said Minerva escorting Luna to her common room. "That man has gone around the twist. Oh by the way, we have to get the diary out of Harry's room. Petunia wants it returned to Voldiesnacks. If you could get it for me, I will make the necessary arrangements."

"WILL YOU PEOPLE EVER CALL ME BY MY CORRECT NAME?" screamed Voldemort as he ran by being chased by the costume he was dressed in earlier.

Somewhere around five hundred voices shouted a NO in response.

"I am the most feared Dark Lord in history," he screamed. "You will show me respect."

Five hundred dictionaries surrounded Voldemort showing him the definition of the word as well as pictures with lurid suggestions as to what he could do with the dictionaries when he was done with them.

Later that evening, the school was eating their dinner. Harry was sitting with Cedric and Luna talking when Dumbledore started talking to Minerva.

"Minerva," he said to her face making her recoil in disgust. "What are you going to do about Parry Hotter?"

"Albus, you breathe stinks," she snapped. "Could you please get your face out of mine so that I can breath? I swear it smells like shit."

"I don't see how," said Dumbledore. "The house elves gave me a tube of toothpaste. I used it before I came down to dinner. It was a pretty brown color. It' name is Poopgate. It is supposed to make your breath smell painfully good and whiten your teeth."

He smiled at Minerva and showed her his supposedly pearly whites. She promptly vomited in his face and then passed out from the smell. Poppy and Pomona had to get her out of harms way. Petunia meanwhile, was standing and then had Dumbledore bent over her knee and was giving him a sound spanking.

Harry gave a sigh and turned to his companions.

"I will be glad when this year is over with," he told them. "That way we can get rid of Professor Lockhart and maybe we can get an intelligent and knowledgeable professor for DADA next year. I swear that I can not keep up with teaching it again this year. I don't know how I am getting such good grades in all of my classes with all of the extra stuff that I have to do around here."

"Just be thankful that you ARE getting good grades," said Hermione. "Thanks to you we are once again passing the subject of DADA."

"Maybe I should just stop being a full time student and be a full time teacher instead," suggested harry. "I can always study on the side with the professors. If I am going to have to teach the subject of DADA every year, I should at least be getting paid for it."

"Oh I thought you knew Harry," said Cedric. "You are getting paid. Dad told me that the Ministry found out about what is going on and the Board of Governors have been getting you paid to teach DADA to your class."

"Wow," said Harry. "Well then I guess I better stop complaining then. At least I am still getting the top grade in all my classes. Professor Flitwick said that Hermione and I are like a prodigy or something. Professor McGonagall showed me my test results and stuff and I have an Outstanding in each and every subject. I am the top of the whole school right now."

"Well that shows that you are good at what you do," said Hermione. "At least I am not that far behind you. By the way, what are you going to do for the holidays?"

"Aunt Petunia and I are going to have a nice quiet dinner and then we will spend some time with the Professors while I get ahead of my school work again," he answered. "I just want a quiet holiday away form Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest."

Harry was only partially lucky. He had a quiet Christmas, but Voldemort was still an issue. The diary had been changed slightly and was given back to the man, err thing, or err wizard. Oh who knows? It gets confusing as the man has multiple personalities and two faces. Lady Hogwarts had also given Harry the Diadem of Ravenclaw. Harry presented it to Voldemort on Christmas morning proclaiming him to be Queen Elizabeth for the day. Minerva transfigured his robes into a gown that the Queen would wear. With the Diadem on his head and the diary in his arms, he fled the room as Dumbledore took off his clothes and proceeded to make more obscene gestures at him. Harry sighed as he went back to his rooms. As he looked back, he saw Minerva using a hot spatula on Dumbledore while screaming at him for taking his clothes off if public again. It was not long before Professor Quirrel ran into the room screaming something about being free. With that, the young man fled to St Mungos where he joined Lucius Malfoy in the room for shock therapy treatment.

When the holidays were done, things at the castle were somewhat quiet. It was one day during lunch that Lockhart stood up and made an announcement.

"I have the honor of reporting that I have killed nine different varieties of cereal," he said happily while the professors all slapped their own heads in exasperation. "When I am done, I will have killed at least one variety of each kind of cereal on the market."

"Would you like a cookie for all of that?" asked Ronald Weasley.

"Why yes I would," said Gilderoy rushing up to him. "Do you have chocolate chip? How about double stuffed?"

"Get away from me you fruitcake," yelled Ron as he and Gilderoy stated to fight over the cookies on the table. "You have your own food at the staff table you nasty fucktard."

"Weasley," snapped Minerva. "One hundred points from Gryffindor for that remark. Gilderoy, I insist that you leave that boy's plate go. You have your own food up at the staff table."

"I insist that you take your bottom lip and stretch it over that head of your and swallow," snapped Gilderoy. "I am tired of you Minerva McGonagall. You are a bitch from hell and you are in league with Harry's satanic Aunt."

"Lawsuit," said Harry and watched as a spit ball with the letter attacked to it hit Lockhart in the face. "I think I want his name as he doesn't have that much money left. Oh and I'll take his house too."

A second spit ball hit Lockhart in the nuts and Harry looked at the document.

_Congratulations Lord Potter. You have won your lawsuit._

_Sincerely,_

_Jeff the Lawyer_

"It seems to get easier each time," remarked Hermione. "The lawyer doesn't even show up anymore. All that happens is the paper shows up with some sort of torture for the loser."

"Yes well," said Harry. "I think I am going to enjoy being rich. I wonder where Draco is. He hasn't caused any problems this chapter."

"That is true," said Hermione looking around. "Oh there he is. He is getting eaten by the portrait near the door. Professor Snape is trying to pull him out of it. Did you hear what the Fat Lady did by Gryffindor Tower?"

"Dare I even ask?" remarked Harry.

"Ronald Weasley will never be able to have children," said Hermione with a giggle. "He called her a fat hog and she ended up grabbing him and pulling him into her portrait. She changed into a dominatrix costume and preceded to umm, well I won't go into detail. Suffice to say that Ronald talked in falsetto for about three hours."

"How is it that you haven't drunk acid yet due to viewing all of these things?" asked Harry looking at her in concern.

"The author of this fic wants me to stay alive and in your corner for this story," she replied. "Besides it is giving me an education on the art of torturing people."

"AH!" was all Harry said.

AUTHOR'S NOTE – OK I have my groove back. I am pleased to announce that I laughed while creating this "shitty" chapter. Thanks for the support that you are all showing me while I am working on so many stories all at once. Don't worry if some of it is confusing. It is meant to be.


	11. What Becomes of the Stupid?

**DISCLAIMER** – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

**DISCLAIMER 2** – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

**NOTE** – You guys are **AWESOME**. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will seem kind of off, and it probably will be. For those of you that are enjoying this story, it just means that you are just as twisted and warped as I am. _PLEASE NOTE that there is NO slash in this fic as of yet. There might be some in later chapters, but I am not sure. I am just concentrating on making you laugh rather than a funny story._

**NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. Thank you to all my fabulous readers that are egging me on. **A THANKS GOES TO LOLWTFROFL FOR THE BARBIE GIRL IDEA.

**Chapter 11 – What Becomes of the Stupid?**

December turned into January and Voldemort spun around and pretended to be Wonder Woman.

"Why is it that when I spin around I do not get the red, white, and blue costume that the woman was wearing?" he complained. "I am sure that I did it right."

"Are you stupid?" asked Albus. "You did it left. That is why it isn't working, you retard. You are supposed to spin the other way."

"Shut up you old, decrepit, ancient, outdated, antique, archaic excuse for a wizard," snapped Voldemort. "I know what I am doing. You don't know anything. You are just stupid and I am going to crush your head."

With that, Voldemort squinted between his thumb and forefinger and proceeded to crush Dumbledore's head.

"Whoa," said Dumbledore. "Someone woke up on the wrong side of the thesaurus this morning. What in the hell has your panties in a knot?"

"Lockhart," said Voldemort. "I caught the pervert in my underwear drawer. When I asked him what he was doing, he stated that he wanted to use my lime green lace panties. When I looked, he had all of my panties tied in knots."

"Doesn't he have a pair of his own in that color?" asked Dumbledore. "Why would he need yours?"

"Yes, he does," said Voldemort. "However, he told me that he needed a second pair to put on his head as he wanted to go in disguise for something he was doing in the castle."

"How would a pair of panties on his head constitute as a disguise?" asked Albus confused, but calculating.

"When I asked, he told me that it was to keep his face a secret," was the reply. "He said that if no one could see his face, then he could get away with the prank he was pulling."

"Did it work?" asked Dumbledore.

"No," said Voldemort. "Satan caught him. Apparently he only put the panties on his head and forgot to put clothes on the rest of his body. Therefore, she had to teach him a lesson about walking around in the nude. Plus he couldn't see where he was going and ended up banging into doors and finally ended up in the Transfiguration classroom where the fat ass old besom started screaming at him. Apparently he is grounded and he is not allowed to host a tea party for us again for a week. What an idiot he is. I really wanted to be Snow Pink this time. He mentioned he was going to be Cinderfella or something like that. You were supposed to be Sleeping Booty."

"Did you get your panties back?" asked Dumbledore. "I don't want to be Sleeping Booty. I wanted to be Bulla and the Beat."

"Please don't ask where they ended up," said Voldemort walking away a little stiffly. "Suffice to say, I was told to keep a better security on my possessions, especially my underwear."

"Well," said Dumbledore. "I have things to do. I wonder if Gilderoy would be willing to come to my party this afternoon as he can't host any of his own. I have to set things up."

With that, Dumbledore walked off humming a new song.

Meanwhile, Harry and his friends were busy discussing the potion that Severus had them brew.

"It was very easy to make that one," said Harry. "I am glad that Uncle Sev let us try it. I am amazed at how well I am doing. He says that I am at least a year if not more ahead of my classmates. I will be starting on fifth year potions next year. I can't wait."

"Did you see what happened to Draco?" asked Hermione with a grin. "That stupid dumb fuck never learns. I can't believe that he is still alive after all the shit that happens to him all the time. He just never gives up. It is like he has this compulsion to keep on getting hurt. Maybe he is into S&M. I know Weasley is. They were caught flogging each other the other day."

"I missed the last episode of Death to Draco," said Harry. "What happened this time?"

"He was busy tormenting Neville," explained Hermione. "While he was doing that, he wasn't paying attention to his own potion and what he was adding and ended up making a lust potion instead of a blood replenishing potion."

"That is a very far cry from what we were supposed to be making," stated Harry. "What ended up happening?"

"Professor Snape made him drink the potion anyway," said Hermione with a grin. "Draco turned to look at Ron Weasley and the two of them have been running around the castle since."

"How did Draco drinking the potion affect Weasley?" asked a confused Harry. "That doesn't make any sense to me."

"Draco is now in love with Ron Weasley," explained Hermione. "He wants to marry Ronald. It was a big mess as Odliesnacks started screaming something about Draco cheating on him and Dumbledore screaming at Ronald for the same reason. It got really confusing for a few minutes, but I am sure that the author of this story knows what he was picturing in his mind."

"It sounds to me like Dumbledore has the yearnings for Ronald Weasley, and Oldfarts has the yearnings for Draco," said Harry. "Then again, Dumbledore has the yearnings for everyone. So that is not all that surprising I guess. If you think about it that makes the most sense with this situation."

"Let's go down to lunch and see what is on the menu for today," suggested Blaise. "There might actually be something good today. Ever since Dumbledore has been adjusting the sewage pipes to leak into the kitchen, the elves are more determined to kill him rather than cook anything good."

The trio of students left the dungeons and headed to the Great Hall. As they were passing classroom thirteen, Albus appeared in the doorway.

"Go away midgets," he snapped. "I am about to have one of my parties and you are not invited. I would not mind if you could let me borrow your underwear though. It seems that with Gilderoy grounded and Voldiesnots unable to use his that we are short of some underwear to use."

"Uh," said Harry. "We are just passing by and you can't have your party in the middle of the hallway. Students need to pass to get to lunch. For the record, I am not a midget and I take offense to you calling me that."

"Miss Granger," said Dumbledore winking at her. "Would you like to come in and have something to eat? I made a special snack for me and Doldymort and Gilderfraud."

"No thank you," she said. "I am heading down eat in the Great Hall. What is that you are sniffing?"

"Glue man," said Dumbledore in a hippy voice. "Did you know that you can get really high on this shit? It makes your head spin around."

Harry and Hermione stood there in amazement as Dumbledore's head spun around like a top on his shoulders. When it stopped spinning Dumbledore preceded to stat blowing raspberries for no reason what so ever.

"I think we better tell someone about this," whispered Harry. "From what I can see, that is a large bottle of paste and some of it is on the plates."

"If you build it they will come," intoned Dumbledore.

At that moment, Voldemort came in and proceeded to sit at the table. He stated shoveling gobs of the paste in his mouth at one serving. Lockhart came in a few minutes later and the two of them started to fight over who got the red plate and who got the yellow one. Harry and Hermione were so shocked by the spectacle that they were unable to move. Dumbledore proceeded to give a strip tease to the other two men while encouraging them to wrestle in the pool of chocolate that was in the room. All three of them soon ignored the preteens in the hallway and started to have their interpretation of what ever it was they were doing.

Severus passed the hall and noticed that Harry and Hermione were standing there looking at something that had their total interest. Blaise had already run to the loo and was busy puking his guts up. Severus wandered over to them and glanced over their shoulders at what they were watching. His eyes grew large as he watched Dumbledore and Voldemort trying to sniff from the same glue stick while pinching each other on the ass. Lockhart was giggling while shoveling the glue into his mouth at a fast pace.

"This can't be happening," said Severus. "I can not believe that these three are at it again. Come with me Harry and Hermione. We need to go and get Minerva. She has to come and deal with this mess before any students get wild ideas. You should also see Madam Pomfrey for an Obliviate Potion."

When Minerva found out what was going on, she raced to the corridor and into the room. All three wizards were buck naked. All of them were flying high as a kite while singing lurid songs about this, that, or the other. Before she could stop them, they ran to the Great Hall. From there, they started singing Barbie Girl by Aqua. The students at first didn't know what to make of the scene. After a couple of moments, pandemonium broke out as no less that three hundred students raced out of the castle and threw themselves into the lake. Those students that didn't were busy tying sheets together to make nooses in which to hang themselves from the ceiling in the Great hall in protest. Only Harry and Hermione were unfazed by the scene. Both were wondering how and why the students had sheets in the Great Hall in the first place.

"Lady Hogwarts," said Harry with a sigh. "Can you do something about this? They have just ruined lunch. Now we have to rescue the students and prevent them from committing suicide. This is not funny anymore. Someone is seriously going to get hurt."

"Hey fat ass," called Dumbledore pointing at Minerva. "Why don't you take your clothes off and dance naked? Do you want to play poke the pee-pee? How about hide the hotdog? If that doesn't float your boat, we can always play chose the chicken."

Minerva just stood there. She was so affected by what she was seeing and hearing that she could not respond one way or the other. When the trio finished singing Barbie Girl to lurid gestures, they decided to do the YMCA by the Village People. Dumbledore decided he was going to be the Indian while Lockhart went as the leather man. Voldemort decided that he was going to be the cowboy. Ordinarily this would not be a problem. However, Dumbledore was not dressed anatomically correct. Instead of placing the head dress on his head, he inserted it into his ass. He looked more like a very sick turkey than an Indian. Harry started to bang his head on the table in disgust.

"Now Harry," said Hermione. "I though we cured you of that bad habit. It is not healthy for you to keep slamming your head into the table. We have already explained to you that either your head or the table will eventually break."

"How is it that you are not affected by this?" asked Harry again. "You should want to join our classmates by now in committing some form of suicide."

"The author has decided that I should be the hard ass of the group," she replied. "While you are the one being affected, I am the groupie that is able to endure it all. It is giving him some sort of sick twisted vibe to have me acting normal under these circumcisions."

"Circumcisions?" asked Harry looking at her. "Don't you mean circumstances?"

"NO," said Hermione pointing to Dumbledore and Voldemort. "I mean circumcision. The two of them have Lockhart and they are trying to circumcise him. They are so stupid."

"You are telling me," said Harry. "We know that he is already circumcised. It is hard to not notice that when you are presented with him running around nude all the time. I stress once more that I will be glad when this year is over with so that we can get him out of the castle. We have our hands full enough with two retarded old wizards in the castle."

"Who are you calling old?" asked Dumbledore. "I resemble that remark you midget."

"Um professor Dumbledore," said Hermione. "You are about one hundred and fifty years old. So that does make you a wrinkled old douche bag. Prunes and raisins have fewer wrinkles than you do. Might I suggest that you put some clothes on? You are fixing to have a problem that you will want to deal with soon."

"What would that be Miss Granger?" snapped Albus. "As you can see, I am as fit as a fifteen year old. Fifty million points from Gryffindor for that stupid remark."

"Your um, well," she stammered. "Your private parts are now running out of the door. I think you had better go and see about catching them if you are to continue to be an old man. It would appear that Wouldiemart has hexed them off."

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO CALL ME BY MY CORRECT NAME?" screamed the Dark Lord. "I NEVER GET ANY RESPECT AROUND HERE."

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP SCREAMING LIKE A WOMAN IN LABOR," yelled Hermione in retaliation. "YOU ARE WORSE THAN A WOMEN IN THE LAST MOMENTS OF CHILDBIRTH."

Tom decided that he was going to teach her a lesson. He walked over and wrapped his hands around her neck. The problem was that his arms had flipped upside down and instead of choking Hermione, he was chocking himself. Harry sat there with a grin on his face as he pocketed his wand.

"That ought to keep both Dumbledore and Voldemort busy for awhile," said Harry.

"Four hundred points to you Harry for that perfect transfiguration spell," said Minerva. "That ought to keep two of these bumbling fools busy for awhile. Where did Lockhart disappear to?"

"He is heading to the girls loo," said Hannah pointing down the hall.

"What for?" asked Minerva rushing around the corner.

"He said something about blowing up the toilets so that no one can use the loo," she replied. "You might want to speak to him. His newest hobby is being an axe murderer."

"Not another hobby," sighed Minerva. "I swear by the end of this year, I will have more white hair on my head than anything."

"I can always shave your head for you," said Dumbledore while chasing his penis down the hall. "That way you won't have to worry about what color it is."

Minerva didn't even bother to reply. She just resigned herself that the school was a madhouse and she was the one in charge of making sure that no one got seriously hurt. Thank goodness she could count on Harry Potter and the nameless yet still important other professors of the school.

Later that afternoon, Harry and Minerva were walking down the hall when they could hear Hermione going off on someone. When they approached the situation, they spotted Albus and Voldemort leaning up against the wall in fright as Hermione was letting loose with everything she had.

"What do you mean you are JR Ewing?" she screamed. "You are seriously going to get the author in trouble for copy right infringement. Don't you care that you are causing trouble? I mean seriously, you two are the worst sort of Professors that I have ever had the misfortune of meeting."

"You just hate me because I am beautiful," said Dumbledore. "You should really learn to control that temper of yours Satan's daughter. I was going to ask you to be Debra Fisher and play the part of Wonder Girl."

"You asshole," screamed Hermione. "Now you are stealing the line from Kelly LeBrock. For the record you retarded old shit, Debra Winger was Wonder Girl. If you are going to cause copyright infringement, at least know who you are talking about."

"Listen here Miss Smarty britches," said Dumbledore. "My name is JR Ewing and I am a star on Dynasty. Now go away before I drop a house on you or something."

"Do you think we can have her hit by the train?" asked Voldemort. "It would get one less annoying female out of the castle that is determined to undermine our deviously stupid plan."

"Miss Granger why are you screaming at these morons?" asked Minerva. "You do realize that you are facing unarmed opponents do you not?"

"They are going to end up getting us sued," shrilled Hermione. "For the record you prehistoric fossil fuel, JR Ewing played on Dallas. He did NOT play on Dynasty."

"Who are you calling a fossil fuel?" asked Voldemort indignantly. "There is no fuel here you stupid little girl."

"Oh yeah," sneered Hermione. "Then what do you call that black oily stuff that is leaking out of your ass? It sure isn't bleach."

"What are you talking about?" snapped Voldemort. "I don't feel anything leaking out of my ass. I think you are just losing your sense of know it all importance."

Harry, Hermione and Minerva all pointed to the fluid that was leaking out from behind Albus and Voldemort. The two older crackpots looked down and nodded in understanding.

"You win this round smarty drawers," said Dumbledore. "We will get you next time. I may even hex you with the Herpes spell. Yeah, I think I like that idea. If we can't get her with herpes maybe we can get her with a stool softener spell."

Dumbledore and Voldemort walked away still discussing different spells they could use on Hermione.

"Look," said Lockhart coming up. "I am Elizabeth Montgomery from the Wonder Woman series. Do you see my Golden Lasso?"

"THAT DID IT," screamed Hermione and proceeded to beat the living hell out of all three older wizards. ELIZABETH MONTGOMERY DID NOT PLAY WONDER WOMAN SHE PLAYED SMAANTHA ON BEWITCHED. THAT WAS LYNDA CARTER THAT PLAYED WONDER WOMAN. YOUR GOLDEN LASSON IS JUST YOUR PENIS PAINTED GOLD AND WE ARE TIRED OF SEEING IT. IT IS SMALLER THAN A BABY'S ANYWAY. YOU SHOULD NOT BE PROUD OF SOMETHING THAT YOU DON'T HAVE. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PENIS AND MINE IS BIGGER THAN YOURS."

"Is she on her period?" asked Voldemort through a busted mouth. "I swear the women in this castle have no sense of humor. Well I am going to go be Diana Ross. She sang the song Beat It."

Hermione growled at the stupid mistake, but Harry and Minerva held her back.

"Don't worry Hermione," said Minerva. "He will be punished. However, you should know that it might be an honest mistake. Michael Jackson does look an awful lot like her. I better quit before we get sued by the Jackson family."

"Why would they sue us?" Harry asked. "You are just telling the truth. Even Diana Ross says so."

"You guys had better quit," me as the author says. "You will get me into big trouble with someone. I am not sure who yet, but I can see some serious trouble brewing."

All three characters flipped me off and continued with their conversation like I never even existed. What a bunch of bitches. Maybe I should just replace their characters with people from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

"Harry where is your lawyer?" Hermione asked. "I think someone should sue him for not doing his job."

"Lawsuit," said Harry in a tired voice and watched as the lawyer threw himself on the floor. He watched as the lawyer picked himself up and then threw him self a second time.

"What was all of that for?" asked Hermione.

"The first time was to show me that he was suing himself for me," replied Harry. "The second time was to show me that he lost his case against me."

"Oh goody," said Hermione. "Can you give me some money? I need to wash my hair."

"Sure," said Harry. "Come on. We can get you all kinds of shampoo. Did you know that is what I got for Uncle Severus for Christmas? He was so happy that it took him three days to come out of the shower."

Minerva watched in awe as the lawyer picked himself of the floor. He handed Minerva the documents for Harry and then left the castle. By this time the terrible trio had left the room to cause mischief somewhere else in the castle. Minerva sighed and went back to her class and pretended that none of this was happening. Later, Harry noticed that she was opening a bottle of pills and popping a few.

"What are those?" he asked. "I didn't know that you were taking muggle medicine."

"They are nerve pills," she replied. "How do you think I can stay as calm as I do during all of this? I drug myself to the teeth just to be able to stand it."

"That explains a lot," said Harry patting her fondly on the arm. "Well don't let me stop you. If it keeps you in the castle and something close to sane, then that is all that matters to us. Hermione, Cedric, Neville, Blaise, Luna, and I all love you. I have to go for now. Potions are next and I don't want to miss another episode of Death to Draco. It is becoming the number one slot of daytime television these days."

"Oh I know," said Minerva. "I TiVo the program every afternoon so that I can watch in the evenings while I am grading papers. Good luck in Severus' class."

With that Harry and Blaise left and headed down to the dungeons. When they got there, the war had already started. Hermione was egging on a cauldron, Bunsen burner, three stirrers, and a bottle of poison. Each item was taking their turn pretending that Draco was the patient and they were the doctor. A set of ninja sumo wrestlers was keeping Severus back from rescuing Draco to soon. Harry looked around in disgust and sat at his table.

"I knew that I was going to miss something good," he grumbled to Hermione.

"Oh don't worry Harry," she said brightly. "The TV station is sending you an autographed copy of this episode. Apparently Draco flicked something from his nose at Neville and Neville took offense. It was pretty disgusting. I am not even sure what color to call the stuff that came out of Draco's nose. However, I would assume with as many times as his head gets dunked into something that it was bound to cause his mucus to turn colors."

"How do you know all of this?" asked Harry. "Also, how did you get to the dungeons so fast?"

"Because the author stated that I have to be a bossy know it all," replied Hermione. "As for me being here so fast, it is the only way that I have chapter time. So I get here first so that I can be a commentator. Do you think that I should sue the writer for not giving me my own spots here in this story?"

"No," said Harry. "That will just cause him to turn you into a bad guy and you could get hurt. It is best to just stay in the position that you are in and let bygones be bygones. Just be lucky that you are getting space. I am the star of this fic and I get fewer spotlights than the terrible trio and Draco."

"Good thinking," said Hermione flipping me off. "Shall we begin our potion? The instructions are on the board. Like we didn't already know that. What kind of moron doesn't even teach the class?"

"Careful Hermione," warned Harry. "It took forever to get Uncle Sev to be nice. We don't want him reverting. Then the author will start picking on him again. As far as our question, I have two names for teachers that don't teach. They are Quirrell and Lockhart. I guess if you want to get technical, Dumbedork and mouldysnot are not that great of professors either."

"HEY," said Voldemort. "I am not even getting a capitalized name anymore. This is seriously getting out of hand. I get no respect."

"HEY YOU LOT!" yelled Hermione at Draco and his problem. "CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN? SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO TALK DURING CLASS AND WE CAN'T HEAR OURSELVES. IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU COULD CAUSE PROBLEMS QUIETER DRACO MALFOY."

"Shut up mudblood," screamed Draco in pain as the cauldron lifted off the table and started hitting him in the head. "I have more concerns than being quiet at this moment. In case you haven't noticed, the three stirrers are missing and the cauldron is trying to bludgeon me to death."

"Well it is your own fault," said Hermione. "If you weren't such a spotlight hog, then these things wouldn't be happening to you. Now pipe down before I get a pipe and teach you a lesson."

"HAHAHAHA," said Voldemort. "She told you. She is the big shit these days around the castle. I think she is having a lesbian relationship with Potter's satanic Aunt."

Hermione threw a bottle labeled "Essence of Dumbledore's Farts" and threw it at Voldemort. It shattered and encased the stupid wizard in the obnoxious smell.

"WAS THAT REALLY NECESSARY MISS GRANGER?" thundered Severus. "You have just caused half the class to pass out from the smell. Who in their right mind would bottle something that atrocious in the first place? YOU ARE SERIOSULY A TWISTED LITTLE GIRL."

"MISS THANG," yelled Hermione back. "DONNA COP A TUDE WITH ME. I WILL BEAT SOME SENSE INTO YOU IF YOU DO."

"Hermione," said Harry. "When did you learn to talk street?"

"Yesterday," she answered. "I think it makes a difference. Didn't you notice that he backed down?"

"I think it has to do with Aunt Petunia in the doorway," said Harry pointing. "She is busy yelling at everyone. While you were yelling at Uncle Sev, she grabbed Voldemort and gave him a beating. The street slang did no good. You should really not use it anymore."

"Damn," muttered Hermione. "I spent weeks trying to translate it. Oh well. Maybe we can learn another language."

Later that day, a scene was happening in the hallway near the Charms class. Voldemort was toe to toe with Minerva.

"Wai Yu Mun Ching," asked Voldemort.

"What did you just say to me?" asked Minerva. "If it was something bad I am going to beat you to a bloody pulp.

"I think that was Chinese," said Hermione speaking up. "If I translated it correctly he said 'I thought you were on a diet."

"Don't be stupid Hermione," said Harry trying to avoid another fight. "It was 'What you munching'."

"Oh I know," said Hermione. "I just wanted her to beat the hell out of him again. I get my rocks off when she does that."

"You do realize that you are seriously disturbed," he replied. "I think watching all of these scenes have knocked a few screws loose in your head."

"You are probably right," admitted Hermione. "However I am still a top grade student and I am still having fun. So what's your point?"

"I guess I didn't really have one," said Harry. "Have you noticed that the rest of the Weasley family has not gotten any publicity yet in this story?"

"That is because Ginny is trapped in the Chamber of Secrets," said Hermione. "Apparently she is the Madam of a whore house and she is down there. Really Harry. You should pay better attention to your surroundings. Fred and George are her pimps. They bring her and the other girls business."

"Aren't they kind of young to be whores?" asked Harry. "She is only eleven."

"They don't have sex you pedophile," said Hermione. "Good Golly! Will you give this story a better rating? They play Parcheesi, monopoly, scrabble, and patty cake down there."

"So how does that make her a whore?" asked Harry rubbing his head as he felt a head ache coming on.

"That is simple," said Hermione with a smile. "She is a Lily Potter want to be and the author of this story hates her, Bella Swan and Jessica Stanley."

"Who are Bella Swan and Jessica Stanley?" asked Harry really rubbing his head. "Wait! Don't answer that question. I really don't want to know. I need a headache relief potion. This fic is giving me a head ache."

"That is because you are always so busy banging your head on hard surfaces," said Luna. "We warned you about that. Did you know that grass is green?"

"Yes Luna I knew that," mumbled harry. "I think Voldietarts has a game of Red Rover going. He wants you on the opposing team. You might want to hurry before you are late."

"Good thinking Harry," she chirped happily. "I love that game, especially when my team wins. We get a bonus when we win."

"I am going to regret this," said Harry. "What do you get when you win?"

"We get to raid Voldiefloor's underwear drawer and take what we want," she replied. "I got a pair of neon yellow lace panties the last time we played."

By now Harry had such a bad headache that he was sure he was going to pass out. Madam Pomfrey came along with her cart of potions and handed one to Harry. He downed it gratefully and handed her the empty vial back.

"Aunt Poppy," said Harry. "Why are you rolling a cart of potions around the school?"

"Harry," she replied. "For such an intelligent person, that was the stupidest question ever asked. I do this because Dumblefloor, Oldieflops, and Lockedup are always up to something. Half of the potions are Obliviate Potions. Others vials are pain relievers, Head Ache Potions, and Stomach Soothers. I even have acid in some of these for people to pour onto their brains to forget permanently what they witnessed. Now, if you don't have any more questions, Dopeysnarks and Lockfart are putting on a puppet show in the Divination Tower. They are using Dumbledore as a puppet. You really don't want to know where they shoved the sticks."

"This year is dragging by," said Harry. "Hermione, who are you taking to the Valentines Day ball?"

"I am going with a stag," she replied offhandedly.

"Don't you mean you are going stag?" he asked confused.

"No," she said. "I am going with a stag. Why would I want to go alone? That would make me a loser wouldn't it? Who are you going with?"

"I was going to ask you," he said. "As you are already going with someone, I think I will ask Aunt Petunia to go with me. She wants me to get together with Cedric, but I told her that this fic is not supposed to be a slash."

"Wise thinking Harry," said Hermione patting him on the head. "Though, you should really start dating Cedric. He looks great in tight jeans."

"I SWEAR THAT PEOPLE ARE REALLY PERVERTS," roared Harry. "I AM ONLY TWELVE. I CAN'T DATE RIGHT NOW."

"Sure you can," said Hermione. "I am dating Neville. Why can't you date Cedric? Just because you don't have hormone problems yet doesn't mean you can't be interested in someone."

"As true as that statement may be," said Harry. "I stress once more that this fic is NOT supposed to be about my love life. Why are you going with a stag if you are dating Neville?"

"I think it is too late now Harry," said Hermione seriously. "The cat is already out of the bag. I am going with a stag, because Neville said he is not going. He mentioned something about not wanting to see Dumbledick and Smoldershorts having sex again. That seriously disturbed him."

"What makes you say that?" he asked. "Let's get back to my problem as I don't have time for Neville's."

"Voldieparts, Dumbledick, and Lockflock have already heard this conversation and are making banners for the school," she said pointing. "Plus, now all of the readers of this fic know that Cedric and you are supposed to be a couple in later chapters."

"But," he said. "I am only twelve."

"He is only fifteen," said Hermione. "It is against the law for the author to go into explicit sexual descriptions regarding any minors. So you have nothing to worry about until you turn at least sixteen."

"Fine," said Harry. "What do you think will happen in the next chapter?"

"I am not sure," said Hermione. "You may want to be ready for anything. This author and his mother are nuts. You will never know what will happen when those two put their minds together and comes up with something."

"Good point," said Harry. "Oh alright. We shall see you readers in the next chapters. Until then have a great day."

"Ya'll come back now," said Hermione. "Ya hear?"

"Wasn't that the Beverly Hillbillies?" asked Harry as the scene faded.

AUTHOR'S NOTE – ok there we go, another chapter for this ridiculous fic. I am glad that so many of you are enjoying this. I will update again soon. Thanks for the reviews that you all are pouring in. It is my goal to pass up My Cullen with this story in popularity and such. With this only being the 11th chapter, I am well on my way. Thanks for everything.


	12. Here We Go Loopty Loop

**DISCLAIMER** – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

**DISCLAIMER 2** – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

**NOTE** – You guys are **AWESOME**. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will seem kind of off, and it probably will be. For those of you that are enjoying this story, it just means that you are just as twisted and warped as I am. _PLEASE NOTE that there is NO slash in this fic as of yet. There might be some in later chapters, but I am not sure. I am just concentrating on making you laugh rather than a funny story._

**NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. Thank you to all my fabulous readers that are egging me on. Thanks goes to ffanfiction for the Ray Stevens idea.**

**Chapter 12 – Here We Go Loopty Loop**

"Oh hey," said Harry. "It looks like we are back for another episode of Brain Tumors for Life. In this chapter, the author wants you all to know that it is none of your business why Dumbledore wants to get into my vaults. However, I am Harry Potter and I will tell you anyway. The manipulative old fart wants something that my dad left in there. Apparently, there was some sort of magical device that gives the user a rush."

"Rush, Rush," sang Lockhart. "Hurry, hurry lover come to me. Rush, Rush."

"Shut up," said Voldemort slapping him. "This isn't a Paula Abdul concert. Your singing is worse than Dumbledore's gas when he says that boy's name."

"Harry Potter," called Dumbledore ignoring his fart. "Have you decided to stop suing me yet?"

"That is a negative Ghost Rider," said Harry. "I will stop suing you on the day that you stop running around in the nude making the students want to kill themselves. I will stop suing you on the day that Hermione stops being a know it all bitch. I will stop suing you on the day that you and Poldyparks stops having sex where people can see it."

"So what are you going to do about the situation with Gilesnoy?" asked Albus. "Don't you think that we should do something about his inept teaching abilities?"

"POT," said Harry loudly. "THIS IS KETTLE. It isn't like you have a lot of room to talk. The only thing you have taught us this year is how to stick items up your bum, how to sniff glue, how to cause students to commit suicide, and how to rid the castle of all living and some dead occupants."

"It is not my fault that the castle cast a spell that makes the fart joke get old," snapped Dumbledore. "It is not my fault that I pass gas every time I say Harry Potter."

"Did you know that Hermione is bottling the stuff so that we can use it in case we go to war with an offending nation?" asked Harry ignoring the smell. "She calls it germ warfare or something like that. I swear that girl knows too much about everything."

"That is what happens when your only love is books," said Dumbledore intelligently for once. "She is going to be an old maid when she gets older. No one will love her and she will be single for the rest of her miserable satanic life."

"HEY," snapped Harry slapping him. "She is dating Neville and it is inappropriate for you to talk about a student like that. She will sue you if you try something like that again."

"What is she going to get?" asked Dumbledore. "You have already taken me to the cleaners."

"That is your own fault and you know it," said Harry. "If you keep it up we will start taking alphabets out of your name as payment for what you owe. By the way, why are we having a civil conversation? Shouldn't you be somewhere else causing problems?"

"Yes," said Dumbledore. "I forgot to finish packaging all the shit to send to the Ministry. I need someone to help me wrap the boxes."

"What's in the boxes?" asked Harry confused. "I can get some people to help you."

"Are your ears clogged?" asked Albus angrily. "Do you need a q-tip? Take out the ear wax. Make a candle. I said I was packing the shit to send to the Ministry."

"Do you mean to tell me that you are sending feces to the Ministry of Magic?" asked Harry shocked.

"You really are a stupid person," said Albus walking away. "Stupid children can't listen when people talk to them or about them. It makes me want to dump rabid dogs on them."

Harry let that comment go by as he headed to the Great Hall for diner. Time was fleeting and he still didn't have dress robes for the Valentine's Day dance. Petunia came in later as if on cue and brought him some pale green robes to try on. He loved the style and color. He was glad that they fit.

Soon the dance was upon them. Harry entered the Great Hall with his date and sat down at one of the many small tables. Hermione came in a few minutes later with a stag. She was wearing grey robes. What floored Harry and Cedric so much, was her hairstyle.

"Hermione?" asked Harry. "Why is your hair standing straight up on your head?"

"I was in the tub taking a bath when voldierot ran in and threw a toaster that was plugged in into the water with me," she answered. "It gave me an electrical shock and my hair refuses to lie back down. So for now, I am going to pretend that it is an afro and go along with all of the bruthas and sistas."

Harry took her head and placed her into a headlock.

"What have I told you about talking street?" he said as some of her hair broke off and hit the floor. "You are seriously going to get the author in trouble with your racism."

"I wasn't being racist Harry," said Hermione trying to stand back up. "I was just using some slang. Blaise and Dean don't have a problem with it and they are black."

"That is beside the point," said Harry. "They are characters in a fic. Oh never mind. It is like talking to Dumblefork and moldysnot. They don't listen either. For the record Hermione, this castle doesn't have electricity. Therefore, he could not have thrown a plugged in toaster into the bath with you. That was a seriously bad lie designed to get them into trouble. Trust me when I tell you that they do not need your assistance to get into trouble."

"I get a kick out of seeing them get beat up," said Hermione. "Is it so wrong to idolize your Aunt? I want to be a wrestling champion when I get older as well. I will be the Fabulous Moola."

"You can't," said Harry. "That name is already taken and she is the first woman to be entered into the Wrestling Hall of Fame. If you use that name, you will get sued for copy write infringement. Doesn't anyone in this fic understand that and come up with something unique and different?"

"Is this a new fad?" asked Luna pointing at Hermione. "I want to join in as well."

With that she pointed her wand at her hair and caused it to stand straight up on her head. Dumbledore stood up near the staff table.

"I have an announcement to make," he called to the gathered students.

"So what," Millicent said. "We don't give a damn. Shut up and sit down. You are a pest and should be hit with a can of raid."

Harry turned around and gave Cedric and Luna a look of horror. No sooner had Millie finished those words then close to four hundred cans of raid flew at the head Master effectively shutting him up. Then again, it is hard to talk when you are passed out cold.

"Was that really necessary?" asked Harry. "He only wanted to give us some nonsensical sentence that has absolutely no merit what so ever to the story."

"Look at it this way Harry," said Severus. "With him being unconscious, he is out of trouble for the moment and your life will be easier at least for a couple of hours."

"Now that you mention it," said Harry thoughtfully. "I think you should all throw another can just in case he twitches or something. The longer we keep him unconscious, the longer his clothes stay on his body. I swear sometimes with the way he runs around in the nude that we are in a Ray Stevens song."

With that, fifty students got up and started singing. 'Oh yes they call him the streak. Buggidy, buggidy. Fastest thing on two feet. He's always making the news, wearing just his tennis shoes. Yes you can call him unique.'

Harry gave a sigh and turned back to his friends. This was really getting out of hand.

Days later, Harry and his friends were sitting together at the table when Dumbledore, Lockhart, and Voldemort all entered. All three of them were wearing dresses and makeup. Each one had a wig that made them look like they had beehives on their heads.

"What are the three of you up to now?" asked Minerva. "This had better not be another plot to overthrow the school and take over. We are running a school here and not a clown academy."

"We are the Rhea Sister," said Dumbledore. "We are here to put on a show for you all."

"I have never heard of the Rhea Sisters," said Hermione out loud. "Who are they?"

"My name is Diar Rhea," said Lockhart.

"My name is Sebor Rhea," said Dumbledore.

"My name is Gono Rhea," said Voldemort.

"Thus we are the Rhea Sisters," they said in unison.

"That is disgusting," said Harry. "That is the stupidest thing that I have ever heard. You three should all be quartered and drawn."

"I don't get it," said Neville. "Who are the Rhea Sisters?"

"They don't exist," said Harry. "Think about it. Those are all muggle sexually transmitted diseases as well as one bad bodily function."

"What are you talking about Harry?" asked Cedric. "We were not raised around muggles."

"Gonorrhea, Seborrhea, and Diarrhea," he said. The Rhea Sisters. Each one of these morons has names themselves after a human illness. Each one of these clowns should be shot for their absurdity and stupidity."

"It was clever if you think about it," said Hermione thoughtfully. "They came up with something totally unique. At least this time, they have clothes on and aren't running the naked joke into the ground anymore. I think it is an improvement even if it is disturbing."

"Yes the readers are probably getting tired of picturing Dumble, and smoldysnort naked all the time," admitted Harry with a sigh. "I just wish that people weren't so twisted. This way the author could clean up this fic somehow."

"Why would you want him to do that?" asked Cedric. "If you clean it up, then people will not want to read it anymore. Isn't the point of the author writing weird things, is to make the readers laugh and come back for more?"

"Yes," said Harry. "We want them to laugh. We don't want them to throw up, gouge out their eyes, or any other reason to visit the emergency room."

"Oh hush Harry," said Hermione. "You are just upset that they are getting more acknowledgement than you are in this story. Just sit back and enjoy the ride. At least with these three, this year is flying by pretty fast. In the next portion of this ridiculous fic, we can save your godfather from prison."

"How do you know that?" asked Harry.

"The author told me," she replied with a smirk. "I know about some of the things that are going to happen in the next book and the one following it."

"You are seriously disturbed," said Harry. "I guess we do need that to keep the story flowing with all of the funnies."

Dumbledore proceeded to start singing and the students all shoved lethal objects into their ears to void out the sound. Poppy slapped him for his absurdity and took out her wand to repair all of the damage.

"DUMBLEDORE," yelled Hermione. "YOU SUCK."

"FIVE THOUSAND POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR," Dumbledore yelled back. "THAT OUGHT TO TEACH YOU TO YELL AT THE FABULOUS DIANA ROSS."

"Are you ever going to tell him that you are not in Gryffindor?" asked Harry looking at her. "You do realize that thanks to you, they have lost loads of points."

"Nah," she said. "This way they lose the points and Ravenclaw has a chance at winning the house cup. The castle still refuses to let Severus play favorites with the Slytherins and Draco always has the Hufflepuffs in the negative for points. Gryffindor was our only competition this year."

"Sometimes I think I am in a fairy tale story," mumbled Harry.

"REALLY," said Hermione. "What ever gave you that impression? You don't exist expect on paper. What makes you think any of this is real?"

"You really are a cruel individual," said Harry. "Thanks for taking a shot at my self esteem. Really, that was the nicest thing you have done for me yet. With friends like you, I don't need enemies. What a bitch."

"You are very welcome," she replied. "I am glad that I could be of help."

"What is Lockhart up to?" asked Harry and they passed the DADA professor in the hall. "It looks like he is in a fight with someone or rather something and they are muggle dueling."

"Is that Fang?" asked Hermione as they got closer and witnessed the dog stand up and give Lockhart a sound right hook. "I didn't know Hagrid's dog could fight like that. He is like another Mike Tyson. That punch just knocked Lockhart clean out. I always did say that dog was not all that he claimed to be."

"You should not have been in Ravenclaw," said Harry. "That sentence was one of the dumbest things I have heard today. There should be a fifth house for idiots. Maybe Lockhart, Dumbledumb, and moldymart would have all been tied for Head of House."

"Don't make me hex you Harry Plopper," said Hermione. "I know some really good ones that will make your hair curl little girl, not that it needs it."

"Did you just call me a girl?" asked Harry. "Also, you stole that line from Rita Skeeter from the Goblet of Fire book. JK Rowling will sue you for copy write infringement."

"What is with you and copy write infringement?" asked Cedric. "You are like the police or something. Give it a rest Harry. All the readers know that the author doesn't own anything in this story. So what if the characters are using lines from different songs, books, and other media. They are getting credit after all. Just chill man."

"It is getting rather boring to keep repeating myself," admitted Harry. "Ok I will not say anything more about it. I am sure by now that the readers know that the author is insane."

"That is putting it mildly," said Hermione. "I mean, where does he come up with all of this stuff? He hasn't even mentioned the basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets."

"Oh yeah," said Harry. "I forgot to tell you. The diary and Voldienots got into a fight."

"What happened?" asked Cedric.

"Well obviously Voldirots lost," he replied. "The diary beat the cold living hell out of him. It was like the diary was possessed or something."

"CUE IN THE CRICKETS," said Hermione. "How lame was that Harry?"

"Fine," said Harry. "Anyway, Voldemort invaded Ginny's turf in the Chamber and she and the twins took offense to that."

"So what happened?" asked Hermione.

"Well the Weasley twins started to prank him," said Harry. "For three days, volmold had to do the Hokey Pokey and turn your self around."

"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT," chorused no less than three hundred students and four teachers.

"HEY, HEY, HEY," shouted Harry. "Do you mind? I am having a private conversation here during class time. Keep it down. You are disturbing me. ANYWAY, the basilisk was tired of being interrupted while he was after Filch's cat. So it moved out of the castle. I received a postcard the other day from it. It is in Hawaii enjoying a peaceful life. It told me to tell the rest of the characters that it refused to eat something as disgusting as Ginny Weasley and that we should poison ourselves just for thinking about it."

"Um Harry," said Hermione pointing to the edge of the forest. "I think we have another problem. It would appear that Lockhart has managed to piss off the creatures of the forest."

"Is that a unicorn pissing on him?" asked Harry in awe. "I didn't realize that they had such large bladders."

"That isn't the worst of it," muttered Cedric. "Dumbledore and voldiemap are making mud pies with it. It is kind of gross if you think about it. I would caution everyone to not accept anything that those two have to offer to eat for awhile. The results could be seriously disturbing to say the least."

"The elves are still getting even with Dumbledope," said Harry. "Now he has to eat green food for each meal even if it isn't a green food."

"I noticed that yesterday at breakfast," said Hermione. "He ordered eggs and ham and they were green."

"Shall we wait for the readers to catch the joke?" asked Harry.

"I am sure that they got the green eggs and ham joke," assured Cedric. "At least it was better than when his food was running from him."

"What do you mean?" asked Harry. "I think I was with Aunt Petunia for that one or something."

"The other day," explained Hermione. "His food refused to let him eat it at all. Every time he took a bite, he belched and the morsels that were on his plate would escape him and run away in fright. He had to keep on replacing the food on his plate because it ran away from him so that it didn't have to hear or smell him belch."

"Wouldn't you?" asked Harry amused. "His bodily functions don't smell all that grand. It probably has something to do with him being prehistoric and stuff."

The trio made their way to COMC where they witnessed Lockhart and a unicorn giving a fencing demonstration. As usual, Lockhart was claiming to be an expert and was losing to the animal.

"NO, NO, NO, NO," said Harry. "Professor McGonagall will not be happy. Dumbledore and boldybock is up to it again. What in the world is Dumbledore wearing?"

"It looks like a dog collar," said Hermione. "Are they playing fetch?"

"YES," said Harry. "That is the problem. That is all that he is wearing. Here they go again with the whole nude scenario around the students thing, again. Some wrinkled old farts just don't get that the joke is tired and run into the ground. We should put them in turtleneck sweaters and have pants up to their tits with a tight belt. Then we wont have to see those things they call genitals."

"At least they are playing fetch and not some twisted sex game," said Cedric. "I won't go into detail as it could get quite disgusting."

"Good thinking," said Harry. "We don't want to gross out the readers of this story any further than they already are. Do you think we should go and tell Professor McGonagall?"

"I don't think that will be necessary," said Hermione pointing. "She is already acting like a rabid pit-bull."

"Hey lard ass," called Dumbledore. "How about you get jiggy with it and take off those clothes and join us here? We need someone to be our human dining room table for our sexy party later."

"Great," muttered Harry. "There goes a Family Guy quote. Next we will see Stewie running around with a bunch of women in their underwear."

"Just as long as we have you telling everyone where it all comes from, then we are safe from lawsuits," said Hermione patting him on the head. "I think someone had better do something before Professor McGonagall kills one of them. I don't think she appreciated being called a fat ass."

"Five hundred points from Slytherin," screamed Lockhart running by with a herd of unicorns chasing him. "I heard that Miss Granger."

"There you have it," said Harry. "Ravenclaw will win the house cup for sure now. It is the only house that is not losing points because of you. I wonder why no one remembers what house you are in."

"I keep changing my house insignia on my robes," said Hermione. "That way no one remembers what is going on."

"That explains so much," said Harry sarcastically. "Don't you think that someone will catch on eventually?"

"Well one has to be smart to be in Ravenclaw," said Hermione with a smirk. "I have been doing this all year."

Later that evening, the trio was sitting down to eat dinner when music started. Dumbledore came into the room and proceeded to start a strip number while singing.

"I'm too sexy for my robes, to sexy for my robes, to sexy," he chanted.

Soon there were a line of people standing there with all sorts of weapons.

"YOU ARE NOT RIGHT SAID FRED," screamed Hermione. "WHAT HAS PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL TOLD YOU ABOUT DOING STRIP NUMBERS IN THE GREAT HALL?"

"Listen here little Satan," snapped Dumbledore. "I am the Head Giver and I can do what I want?"

"Uh," said Harry. "Don't you mean Head Master?"

"Don't tell me what I mean Harry Fotter," snapped Dumbledore handing his head to Lockhart. "See? I meant Head Giver. The readers just need to get their minds out of the gutter."

"Thank goodness for that," said Hermione wiping her brow. "I thought that the rating on this fic was going to go to rated R."

"So did I," admitted Harry. "I was going to have to call in the big guns if it had."

"You mean that Satanic Aunt of yours?" asked the head of Dumbledore. "She needs to stay out of the castle. Things are so much funner when she isn't around."

"Don't you mean you get beat up less when she isn't around?" asked Harry. "You do realize that is your own fault when that happens."

"Whatever," Dumbledore said. "I am old enough to do what I want. I don't need some lesbian woman telling me what I can and can't do."

"LAWSUIT," called Harry.

A pile of shit with a note hit Dumbledore in the face with a note attached to it. That sentence is confusing, isn't it?

_Dear Dumbeldor_

_As a result of your recent loss in the lawsuit, you are no longer allowed to have an e at the end of your name. We do not call people a lesbian for no reason. That is rude._

_PS – The next lawsuit will result in the loss of the r in your name and so forth until you don't have any letters left._

_Jeff the lawyer_

"Well," said Harry. "That ought to teach you."

"I am getting tired of you suing me," said Dumbledor. "I insist that you desist this instantly."

"Shove it up your ass Dumbledor," said Hermione. "He doesn't have to do anything."

"I already have Miss Smarty panties," he replied. "It has been in there for days. Five hundred points from Hufflepuff."

"Will you stop that?" asked Harry. "You do realize that the castle is not allowing the point reductions. The only people who are seriously losing loads of points are Draco and Ronald Weasley."

"I wonder why we haven't had a Draco scene in awhile?" murmured Cedric.

"I think it is due to the fact that Professor Snape hasn't been able to get him out of his cauldron lately," said Hermione. "He has been in his last one for the last three days after trying to poison half of Gryffindor. I think his mother mentioned something about shooting him and putting everyone out of their misery with him."

"Can't she just trade him in for a different child?" asked Neville. "It would be better for her if she can just get a new son."

"If he were a pet or a car then that would be acceptable," said Harry. "She can't very well put him back where he came from. That would be quite painful not to mention disturbing."

"There is nothing in this story that isn't disturbing," said Cedric.

"Well that is true," said Harry. "Shall we end this chapter on this note?"

"I think we should," said Hermione.

"Well," said Harry. "I guess we will see you all another time. Goodbye folks."

AUTHOR'S NOTES – This is the last chapter in this fic. I am just out of funny things to write. I really want to concentrate on my other fics and this is just out of control. I have lost my fun vibe with it and I don't want to disappoint you further.


	13. I Can't Take Anymore

**DISCLAIMER** – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

**DISCLAIMER 2** – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

**NOTE** – You guys are **AWESOME**. I will do my best to keep this story funny and amusing. It will seem kind of off, and it probably will be. For those of you that are enjoying this story, it just means that you are just as twisted and warped as I am. _PLEASE NOTE that there is NO slash in this fic as of yet. There might be some in later chapters, but I am not sure. I am just concentrating on making you laugh rather than a funny story._

**NOTE 2 – A HUGE thank you goes to my mom for a part in this story. The woman taught me all I know about being twisted. Thank you to all my fabulous readers that are egging me on. **

**Chapter 13 – I Can't take It Anymore**

Hi all and welcome back to as strange as it gets. Last time we entered the story we had three crackpots going around and causing mayhem wherever they went. We are here today to see what became of our miscreants and what new hell they have inflicted on Hogwarts.

"Harry I think you need to come here," called Hermione. "There is a problem in the Great Hall again."

"What is going on this time?" he asked out of curiosity. "I don't think I can take another episode of those that are stupid."

"Well I think Professor McGonagall is about to strangle the daylights out of DumDum, Vollysmarts, and Lockfart," she replied. "Your Aunt might have to come to the school again and keep her from going on a killing spree."

"Why are you bothering me with this," he asked angrily. "You know how to contact her just as easy as I do. She would come on the run if she knew that something was amiss in the school. She always does. She was the best thing that has happened to this school since we came here."

"I really think you should come and offer Professor McGonagall some moral support," insisted Hermione. "You are the heir of the founders after all."

"Very well," sighed Harry as he followed her out of the room. "Lead the way. We can always grab a house elf along the way to get Aunt Petunia for us."

When they got to the Great Hall they paused. Both Harry and Hermione were floored by what they were seeing. Dumbledore was sitting there looking like Captain Kirk. Voldemort was acting like Mr. Data and Lockhart was dressed like Lieutenant O'Hura. He was even attempting to do the fan dance. Unfortunately for those watching it was obscene and rude.

"Why is there a Star Trek stage set up in the Great Hall?" asked Harry to Professor McGonagall. "Should this even be allowed here?"

"Is that what this nonsense is?" she asked angrily. "I heard they were up to something but I couldn't figure out what it was."

"Will you three shut up?" yelled Dumbledore. "We are trying to fight the Borg here. Get out of the way of my viewing screen."

"DID YOU JUST TELL ME TO SHUT UP ALBUS DUMBLEDOR?" screamed McGonagall conjuring a bullwhip. "There is only three days left of school and you three are still causing all sorts of mayhem around here. I have had enough and I am going to teach you all a lesson."

"SCOTTY!" called Dumbledore. "Please beam our prisoners to the quarantine station. They are on the bridge and are causing trouble."

Everyone looked around for a person named Scotty. When they didn't disappear, Dumbledore went to the side room and pulled a boy out by his ear and became to berate and shake him.

"Why do you never listen to what I tell you?" snapped the old man. "I am the Captain of this vessel and I told you to get the riff raff off the main deck. I will have you court marshaled for this."

By this time Minerva, Severus and Filius all had their wands trained on Dumbledore. A Stinging Hex, A silencing Charm, and an Impedimenta Jinx, all hit the old wizard.

"We are not going to tell you again about man handling the students," said Minerva pulling out her paddle and nodding to Filius and Severus to make Albus assume the position.

Ten minutes, and one hundred whacks with the paddle later and Dumbledore was sent to his room. When they looked around Voldemort and Lockhart had disappeared. Minerva pulled out her wand and caused the scene to disappear. She sent the student to Poppy to make sure that he was alright. With a sigh the students and teachers went to their rooms for the night.

The next day there was a new headache to deal with. Lockhart had made a few stick hand thingies and was going around the castle shouting at the top of his lungs trying to sell his products.

"BUTT SCRATCHERS," he yelled. "GET YOUR BUTT SCRATCHER. A BUTT SCRATCHER FOR YOU PARRY NOTTER?"

"No thanks," said Harry looking shocked at Lockhart. "I don't think I want one thanks. They stink like they have already been used."

"BUTT SCRATCHER," said Lockhart a little more forcefully. "BUTT SCRATCHER!"

"I said no you fruitcake," said Harry more forcefully. "I don't want something that has already been used and I don't want something that will be used near my bum. Now get away from me before I have you arrested for assault."

"Of course they have been used you stupid little boy," snapped Gilderoy. "We have to test the product before we can sell it now don't we?"

"That is just disgusting and a lot disturbing," said Harry backing away. "Get away from me now before I let loose and make you regret it."

Dumbledore and Voldemort both came up screaming about Butt Scratchers. When they saw Harry alone in the hallway all three converged on the young man demanding that he buy a butt scratcher. 

"I said that I don't want one," yelled Harry making a warding gesture with his hands. "Get away from me."

No sooner had his hands come down when one hundred angry cats descended on the terrible trio and started scratching them. All three older wizards took off running from the animals while screaming in pain. Hermione was laughing at the scene as some of the angry spitting cats were lions and tigers.

"This is the Harry that we all love," she said coming around the corner holding on to a laughing Cedric. "We knew that you could handle the situation."

"Why were you hiding around the corner?" asked Harry when he looked at them. "I could have used your help just now."

"We have already been hit by them," said Cedric. "They are badgering the staff and students to buy the stupid things. According to them now that you have all of their money, they have to do something to get some back."

"By selling used pieces of wood to scratch your bum?" asked Harry incredulously. "That is just disgusting. I am sure they used those things on themselves. Have they sold any so far?"

"Quirrel, Lucius, Draco, and Ronald Weasley have all bought one," said Hermione. "Crabbe and Goyle have also bought one. We aren't sure why though. We are trying to get the students to stop encouraging them, but we know they enjoy it as much as I do when they get beaten up."

"That figures," grumbled Harry. "Just next time when you see all three of them attacking me at once could you please get help of some sort? It could have been much worse."

"Of course we can Harry," said Cedric draping an arm over his shoulders. "Aunt Petunia would never forgive us if something happened to you."

"When did you all start calling her Aunt Petunia?" asked a confused Harry.

"Most of the students do it," said Hermione. "My mother is Aunt Jean. We also have Aunt Molly and Aunt Narcissa. They are the ones that are doing the most to protect us. They all agreed that we should just call them Aunt."

"Harry?" called Minerva coming down the hall towards the trio. "Do you know anything about the terrible trio and a horde of angry cats running around the grounds?"

"Yes I do Aunt Minerva," admitted Harry. "They were pushing their butt scratchers on me and I got upset when all three cornered me. You know how my magic gets when I am in some sort of danger. It is even worse when it is Malfoy or those three. When I brought my hands down the cats came out of now where and started after them."

"Four hundred points to you for being able to finally get them out of the castle," said Minerva walking away with a smile. "It is the first time we can keep them out of the castle for a bit."

Of course the good vibe would not last. The next morning when they entered the Great Hall they were surprised to see what was equivalent to a three ring circus in the room. Voldemort was swinging from a swing hanging from the ceiling while screaming.

"I AM A BIRD," he yelled. "POLLY WANTS A CRACKER. FEED ME BITCHES."

"What did he just call everyone?" asked Minerva pulling out her wand. "Did he say what I think he just said?"

"I think he called us all bitches," said Hermione quickly pulling out her own wand. "I think he was really talking to you though Aunt Minerva."

"That is what I thought also," said Minerva casting a cutting hex on the ropes and watched as Voldemort flew out of the window.

Hermione was giggling at the scene before her.

"That is one hundred points from Slytherin Miss Granger," said Dumbledore. "You will not get other people in trouble. He was not calling anyone a bitch. It is just an expression."

"I have warned you people about using street slang," said Harry. "It is NEVER in good taste and it is poor grammar to boot."

"I agree with Harry," said Hermione. "That was in poor taste. Professor McGonagall is doing here best to run a school here and you three are causing trouble. It is time for all of this to end."

"YOU were egging them on," pointed out Harry. "You are always egging them on to get them into trouble. I have told you they don't need your help for that as you can plainly see. They are quite skilled at it all on their own."

"Mind you own business midget," said Dumbledore again. "One hundred points from Hufflepuff for sticking your nose where it doesn't belong."

"Do you even know what house your students are in?" asked a curious Harry in spite of himself. "You have just taken points from her twice and for different houses. How is that fair to the other houses when you aren't even attempting to take points from the correct house. It isn't like the castle is allowing it anyway. At least not from you three."

"What is your point little boy?" asked Dumbledore. "You are such a pain in the ass Potter. I will take one thousand points from you and I will also make sure that you are removed from the chocolate frog cards."

"Does he even know that you aren't on the cards?" asked Cedric quietly.

"Who knows what is going on in his mind," commented Severus while attempting to assist Minerva is righting the Great Hall so that the students could get in to eat. "I think he has finally lost all of his marbles."

"He didn't lose them," said Gilderoy. "I have been stealing them."

"NOT THOSE KIND OF MARBLES YOU DING BAT," yelled Hermione. "He meant his mental facilities you imbecile."

"Miss Granger," admonished Minerva holding her chest. "Ten points will be deducted from Ravenclaw for that outburst. I have already told you that you are fighting with unarmed opponents."

"Sorry Professor," said a sheepish Hermione. "I tend to forget that all three of them are fit for the loony bin."

"Quite understandable," replied Minerva. "You really should stop yelling at people. Leave that for us adults. We are more than capable of yelling at them."

"Stupid mudblood," sneered Draco. "She has to stick her nose everywhere it doesn't belong."

By the time that he finished his sentence, Draco spun off the floor and was lifted all the way to the ceiling where his head went through the roof and he was hanging by his head from the ceiling.

"Harry," remarked Minerva. "Please head up to the next floor and place a Silencer on Mr. Malfoy. Make sure it is a strong one as I don't want to hear from him for the rest of the school term. He has already failed his courses again and will have to repeat first year again next year. As if he has any room to talk about anyone sticking their noses into people's business. I spend half my time rescuing him from inanimate objects and ghosts."

"Is he even going to be allowed next year?" asked a confused Severus as Harry left to do her bidding. "The boy spends more time in trouble than in the class room."

"We need something to keep us amused don't we?" asked Minerva with a grin. "While it may be more work to rescue him all the time, he does make for a good laugh at his stupidity. Mr. Weasley will be repeating second year. So we have another one that we need to keep watch on."

"Wait," said Hermione. "Are you telling me that Draco is repeating his first year while we are moving to third year?"

"That is correct Miss Granger," replied Severus. "He has failed each and every class again for not only not completing the work required, but is never learning the material in the first place due to always fighting with his equipment. Let's not forget that he is not in the classes half the time anyway."

"I must have missed something somewhere," said Hermione. "What is the latest on the Draco Saga?"

"He was picking on Mr. Longbottom again in Herbology when the plants decided to treat him like a muggle magician's dart board."

"What do you mean?" asked a confused Hermione.

"You know the trick where they have the woman on the board and they throw knives at her?" asked Severus.

"But they don't," said Hermione shocked. "The trick is that the knives pop in from the back of the board. It is an illusion and it isn't real."

"Well the plants in the greenhouse decided to make it real," said Pomona answering her. "They hung him up and started spinning him while the plants started sending spikes at him. As you know some of those plants have dagger like spikes. He was hit no less than eleven times during his forty rotations. Not only did we have to patch the holes up in his body, but he was sick for three days from all the spinning."

"Gilderoy what are you doing?" asked Minerva as she noticed the man huddled in a corner doing something.

"I am casting a spell stupid," he called over his shoulder. "I swear some people just are plain ignorant. I have a wand and I am waving it. What do you think I am doing? Dumb old besom is always asking me to explain shit when she should already know. I swear she is so stupid sometimes."

"With you there is no telling," snapped Minerva ignoring the slight on her intelligence. "What type of spell are you casting?"

"Wouldn't you like to know hooker?" he sneered back. "Mind your own business. I am busy."

"Did he just use the bathroom on the floor?" asked Harry pointing to where the man was squatting. "That is just disgusting. How are we supposed to eat here if he is using it as his personal loo?"

"Stupid boy," said Gilderoy as he stood. "This is no longer a dining room. It is a pig sty. I have created a new brand of pigs."

"But that is illegal," said Hermione. "You can't do that. The Minister of Magic will have you arrested for this."

"There is no Minster for magic you stupid little girl," said Gilderoy. "Five million points from Gryffindor."

"Amelia Bones is the Minister," said Minerva angrily. "Don't you even pay attention anymore? She was voted in last year when Fudgie retired."

"Fudgie?" asked Severus.

"That is what Petunia calls him," explained to the group. "It sort of stuck after. Do you know he is still in St Mungo's and is having his brain repaired from all that happened to him last year? The Healer's say they don't think he will ever recover."

A herd of pigs walked over to Minerva a spit on her. From there they walked to Harry and spit at him. As they were heading out of the Great Hall they spit at everyone that they passed.

"SPITTING PIGS," crowed a happy Lockhart. "BUTT SCRATCHER? GET YOUR BUTT SCRATCHER!"

"Not that again," said Harry sending a stinging hex at Lockhart. "If I hear that call once more I think I will puncture my ear drums."

"Harry Potter," called Dumbledore and Lockhart at the same time.

What happened next was a feat in of itself. Both men realized that they did something that they shouldn't have as their bodies decided to really teach them a lesson. Both forms of gas while emanating a disgusting smell started to play a tune. Those that had cast the Bubble Head Charm on themselves were listening with interest as the tune of Dueling Banjo's began to play. From there the tune switched to the Chicken Dance. After that, the songs switched with rapidity from one to the next as both Lockhart and Dumbledore passed out from the fumes and the toll that passing that much gas inflicted on their bodies.

"I have an idea," said Petunia from the doorway once the gas ended.

Before she was able to tell her idea, Voldemort snuck back in and whispered where others could hear.

"It's me again Margaret," he said singing the Ray Stevens song. "Is this Mrs. Margaret? I bet you can't guess what I'm doing."

He was going through the motions of standing in a phone booth and making a prank call. The others were standing there with their mouths open as he did this. When he finished that he looked at Petunia and pointed his finger at her.

"If you don't give me the deed to your ranch I will saw you in half," he exclaimed.

"And then he grabbed her," said the students. "And then he tied her up. He turned on the buzz saw. And then. And Then."

"Along came Jones," sang the other students. "Tall thin Jones. Slow walking Jones. Slow talking Jones. Along came lonely, lanky Jones."

"Are we going to have the Mississippi Squirrel Revival next?" asked an amused Harry in spite of the situation. "OH NO! EVERYONE RUUUN!"

No less than one thousand squirrels appeared and were making mayhem in the Great Hall. Gospel women appeared and were screaming about naming names and overalls and girdles and crossing thighs and talking about their love lives. It was utter pandemonium.

"Harry," said Minerva catching her breath. "Please cut us some slack. We are not as young as we used to be and we can't run as fast as you youngsters can."

"I swear it was an accident," said a wailing Harry. "I didn't mean to."

"Relax Harry," said Petunia. "We know that you didn't mean to. Things like this happen to you all the time. Your magic has gotten a lot better since you were having bouts of accidental magic all over the place. Your control has gotten better."

"It was amusing even if it was painful," said Minerva. "You must listen to a lot of music to have known what boldybops was talking about. Who is Ray Stevens?"

"He is a comedian singer," explained Hermione. "He has done songs like the ones sung so far. If you look at the terrible trio they are doing another of his popular songs."

"Which on is that?" asked Minerva staring at a man in a loin cloth, a woman in a skimpy outfit, and a monkey. "I am not familiar with muggle music."

"They are doing Guitarzan," said Petunia. "It was a number one hit of Ray Stevens back in the sixties. Oh look now they are doing Ahab the Arab."

"Chief of the burning sands," echoed the students.

"Oh dear," said Minerva. "What are they doing with that camel?"

"I don't think we need to see this," said Harry turning away. "Hermione for once please DON'T look. You are twisted enough as it is."

"They have Ronald Weasley by his hair and are dressing him up as a harem girl," protested Hermione. "It is getting pretty funny actually."

"Hermione what that camel is doing to Mr. Weasley is NOT funny and you will turn around this instant or get detention," said Minerva at her wits end watching the scene before her. "It is bad enough that… Oh no what is going on now?"

"It looks like the old coot is proposing," said Severus. "He just placed a diamond ring on Weasley's finger."

"That is just sick," said Harry. "Ron just turned thirteen. What a pedophile. It is seriously getting out of hand and I am unanimous in this."

"Are you serious?" asked Cedric. "Did you just make a Mrs. Slocum remark?"

"No I keep telling you all," called Dumbledore. "He isn't Sirius. I had him thrown in Azkaban without a trial. He is never getting out BWAA HA HA HA."

By this time a very pissed off Voldemort approached Dumbledore. He slapped him in the face a few times.

"YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED AN EVIL LAUGH," he said punctuating each word with a slap. "I AM THE DARK LORD HERE AND NOT YOU. If I ever hear you give an evil laugh again I will strip you naked and do things to you."

"My godfather is in jail and never got a trial?" asked Harry. "We have to do something about this."

"We will," said Petunia. "Don't worry about that. What is oldwart doing now?"

"It looks like he is giving Bumblefloor an atomic wedgie," said Cedric in awe. 'I didn't think underwear could go that far over someone's head. He has attached it to his chin and is beating him with a two by four."

"Should we break it up?" asked Minerva. "Someone can get seriously hurt."

"Nah," said Petunia. "Now that they are mad at each other maybe we can have a little peace and quiet for ourselves for a bit."

"Good thinking," said Minerva. "We have a closing feast for tomorrow. I need to talk to Amelia about getting Sirius out of jail and given a trial. From there I need to find someone for the post of Transfiguration as the Board of Governors has finally convinced me to take the posted of Head Mistress of the School."

As they were talking a herd of spitting pigs passed them and covered them is spittle as each on spit at the assembled party.

"Just one more day," Harry said cleaning them all. "We can get rid of at least one of them in just one more day. From there we can put competent teachers in the post of transfiguration, History of Magic, and DADA."

"Who has been teaching History of Magic?" asked Minerva. "I forgot that Binns was exorcised."

"I have," said Harry. "All Binns was doing was repeating what was in the book. I found his tests and stuff and have been administering them to the classes. It was not that hard to do actually."

"How are you still attending all of your classes while teaching History?" asked Severus shocked.

"Professors Vector, Sprout, Trelawney, and Burbage have been helping," said Harry. "We have been trading spots. When I have a free period, I teach and when I don't, one of them takes it from there. Once they heard how easy it was to teach the subject, it was fairly simple to get the students to do the work."

"No wonder the grades have been so much improved," admitted Minerva. "Harry you have saved us one more year. Don't forget that third year you get to take your electives."

"I am going to take Arithmancy and Runes," said Harry. "I refuse to have anything to do with Divination. COMC is fun so I will do that one as well. If we can get enough professors to fill the spots then I can have a normal year for once."

"Well you are already studying at a fourth year level so it will be easier," said Minerva. "Very well then, I approve. I think that it is time to get those three out of the area so that people can actually enter the castle."

With that the adults along with Hermione, Harry, and Cedric entered the castle to fix the rights that were caused once more by the terrible trio.

AUTHOR'S NOTE – I know it isn't as funny as previous work, but I thought I would give it a try. Hope you all like it.


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